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Daily Haha Thread – add yours

This topic contains 12445 replies, has 233 voices, and was last updated by Profile photo of lilith7 lilith7 1 day, 11 hours ago.

Discussions Jokes Daily Haha Thread – add yours

Viewing 10 posts - 12,221 through 12,230 (of 12,446 total)
  • #1697252
    Profile photo of supergoldsupergold
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    Member since: May 9, 2009
    Topics: 67
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    supergold

     

    While taxiing at London’s Gatwick airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.

    An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: “US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it’s difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!”

    Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: “God! Now you’ve screwed everything up! It’ll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don’t move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?”

    “Yes, ma’am,” the humbled crew responded.

    Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

    Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: “Wasn’t I married to you once?”

    Supergold-Wainuiomata (Wellington)

    #1697270
    Profile photo of lilith7lilith7
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    Member since: April 9, 2017
    Topics: 2
    Replies: 2003
    lilith7

    A blast from the past.. 😎

     

    My old man’s a dustman, Lonnie Donegan

    Does your chewing gum lose its flavour on the bedpost overnight, Lonnie Donegan

    #1697576
    Profile photo of supergoldsupergold
    Member
    Member since: May 9, 2009
    Topics: 67
    Replies: 8841
    supergold

    A turkey was chatting with a bull.
    “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, “but I haven’t got the energy.”

    “Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.”

    The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

    The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

    Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
    He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

    Moral of the story:
    Bull sh*t might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there…

    Supergold-Wainuiomata (Wellington)

    #1697615
    Profile photo of supergoldsupergold
    Member
    Member since: May 9, 2009
    Topics: 67
    Replies: 8841
    supergold

    Here are some conversations that the airline passengers don’t hear. The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers around the world.

    =============================================

    A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:

    Lufthansa (in German): “Ground, what is our start clearance time?”

    Ground (in English): “If you want an answer you must speak in English.”

    Lufthansa (in English): “I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?”

    Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): “Because you lost the bloody war.”

    ===============================================

    One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the
    active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around,
    and taxied back past the Cherokee.

    Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, “What a cute  little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?”

    The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger:
    “I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I’ll have enough parts
    for another one.”

    ===============================================

    The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one’s gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

    Speedbird 206: ” Frankfurt , Speedbird 206 clear of active runway.”
    Ground: “Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.”

    The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

    Ground: “Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?”
    Speedbird 206: “Stand by, Ground, I’m looking up our gate location now.”
    Ground (with quite arrogant impatience):
    “Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?”
    Speedbird 206 (coolly): “Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, — and I didn’t land.”

    Supergold-Wainuiomata (Wellington)

    #1697724
    Profile photo of supergoldsupergold
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    Member since: May 9, 2009
    Topics: 67
    Replies: 8841
    supergold

    Once there was a young boy that lived in the country.

    They had to use an outhouse, the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer and cold in the winter and stunk all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of the river and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse in the water.

    One day after a spring rain, the river was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse in.

    So he got a large pole and started pushing.

    Finally the outhouse toppled in and floated away.

    That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper.

    Knowing that meant a spanking, the boy asked why.

    The dad replied, “Someone pushed the outhouse into the river today. It was you, wasn’t it son?”

    The boy answered yes.

    Then he thought a moment and said, “Dad, I read in school that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn’t get into trouble because he told the truth.”

    The dad replied, “Son, George Washington’s father wasn’t in the cherry tree.

    84243803 o

    Supergold-Wainuiomata (Wellington)

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    #1697737
    Profile photo of lilith7lilith7
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    Member since: April 9, 2017
    Topics: 2
    Replies: 2003
    lilith7

    A guy is sitting at an airport bar when he noticed a beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself, “Wow, she’s so gorgeous she must be a flight attendant. But which airline does she work for?” Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the BA slogan: “To Fly. To Serve?”
    She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself, ” ooh sh*t, she doesn’t work for BA”.
    A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again, “Something special in the air?” She gave him the same confused look.
    He mentally kicked himself, and scratched American Airlines off the list.
    Next he tried the United slogan: “I would really love to fly your friendly skies?” This time the woman turned on him “What the f**k do you want?” The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and said… “ahhh, Ryanair”.

    A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.
    Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight.
    Now sit back and relax — OH MY GOD!”
    Silence followed and after a few minutes, the Captain came back on the intercom and said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I’m so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilt it in my lap. You should see the front of my pants! A passenger in Coach said, “That’s nothing, he should see the back of mine!”

     

    Basic Flying Rules:
    1. Try to stay in the middle of the air.
    2. Do not go near the edges of it.
    3. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.

     

    LH741: “Tower, give me a rough time-check!”
    Tower: “It’s Tuesday, Sir.”

     

    Pilot: “…Tower, please call me a fuel truck.”
    Tower: “Roger. You are a fuel truck.”

     

    Tower: “Phantom-Formation crossing control zone without clearance, state your call-sign !”
    Pilot: “I’m not silly…”

     

    Tower: “Hawk 20, is this the same aircraft declaring emergency about two hours ago ?”
    Pilot: “Negative, Sir. It’s only the same pilot.”

