Ron Tustin – Why a Good Coach Will Not Give Advice

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"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't." Erica Jong.

Why a good coach will not give advice

When I started as a coach, I asked people for advice on how to succeed. At the time it seemed like a reasonable thing to do. Surely coaches with more experience could give me some good suggestions of what to pursue, pitfalls to avoid, etc. In some ways, this did help. It made me aware of some things I hadn't thought of and it filled in some gaps in my knowledge. But overall, I think it probably did more harm than good – for the following reasons.

Low Quality Advice

The first problem with asking for advice is that it's too easy. Anyone can do it. We are always asking for advice, and receive plenty of it in return. It's not difficult to give someone advice if all you have to do is give a brief answer to a question. But since it's such a common thing to do, the average quality level of the advice being given is typically quite low.

Irrelevant Advice

Another problem with advice is that often you get answers that are completely irrelevant to you. For example, if you ask someone who has been self-employed how they moved into retirement,  their "secrets" might not translate so well to you if you have been a salaried employee and want to start up your own small business in your ‘semi-retirement’.  Maybe you can adapt some general principles, but many of the ideas may work in one field but might not even make sense in another.

Advice that is a mismatch

Sometimes you may get advice but it just doesn’t seem right. This often happens when you and the other person have different values. If the most important thing to you in life is making a positive contribution, and you ask advice from someone who's very materialistic, you may get advice that's a total mismatch for you. The advice may be down to earth and practical, but you can't use it. It's just not you.

Giving Your Power Away

The biggest problem I discovered when I sought advice from others is that I was subtly giving my power away. I was sending a message to myself that I was not strong and experienced enough to come up with my own answers and solutions. I put those people on a pedestal, which meant I was taking myself down a notch.

Asking others for advice was ultimately confusing. Most of the time I received honest answers, but people told me what worked for them, not what would work for me. In the long run, I got much better results by relying most heavily on my own judgment, even when I seemingly lacked experience.

From the Advice Giver's Eyes

When people are being coached they come with a problem or an issue that they want advice on. People will insist that I give them this advice and may consistently ask for that. In some cases they may turn away from coaching out of disappointment in not getting that advice. I see all the same problems from this side that I experienced from the advice seeking side.

Giving advice can be just as awkward as seeking it. In the long run it is my advice not their advice and they are less likely to follow it through.

Ideas not advice

So you may have the impression by now that asking for advice is not such a great practice, at least not in the sense of inviting someone to tell you what to do. But seeking fresh, stimulating ideas is perfectly valid.  

One of the better ways to seek ideas is to ask, "Here's my situation. What would you do if you were me?"  Once they reply, then ask, "And why would you do that?" This will help you understand the reasoning behind the answer. Feel free to discuss it until you come to a place of mutual understanding, even if you don't agree with what they have to say. Then ask them, "What else might you consider doing in my situation?" Feel free to ask this question a few times to elicit multiple options.

The key phrase is "if you were me" since this invites the other person to consider your perspective — your particular values, talents, etc. I can grasp the invitation to see the world through your eyes. I find that in such situations, I end up giving much better answers, and it doesn't really feel like giving advice. It feels like we're creating solutions together.

Who’s running the show?

You are in charge of your life. But telling other people to tell you what to do, takes the responsibility away from you. It is important to talk to others to help stimulate new ideas, but if you put them on a pedestal the message is that you value their advice above your own problem-solving abilities.

Challenge yourself to get better at coming up with your own answers. If you get good at solving your own problems, you control your own destiny and end up being your own life coach. The best solutions are the ones you devise.

"People who ask our advice almost never take it. Yet we should never refuse to give it, upon request, for it often helps us to see our own way more clearly." Brendan Francis

Ron Tustin
Revive and Thrive Coaching

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www.reviveandthrivecoaching.com
info@rtc.org.nz
Ph 0800 003679

Motivating baby boomers to see the world with fresh eyes.