Can anyone tell me how to post on the humour thread .? There is no humour at all on there and it's not funny .
WHAT !! No humour and we are supposed to be oldies . If we can't display humour at this stage of our lives then the plot has been lost .
If no one can help then this thread will have to do . Cheers

If you go to the Latest News and Current Affairs Thread you'll notice a 'daily ha ha' thread going there. That's always good for a giggle.

jolly -
what you say is so true. As Patricia Camerom Hill(Humorobics) describes,"We need to give children a reason to grow up" If we are not getting 'funnier' as we grow older ,we are going the wrong way.
Life is too important to take seriously. Thank you for the reminder.
Peace and harmony.
Geno

Subject: Why we need to clean house in November

Is it any surprise the U S of A is in a mess


A DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of 'why' our country is in trouble!

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)

2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts.''

Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa ''

His response -- click.

3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried t o explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.

He replied, 'don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!'' (OMG)

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada ?''

I said, ''No.''

She said, ''But they look so close on the map.'' (OMG, again!)

5. An aide for a cabinet member(Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas . I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas . When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)

6. An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.

I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

7. A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?'

He replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!''

After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, Ca. Is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage..

8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?''

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright (D) from Ala who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?''

I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''

10. Senator Dianne Feinstein (D)
Called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida . Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?''

I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane.

She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''

11. Mary Landrieu (D) La. Senator called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. 'Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.”

I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!''

12. A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York .''

I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?''

'Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man.

After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere."

''The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!''

So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo, do you?''

The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''

Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it's in!

Could anyone be this DUMB?

YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED.

I don't write it, I just offer it for your consideration. Like manure, you just gotta spread it around

Lost my way around for a while and don't get much time to be on here but thanks evryone for there comments .

Oneliners...

I was wondering where my boomerang had landed - and then it came to me.

A:\ B:\ C:\ - Alphabet of a new generation.

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Say nothing . . . often.

Mothers of teenagers know why animals eat their young.

All the women moaning about finding a husband obviously never had one.

Everything is always okay in the end. If it's not, it's not the end.

You non-conformists are all alike.

Sign on a synagogue: Under same management for 5,765 years.

The extra mile isn't half as long as all those other miles.

A genius is someone who is screwed up in a useful way.

Life is really like a shower. One wrong turn and you're in hot water.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

The edit system doesn't seem to work or am I still ( Oh no ) on a learning curve .

Retirement is time for fun .
Subject: Fw: Retirement projects
Banned from Sainsbury's, didn't like shopping there anyway
Yesterday I was at my local Sainsbury's buying a large bag of Purina dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had - an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again.
I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but that I'd lost 2 stones before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of
my orifices and IVs in both arms
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hitus both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
I'm now banned from Sainsbury's.
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.
Am I banned from grown ups now ??

No you should be promoted to section leader or some other important rank, keep up the good work! the punch line was in the right place.

oops:This from a guy who plays the "bag pipes": "I was asked by a pastor friend of mine to play at a funeral for a homeless man with no friends or living relations. The funeral was to be held out in the back blocks so I set out and promptly got lost. Being a man I would not ask for directions and pressed on and when I arrived the service was over and the pastor and attendants had left, leaving just the workers to fill the grave, the grave was partly filled and they were eating their lunch and I apologized for being late and decided to play "Amazing Grace" anyway, I played my heart and soul out for this homeless man and when the workers heard it they put down their lunch and gathered round, as I played tears rolled down my cheeks and the workers were moved to tears as well and we all wept for this poor man. After I had finished I packed up my pipes and moved to my car, my heart was heavy but undbowed, as I opened the door to my car I heard one of the workers remark " I never heard anything like that before an I'v been digging septic tanks for 25 years"

ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME
WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE,
AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:


1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.

2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.

5. I thought that I could love no other
-- that is until I met your brother.

6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's
empty and so is your head.

7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

9. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'

11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.