    Tower: “Delta Fox Alpha, hold position, Marshall will park you.”
    Pilot: “Roger. Looking out for John Wayne.”

     

    Eggenfelden Info : D-EXXX please report persons aboard.
    D-EXXX (C-172) : Pilot and two pax and one dog.
    Eggenfelden Info (after Cessna finally bounced to stop): Assume the Pilot in Command was the dog ?

    A young and stupid pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies.
    So, this one time he was approaching a field during the night time.
    Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said: “Guess who?”
    The controller switched the field lights off and replied: “Guess where!”
    Tower: “Eastern 702, contact Departure on 124.7.”

     

    Eastern 702: “Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure … by the way, after we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.”

    Tower: “Continental 635, cleared for take-off; did you copy the report from Eastern?”

    Continental 635: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff roger; and roger, we copied Eastern and we’ve already notified our caterers.”

    O’Hare Approach Control: “United 329 Heavy, your traffic is a Fokker F-27, one o’clock,3 miles, eastbound.”

    United 329: “Approach, I’ve always wanted to say this… I’ve got that Fokker in sight.”

    #1697841
    Profile photo of supergoldsupergold
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    Member since: May 9, 2009
    Topics: 67
    Replies: 8841
    supergold

    baby at 65 12667 n

    With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth… When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.

    ‘May I see the new baby?’ I asked.

    ‘Not yet ,’ she said ‘I’ll make coffee and we can chat for a while first.’

    Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, ‘May I see the new baby now?’

    ‘No, not yet,’ She said.

    After another few minutes had elapsed, I asked again, ‘May I see the baby now?’

    ‘No, not yet,’ replied my friend.

    Growing very impatient, I asked, ‘Well, when can I see the baby?’

    ‘WHEN HE CRIES!’ she told me.

    ‘WHEN HE CRIES?’ I demanded. ‘Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?’

    ‘BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!

    Supergold-Wainuiomata (Wellington)

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    #1697955
    Profile photo of supergoldsupergold
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    Member since: May 9, 2009
    Topics: 67
    Replies: 8841
    supergold

    Florida Woman Stops Alligator Attack with Small Beretta Pistol

    This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.

    What is the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself? A Beretta Jetfire testimonial.
    Following is her story in her own words….

    “While out walking along the edge of a bayou just outside of Fort Lauderdale in alligator alley with my soon-to-be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging us with its large jaws wide open.

    “That gator must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today!

    “Just one shot to my estranged husband’s knee cap was all it took.
    The gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. It’s one of the best pistols in my collection!

    “Plus the amount I saved in lawyer’s fees was really incredible.”

    Supergold-Wainuiomata (Wellington)

    #1697963
    Profile photo of supergoldsupergold
    Member
    Member since: May 9, 2009
    Topics: 67
    Replies: 8841
    supergold

     

    3916606562304 n

    77883530020 n

     

    Supergold-Wainuiomata (Wellington)

    • This reply was modified 7 months, 2 weeks ago by Profile photo of supergold supergold.
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    #1698180
    Profile photo of supergoldsupergold
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    Member since: May 9, 2009
    Topics: 67
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    supergold

    Northern Territory Computer Terminology – Getting ready for Broadband in the bush!!
    A little bit of Aussie “culcha”

    LOGON: Adding wood to make the barbie hotter

    LOG OFF: Not adding any more wood to the barbie.

    MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the barbie.

    DOWNLOAD: Getting the firewood off the ute.

    HARD DRIVE: Making the trip back home without any cold tinnies.

    KEYBOARD: Where you hang the ute keys.

    WINDOW: What you shut in the wet season.

    SCREEN: What you shut in the mozzie season..

    BYTE: What mozzies do

    MEGABYTE: What NT mozzies do.

    CHIP: A pub snack.

    MICROCHIP: What’s left in the bag after you’ve eaten the chips.

    MODEM: What you did to the lawns.

    LAPTOP: Where the cat sleeps.

    SOFTWARE: Plastic knives and forks you get at Red Rooster.

    HARDWARE: Stainless steel knives and forks – from K-Mart.

    MOUSE: The small rodent that eats the grain in the shed.

    MAINFRAME: What holds the shed up.

    WEB: What spiders make.

    WEBSITE: Usually in the shed or under the verandah.

    SEARCH ENGINE: What you do when the ute won’t go.

    CURSOR: What you say when the ute won’t go.

    YAHOO: What you say when the ute does go.

    UPGRADE: A steep hill.

    SERVER: The person at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.

    MAIL SERVER: The bloke at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.

    USER: The neighbour who keeps borrowing things.

    NETWORK:What you do when you need to repair the fishing net.

    INTERNET: Where you want the fish to go.

    NETSCAPE: What the fish do when they discover a hole in the net.

    ONLINE: Where you hang the washing.

    OFFLINE: Where the washing ends up when the pegs aren’t strong enough.

    Supergold-Wainuiomata (Wellington)

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