Ron Tustin - Sliding versus Deciding

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For people itchy to make things better

“The doors we open and close each day decide the lives we live.”

In my work with ‘baby boomers’ I have been working quite a lot with people who are ending, starting or trying to reconcile relationships. Although this article is written with these people in mind I hope you will also get something out of it.

I recently came across a series of articles called “Sliding versus Deciding”

These articles explore the nature of commitment and come out of a study from the University of Denver.  From my own reading, I believe this idea of “sliding vs. deciding” captures something important about how romantic relationships develop today.

The main idea is that we often slide through important transitions in relationships, such as starting to live together, rather than deciding what we are doing, what we want  and what it means. Many couples who decide to live together may not talk about it but simply slide into doing so. Compare that with the lengths some couples go to plan a very large wedding with many guests.

There used to be many steps and stages of courtship and relationship development that, for the most part, no longer exist. I suspect therefore that it’s harder than ever to make clear commitments. In contrast to sliding, commitments that we are most likely to follow through on are based in decisions. In fact, one essential truth of commitment is that it means making a choice to give up other choices. A commitment is a decision.

For those relationships that are meant to last, the fundamentals of commitment suggest that thinking about what we are doing and where we are going –together-and making a decision, can build a stronger, more lasting commitment.

But we should also remember that we do not need to make decisions about everything - and sliding can be just fine and even preferred at times. But when something important in life is at stake, I believe that deciding will beat sliding in how things turn out.

“Passion is the quickest to develop, and the quickest to fade. Intimacy develops more slowly, and commitment more gradually still."

And now something extra:

“I refuse to believe I am part of a lost generation”

This less than 2 minute video was submitted by a 20 year old in a contest titled “u @ 50”. It reads the exact opposite backward from forward. Not only does it read the opposite, the meaning is the exact opposite. It is so simple and yet so brilliant.   

Ron Tustin
Revive and Thrive Coaching

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www.reviveandthrivecoaching.com
info@rtc.org.nz
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Motivating baby boomers to see the world with fresh eyes.

Published 25th Jun 2010

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