- April 17, 2018 at 8:54 am #1676311
(Taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)
Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own. They like other people’s.
A grandfather is a man, and a grandmother is a lady!
Grandparents don’t have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn’t play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.
When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.
They show us and talk to us about the colors of the flowers and also why we shouldn’t step on ‘cracks.’
They don’t say, ‘Hurry up.’
Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.
They wear glasses and funny underwear.
They can take their teeth and gums out.
Grandparents don’t have to be smart.
They have to answer questions like ‘Why isn’t God married?’ and ‘How come dogs chase cats?’
When they read to us, they don’t skip. They don’t mind if we ask for the same story over again.
Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don’t have television because they are the only grownups who like to spend time with us.
They know we should have snack time before bed time, and they say prayers with us and kiss us even when we’ve acted bad.
A 6-YEAR-OLD WAS ASKED WHERE HIS GRANDMA LIVED.
”Oh,” he said, ”She lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then when we’re done having her visit, we take her back to the airport.”
Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don’t get to see him enough to get a smart as him!
It’s funny when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog.
Supergold-Wainuiomata (Wellington)April 17, 2018 at 11:01 am #1676329
lilith7MemberMember since: April 9, 2017
Q: Why did the student throw his watch out of the school window?
A: He wanted to see time fly.
Q: Why do they never serve beer at a math party?
A: Because you can’t drink and derive…
Q: What do you say when you are comforting a grammar nazi?
A: There, Their, They’re
Q: What’s another name for Santa’s elves?
A: Subordinate Clauses.
Q: Why did the student take a ladder to school?
A: Because he/she was going to high school!
Q: What is Grammar?
A: The difference between knowing your shit, and knowing you’re shit.
Grammar punsApril 17, 2018 at 11:07 am #1676331
totaraMemberMember since: November 29, 2007
You think English is easy??
I think a retired English teacher was bored…THIS IS GREAT!
Read all the way to the end……………..
This took a lot of work to put together!
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture..
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert..
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the < B>bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear..
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Let’s face it – English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren’t invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
PS. – Why doesn’t ‘Buick’ rhyme with ‘quick’?
You lovers of the English language might enjoy this.
There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is ‘UP.’
It’s easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP?
Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is itUP to the secretary to write UP a report?
We call UP our friends.
And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.
We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.
At other times the little word has real special meaning.
People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and thinkUP excuses.
To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.
A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.
We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.
We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!
To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary.
In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes U P almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.
If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used.
It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don’t give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP.
When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP.
When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.
When it doesn’t rain for awhile, things dry UP.
One could go on and on, but I’ll wrap it UP,
for now my time is UP,
so…….it is time to shut UP!
Now it’s UP to you what you do with this email.April 17, 2018 at 6:25 pm #1676377
😆 😆 😆 😆 Well done Totara!
Supergold-Wainuiomata (Wellington)April 18, 2018 at 7:44 am #1676402
Wanda’s dishwasher was broken, so she called in a repairman.
Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman,
‘I’ll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll mail you a check. Oh, by the way don’t worry about my dog Spike. He won’t bother you. But, whatever you do, DO NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!
I MUST STRESS TO YOU: DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!”
When the repairman arrived at Wanda’s apartment, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen.
But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.
Finally the repairman couldn’t contain himself any longer and yelled,
“‘Shut up, you stupid, frickin ugly bird!”
To which the parrot replied, “Get him Spike!”
See – Men just don’t listen!
Attachments:You must be logged in to view attached files.April 18, 2018 at 7:50 am #1676405
SlowjoemeMemberMember since: April 8, 2015
lolololol ThanksApril 19, 2018 at 9:36 am #1676543
A manager at the council had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, ‘What is the fastest thing you know of?’
The first man replied, ‘A THOUGHT.’ It just pops into your head. There’s no warning.
‘That’s very good!’ replied the interviewer. ‘And, now you sir?’ he asked the second man.
‘Hmmm… let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don’t know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.’
‘Excellent!’ said the interviewer. ‘The blink of an eye, that’s a very popular cliché for speed.’ He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.
‘Well, out at my dad’s ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there’s a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. ‘Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of’.
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. ‘It’s hard to beat the speed of light,’ he said.
Turning to Bernie, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.
Old Bernie replied, ‘After hearing the previous three answers, it’s obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHOEA.’
‘WHAT!?’ said the interviewer, stunned by the response.
‘Oh sure’, said Bernie. ‘You see, the other day I wasn’t feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already s**t my pants.’
Bernie is now the new head planner at your local council.
Supergold-Wainuiomata (Wellington)April 19, 2018 at 9:46 am #1676544
You’ve all heard of the Air Force’s ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as “Area 51?
Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their “secret” base.
They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.
The pilot’s story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel.
The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn’t a spy.
They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying “you-did-not-see-a-base” briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.
The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP’s surrounded the plane… Only this time there were two people in the plane.
The same pilot jumped out and said, “Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!”
Attachments:You must be logged in to view attached files.April 20, 2018 at 11:24 am #1676724
An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in
the movie theater.
When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered
to the old man, “Sorry sir, but you’re only allowed one
The old man didn’t budge.
The usher became more impatient. “Sir, if you don’t
get up from there I’m going to have to call the manager.”
Once again, the old man just muttered and did nothing.
The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a
moment he returned with the manager.
Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the
old disheveled man, but with no success.
Finally they summoned the police.
The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked,
“All right buddy what’s your name?”
“Fred,” the old man moaned.
“Where you from, Fred?” asked the police officer.
With a terrible strain in his voice, and without
moving, Fred replied;
Supergold-Wainuiomata (Wellington)April 22, 2018 at 9:44 am #1676953
I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling…
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, “He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday Morning.”
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
“Oh no, my dear,” replied granny. “Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even…
Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.”
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, “He’d still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn’t come along.”
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