Heavy Metal Discovery

A major research institution has recently announced the discovery in Afghanistan of the heaviest chemical element yet known to science. This new element has been tentatively named "UNium."

UNium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since UNium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of UNium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally take less than a second.

UNium has a normal half-life of four years; it does not decay but instead it undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, UNium's mass will actually increase over time since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate that UNium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypocritical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass." You will know it when you see it.

When catalyzed with money, UNium becomes Bureaucracium, an element which radiates just as much energy since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

print