“It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.”
“What is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference is that in not many job interviews is there a chance you’ll wind up naked.”
“You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‘See if you can blow this out.'”
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.”
“According to most studies, people’s No.1 fear is public speaking. No.2 is death. Death is No.2. Does that sound right? This means, to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
“Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency and no matter what we’re doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They’re very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.”
“Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.”
“The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman’s point of view that men are all the same, so we might as well dress them that way. That’s why a wedding is like the joining together of a beautiful, glowing bride and some guy. The tuxedo is a wedding safety device, created by women, because they know that men are undependable. So in case the groom chickens out, everybody just takes one step over and she marries the next guy.”
“I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can’t smell it, can’t eat it, can’t taste it. The end of the show they hold it up to the camera, ‘Well, here it is. You can’t have any. Thanks for watching. Goodbye.'”
“Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there’s no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.”
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