Ageing Parents and Adult Children

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By Mike Milstein

What obligations do ageing parents have for their adult children and what obligations do adult children have for their ageing parents? These important questions were recently explored on Fresh FM by a panel that included Judy Biggs (University of Canterbury, Education Plus Center), Jim Davis (Elder Abuse and Neglect Coordinator, Age Concern Nelson) and Jay Shapiro (Conscious Ageing Network).

Today there are more people who are 65+ than ever before and their numbers are increasing rapidly. This large elders group was shaped by early life experiences during the depression years and the privations of WWII. As Jim notes, “these were hard times. They are used to hardship. They grew up with frugality, so it is built into their psyche. Now many are living in homes that are freezing and causing health issues.” Judy adds, “members of the older generation feel that they have to leave their kids a substantial inheritance. That was the situation with my mom. Us kids said, spend the money, spend the money now! That’s all different today. My children know there won’t be anything and they aren’t holding out for anything!”

The next generation of older people, the Baby Boomers, is quite different from the current 65+ group. Most Boomers are now in their fifties and have older parents who are in their seventies and eighties. Jim’s work has led him to the conclusion that many of the Boomers “believe that their parents’ wealth should rightfully become theirs. This affects the dynamics of the parent-adult child relationship. I find that many adult children are taking the obligations they perceive their parents have for them too far. For example, many adult children are still living at home when they are 30. They haven’t achieved the maturity that our generation had by the time we were 21.”

He believes that many of “today’s parents compound this problem. They continue to hold out their hands, taking care of their adult children. That’s crazy. Maybe it’s because both parents have to work and haven’t had much time to spend with their children, so they may want to have them around into their 30s. They may actually be encouraging them to stay home.”

One thing is certain: We have more questions and fewer answers about parent-adult child obligations because today’s society is very different from that of the past. As a youngster, Jim lived in “an extended family. My grandfather, several maiden aunts, my parents and a sister lived in the same house with me. Today’s home has a mom, dad and 2.2 children with both parents having to work to survive. Judy adds that there are lots of variations today: “Single parent families, kids spending half a week with mom and half a week with dad, and even situations with no input from a mother or father.”

Given all the rapid societal changes and shifting definitions of family, what can we expect regarding parent-adult children obligations for the foreseeable future? Jay notes that “obligation may not even be the right word. Obligation is about I ought to or I should. But, that’s head stuff, what about the heart?”

What then are realistic responsibilities of parents to their adult children? Jim finds that many adult children believe their parents have a responsibility to provide an inheritance for them. He suggests, on the contrary, that older people consider living by an acronym, “SKIN: spend the kids’ inheritance and do it now.” Judy says it is a “balance between loving them and nudging them off to do their own thing. They need to learn responsibility and be able to stand on their own two feet and they need to recognize that there is a point when it isn’t appropriate to ask for financial support.” Jay underscores this point with a quote from Mark Twain: “The world does not owe you a living. The world got here first.”

Finally, what about the obligations of adult children to their ageing parents? For example, what are their obligations if their parents become physically and/or mentally incapacitated? Jim notes that “more and more older people are going into full time care when they have such problems. Even if their adult children would like to provide at least some of the care their parents require, most are working harder than ever and just don’t have the time to do it.”

All of us, adult children and ageing parents, have to figure a way through this complex situation. It is far better to do it with forethought and honest dialogue than to leave it to chance.

Note: This article was published in The Leader, Nelson, NZ. It summarizes an interview aired on Nelson’s Fresh FM that was conducted by Annie Henry for the Conscious Ageing Network (CAN), which is sponsored by Age Concern, Nelson. If you want to share your thoughts with CAN or wish to know when interviews will be aired, send an email to agewell@xtra.co.nz.