Thank you The Snipe for opening our eyes to things some of us were lucky to avoid. Hope your life has been sufficiently fulfilling and happy to compensate for the terrible price you paid as a young one. Again Thank you

Hello all, The Snipe & all the others that endured 'That Place' a big loving Hug to you all.
After some therapy, I had a total breakdown when I was working for the Salvation Army HomeCare, I had to work through stuff from my past. It was hard, my mum leaving us kids, I was 14 months old, don't remember her, my earliest memories are living with my Great Aunt, Uncle & cousin. I can't remember anything bad happening, I was loved. BUT, when I was approximately 4 - 5 my world turned inside out and upside down. We were living in Otorohonga, I was told we were going on holiday, (this I remember so vividly!!) What felt like all day but was probably more like three hours or so we arrived at our destination. Auntie Linda helped me out of the back seat while my Poppa Jim got my suitcase out of the boot. (I still get teary eyed when I think about this) The lady and my Auntie hugged, Poppa & the man shook hands, I was then pushed forward with a "here she is!" Then Auntie Linda & Poppa Jim got back into the car and drove away. It was then that I noticed there were two children standing there as well, it turned out they were my brother and sister. I didn't even know that I had any other family.

The Snipe I also write poetry/prose. This is just a small piece, but any comments would be welcome:
I want
To get well
Onwards
To health
Be with my husband
Barry,
Instead
Of dwelling
In this limbo
Between sanity and hell.

Hi fion010, I take it that the lady you were delivered to was your mother? (The lady and my Auntie hugged, Poppa & the man shook hands, I was then pushed forward with a "here she is!") I'm so sorry you had that episode in your life. Some adults from that generation thought children had the intelligence of pet animals and had no idea of the trauma the child suffered.

About your prose: Everyone walks a fine line between sanity and insanity. In my experience, the more you dwell on the negative the faster you sink into the quicksand.
It's difficult for a sensitive to shrug off painful experiences, but to heal a festering wound, you must cleanse it with reasoning, treat it with care and cover it with love.
My way of dealing with the bad experiences of my life is:
I remind myself that the world has idiots as well as geniuses; insensitives as well as sensitives; caring souls as well as cruel souls. I just drew a short straw when I was born... them's the breaks and it doesn't mean I can't enjoy my life right now!

I'm not saying I don't still suffer. I am a product of my childhood and adult experiences. I have them boxed up and shoved in a corner of my memory. I rarely pull them out, but when I do, it's with tolerance and forgiveness for the fools that caused my traumas.

My biggest problem is my sensitivity. I choose to isolate myself from most people and console myself with the fact that the this world has an extraordinary amount to offer me, even in my isolation. The wonder and beauty of nature I see around me everyday keeps me here, but my loneliness means I'll be happy to leave when my time is up.

If your Barry is worthwhile, give him your all... now. One good soulmate waqlking besides you is all anyone needs to stay sane and happy.
Be cool... Annie

Thank you Annie, no it wasn't my mother, I never saw her again ever, she has now passed and so her life has to be accounted for in the great somewhere.
The lady and man I was delivered to were my Grandmother (mums mum) and my step grandfather. Don't get me wrong, they gave me love but it was stretched kind of thin sometimes where I had been used to being the princess of the house now I was just another toad.
Why is it that adults treat children as worse than pets and totally disposable. My mother went on to have another 4 children to her partner eventually her husband, my father, was not really cut out to be a Dad but he tried, I loved him for the fact that despite a few personal problems that he shared with me about my conception, he loved me in his own way. He married in 1975 to a lovely lady, but they were passed the point of wanting children. Love is a funny thing isn't it we sometimes love neither wisely or well! I fell on my feet when i met my Barry. He is strong emotionally but is not afraid to cry, I love him.

Annie there is a difference between being alone and suffering from lonlyness. I have an internet friend that lives in the USA, she reached out to me when I was at my lowest ebb, she was my tidal wave of hope and love that carried me to a safe shore. I may not be much of a tidal wave but I can keep you bouyant for a little while LOL. Fiona A

Thank you Fiona. I envy you your Barry. I had a Mark. He was my water, my air, my light. Every now and then I think I've found someone worthwhile, but when I kiss them they turn into Toads!

There's loneliness and then there's 'feeling totally alone' All animals, including us, need social contact. But we also need to know that somebody 'gets' us. We need someone who accepts us the way we are and loves us in spite of our faults. Someone who doesn't try to manipulate, change or control us. Someone we can relax and be ourselves with. Someone with aspirations, dreams and ideals similar to our own... so we can soar in the same direction.
This is what we all need. And it sounds like you have it. Lucky girl.
Be cool,
Annie.

Thanks Annie, I have, occasionally I lose sight of what I have with Barry, a matter of not seeing the wood for the trees! But he soon lets me know that I am being selfish or back in the poor me mode.
I am lucky sometimes I just don't realise how lucky!!
BUT you have suffered physically, emotionally and spiritually a lot more than any of us can comprehend. One of my Grans favourite sayings was "the good Lord only sends burdens that he knows that we can carry" I never thought that I would turn into my Grandmother!! LOL
Your little wave, Fiona ~~~

hi all sorry iv beem away ills ect fion010 you are right the hell house left me a broken person,im 53 yrs old and i still have nightmares and Im not asleep.I think the one that i had a hard getting to any one that is still one think,wont no want love is its samethink that taken from me in that brett home.And into the foster home I was a good little slave,iv grown alittle throw talking out to some wot.hug to all the broken girl from the brett home.bady steps helen god bless

Oh Funny Cat... It makes me so incredibly sad to know how much they hurt you... I just want to cry. (((HUGS)))

im ok ty snipe and bigger hugs back to the brett girl and there a photo in found cheers

Oh my goodness. I have just read through all the suffering on this thread.
One positive that comes from it is the talent it fosters, with some it is art and with others writing such as the beautiful poems that have been expressed here. Good can come from suffering - not that I am saying suffering is good, but I often equate it with the way beautiful plants grow from compost.(eek, that doesn't sound the way it is meant...sorry)

My mother used to tell me she should have placed me in an orphanage and I would say "I wish you had" and I meant it. But I thought any place would be better than where I was - how wrong could I have been.
On the other hand, I knew that I shouldn't have been born, that I came at a terrible time in her life and that she just couldn't cope. Can't give all the details but I think the violence that children experienced at the Homes, and the violence some of us experienced in our own homes and others at boarding or even day schools, was relatively common at that time. The difference though was that we did at least have our own flesh and blood family however broken and disfunctional it was.
There was the fact, if there is any truth in it, that "I punish you because I love you" - So at least the words were there even if the actions didn't match. And I did have a brother as well. There were other siblings but they were older and gone.

I send you all hugs and love

Hugs and love to you too Tis,
What you went through from your own mother makes me shudder. It's so much worse than my Brett Home experience. I had a mother I saw once a week. A mother who took me out of the home for an outing once a month. She did the best she could. Never once did she tell us she didn't want us.
That any mother could is inconceivable to me. Incredibly cruel and damaging. Emotionally devastating.
What kept me healthy mentally and emotionally was knowing someday I would leave that place. That the people causing the distress were strangers. I could detach myself, live in my own little world, be a rock. They meant nothing to me. My mother loved me and was trying her best to find a way for us to be together. I had hope.

You couldn't escape. My heart breaks for you.