- #1695654supergold September 17, 2018 at 12:25 pm
“Would you mind telling me, Doctor,” Bob asked, “how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?”
“Nothing is easier,” he replied. “You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track.”
“What sort of question?”
“Well, you might ask him, ‘Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'”
Bob thought for a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, “You wouldn’t happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don’t know much about history.”
Supergold-Wainuiomata (Wellington)#1695811lilith7MemberMember since: April 9, 2017
Replies: 2029lilith7 September 18, 2018 at 11:26 am
Puss-ibly the aweso-meow-est cat ever!
There’s this man, he walks up to this lady’s door. The lady answers it. The man says, “I’m terribly sorry. I just ran over your cat. I’d like to replace it.” Then the woman says, “How good are you at catching mice?”
A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along when suddenly a cat attacks them. The mother mouse shouts “BARK!” and the cat runs away. “See?” the mother mouse says to her baby. “Now do you see why it’s important to learn a foreign language?”
Go to your back door and look for the dog. If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it’s probably raining. But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard. If the dog’s fur looks like it’s been rubbed the wrong way, it’s probably windy. If the dog has snow on his back, it’s probably snowing. Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather. Yours sincerely, The CAT.
Two female cats are sitting on the fence passing the time of day when a really handsome tomcat walks by and winks at them. “Oh darling, did you see that one?” one of the felines opines. “I wouldn’t mind sharing a dead mouse with him.” “Oh, forget about him,” her friend tells her. “I went out with him once, and all he did was talk about his operation.”
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray this cushy life to keep.
I pray for toys that look like mice,
And sofa cushions, soft and nice.
I pray for gourmet kitty snacks,
And someone nice to scratch my back,
For windowsills all warm and bright,
For shadows to explore at night.
I pray I’ll always stay real cool
And keep the secret feline rule
To never tell a human that
The world is really ruled by cats!#1695914supergold September 19, 2018 at 8:27 am
A big corporation recently hired several cannibals in the interest of cultural diversity “You are all part of our team now,” said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. “You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don’t eat any of the other employees.”
The cannibals promised they would not.
Four weeks later, their boss remarked, “You’re all working very hard, and I’m satisfied with you. However, one of our female clerks has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?”
The cannibals all shook their heads no.
After the boss left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, “Which one of you idiots ate the female?”
A hand rose hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued, “You fool for 4 weeks we’ve been eating Managers and no one noticed anything, but noooooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something!”
Supergold-Wainuiomata (Wellington)#1696292AnonymousMember since:
Replies: 415Anonymous September 22, 2018 at 5:17 am
Enjoy them all! Come on men throw some in there too!#1696299supergold September 22, 2018 at 9:32 am
A Scotsman appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
“Have you ever done anything in your life of particular merit?” St…Peter asked.
“Well, I can think of one thing”, the Scotsman replied. “On a trip to the outskirts of Glasgow, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I asked them to leave her alone but they wouldn’t listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, then ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground. I yelled, ‘Now, back off or I’ll kick the **** out of all of you!’ ”
St. Peter was impressed, “When did this happen?”
“About three minutes ago.”
Supergold-Wainuiomata (Wellington)#1696300stephen156519MemberMember since: September 20, 2018
Replies: 1stephen156519 September 22, 2018 at 9:55 am
😎 Think! . . . a fallen souffle is just a risen omelette . . . it depends on how you look at it, that’s all#1696302supergold September 22, 2018 at 10:03 am
Dave’s parrot was always using bad language, so he asked the vet how he could stop it.
“Every time the bird swears, put it in the freezer for 15 seconds,” advised the vet.
The next time the parrot uttered an expletive, Dave did as the vet said. Then, feeling guilty, Dave opened the freezer.
Shivering, the parrot came out saying, “I’m sorry for all the bad language I’ve been using.”
Dave was astounded at the sudden change.
Then the parrot said, “By the way, what did the chicken do?”
Supergold-Wainuiomata (Wellington)#1696426lilith7MemberMember since: April 9, 2017
Replies: 2029lilith7 September 23, 2018 at 10:49 am
What do you call a vicar on a motorcycle?
I was driving along the highway in my truck yesterday when a motorbike pulled up along side me. The guy on the bike looked at me, pulled a wheelie and then did a handstand on the bike. Then he tapped on my window and said, “You’ve haven’t got a spare cigarette have you?”
I said, “A cigarette? You’re going to kill yourself!”
He said, “No I won’t, I only smoke 10 a day.”
A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated on him and when he came round he was relieved when they told him all had gone to plan and he was going to be fine.
But the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest. He was worried that something may be wrong but he was still too weak from the surgery to do anything. Eventually, he managed to pull his hospital gown down enough to check what was causing the discomfort. When he looked down at his chest he saw three wide strips of ultra-adhesive tape stuck firmly to him. Written on it in large black letters was the message:
“Get well soon… from the nurse you gave the ticket to last week. I’ll be round to remove the tape later.”
Yesterday I got stuck behind a young girl riding a horse. No matter what I did, I just couldn’t get past her. I was tooting my horn, and hanging out the window yelling at her. She still wouldn’t let me past.
There was a guy on a motorcycle behind me and he was waving too.
I was getting so wound up and frustrated. “It’s people like you that cause accidents!” I shouted.
Eventually, I just couldn’t take any more so I looked around to make sure the coast was clear…
… and then I jumped off the carousel.#1696433totaraMemberMember since: November 29, 2007
Replies: 541totara September 23, 2018 at 11:18 am
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake…
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender,
”Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?’
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, ‘Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a ‘Billy-Club’.
3. I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
‘Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy .. do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?’
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,
‘No … not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times”…
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