- I talk to myself because sometimes I need expert advice.
- Sometimes I roll my eyes out loud.
- I don’t need anger management classes, I need people to stop p***ing me off.
- My people skills are just fine. It’s my tolerance of idiots that needs work.
- The biggest lie I tell myself is “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.”
- When I was a child I thought nap time was punishment. Now it’s a treat.
- The day the world runs out of wine is just too terrible to think about.
- Even duct tape can’t fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound!
- Wouldn’t it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller.
- If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would’ve put them on my knees.
- When the kids text me “plz” (which is shorter than please), I text back “no” which is shorter than “yes”.
- At my age “Getting lucky” means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.
Once, there was an elderly man and his wife who had lived a long and ...