Denise Corlett: Getting Back Into Dating

By Denise Corlett.
Find more articles by Denise here.

According to the 2006 New Zealand census, men outweigh women in the teens and twenties.  In the 30’s and 40’s it is pretty similar with a slightly higher number of women.  From mid 50’s onwards the number of non-partnered men to women decreases and by 70 for every man there are 2.2 women.  Supposedly, great for men if they are seeking a woman to partner with!  However, beware, women are still choosy and even if they would like a man in their life, they are less likely to tolerate a man who isn’t good for them.  For women who want to find someone special, there is a lot you can do to ensure you highlight the great things about you so a worthy man can see that.  For men, don’t let yourself slip.  You still have to work on what you are presenting to the world and making yourself attractive in everyway to women out there.  

Like it or not, you will have to put more effort in than you did before.  Why?  Because our looks have changed, we’ve all aged and often feel less confident about how we look. We potentially have health issues affecting how we feel and our relationships.  There are less non-partnered men available.  Not to forget many of us can carry hurts that can make us less appealing when we date.  Being appealing is not just about looks.  It’s about the persona and the confidence we project.  So feeling good about yourself and feeling confident goes a long way towards attracting someone special. So it can be beneficial to consider a number of factors and make some changes to have success in the dating game.  

How much do you want a partner vs. how much am I prepared to change?

Always a good question. We might all say that we shouldn’t have to change.  Someone should just accept us as we are.  However, any relationship, at whatever age and stage, means work and compromise.  This does not mean changing who you essentially are, but looking honestly at yourself and what areas you might have made mistakes in, what you would be prepared to compromise on and be willing to make changes.  If you are really motivated to be with someone special, you will be willing to compromise and open to discussing this.  None of us are perfect, so if we accept this in ourselves, we can try and improve areas that we are aware of and accept areas that are imperfect in potential partners.

Previous partner might have accepted this

Our previous partners might have accepted a variety of behaviours for different reasons.  However, once again, if you are aware of or prepared to look at behaviours that aren’t ideal to successful relationships then you can have some hope for future relationships.  Put some fresh eyes on how the world would see you now.  If friends, family and you cannot pass on this info, let a professional help you with this one.

Fashion

Once again, your previous wife might have accepted your facial hair and outdated clothing, or your husband might have accepted your flat heels.   However, you are going dating again and want to attract someone special.  You need to put in the effort.  Put your best self forward.  Try and see it as a bit of fun.  Engage some professional help if friends and family find it hard to give you their honest thoughts and help.  You might enjoy getting a new fashionable makeover and lease of life.

You need to get out and about

Yes the census of 2006 does state that as we age women do outnumber men.  So if as a woman your priority is to meet someone special, you are more likely to come across more men if you get out and about, mixing and mingling and crossing paths with the kind of man who might interest you.  In addition, allow your best self to shine when you are in the company of men who are potentially of interest.

Where do I go anyway?

Yes the bars, dances, nightclubs and social gatherings of the past are no longer the haunts of finding someone special from 50 onwards.  In fact it usually changes from the age of 30+.  So from 50 onwards what are your options?  There are still bars, dances and nightclubs but how many likeminded people do you find there?  So, now you have to get proactive and creative.  Firstly, proactive in the sense of “I am open and ready to find and meet someone new, so let me be open to trying new avenues and new methods”. Once you have grasped this concept then you can get proactive by becoming involved in either introduction, dating or events agencies that cater to your age groups; considering and participating in internet or online dating or other social networking organisations; increasing and becoming involved in activities where potential non-partnered and of interest people might be e.g. dancing, interest groups, social groups, community groups, sporting groups etc; work related groups or being open to bumping into people while out and about.

If you want more information on dating then review some of the resources and tips on www.datingadvice.co.nz or for personalised assistance try the new 1 session programme for Dating Success here or contact Denise Corlett at Dating Advice on 09 521 7449 or info@datingadvice.co.nz   

Published 28th Nov 2008

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