Gotta love this one. !!!!!



Helen Clarke, ex Prime Minister of New Zulland, is awoken at 4am by the telephone.

Hillen, its the hilth Munister here.
Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency!!!
I've just received word thet the Durex factory en Aucklnd hes burned to the ground.
It is istimated that the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week!

PM: 'SHUT!!! - the economy wull niver be able to cope with all those unwanted bebies - w'ill be ruined!!'

Hilth Munister: 'We're going to hef to shup some in from....Brutain?'

PM: 'No chence!! The Poms will have a field day on thus one!!'

Hilth Munister: 'What about Australia ?'

PM: 'I'll call Kevin Rudd - tell hum we need one million condoms;
ten enches long and eight enches thuck!!
That way they'll continue to respect the all blacks!'

Three days later a delighted Hillen rushes out to open the boxes.
She finds one million condoms;
10 enches long; 8 enches thuck,
all coloured green and gold.
with small writing on each one...

MADE IN AUSTRALIA
- SIZE: MEDIUM

Ouch!! LOL

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

After the initial embarrassment and uneasiness, they both go to sleep, the man in the upper berth, and the woman in the lower.

In the middle of the night the man leans over, wakes the woman and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly reach over and get me another blanket?"

The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye says, "I have a better idea. Just for tonight let's pretend that we are married."

The man happily says, "OK. Brilliant!"

The woman says "Good ... get your own blanket."

A couple, determined that their new baby daughter should not grow up to be fast-living or worldly-wise, brought her up to be a sweet young thing.When she grew up she was married in white, to a nice young man of whom both her parents approved. On the wedding night, she sat by the window and looked eagerly at the night sky."Come to bed,come to bed" the young husband urged her."Oh no, I can't"she told him"My mother told me that this was going to be the most wonderful night of my life and I don't want to miss a single minute of it."

Bad day at work???



If you don't laugh out loud after you read this you are in a coma!



This is even funnier when you realize it's real!

Next time you have a bad day at work, think of this guy.



Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana.



He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.



Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister.



She then sent it to a radio station in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was

sponsoring a worst job experience contest.



Needless to say, she won.




************************************************************************
**
**********



Hi Sue,



Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.

Last week I had a bad day at the office.

I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would
share
my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.



Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a

few technicalities of my job.



As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea.

I wear a suit to the office.

It's a wetsuit.

This time of year the water is quite cool.

So what we do to keep warm is this:



We have a diesel-powered industrial water heater.

This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea, heats
it
to a delightful temperature, then pumps it down to the diver through a

garden hose which is taped to the air hose.



Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times
with
no complaints.



What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose

and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit.

This floods my whole suit with warm water.

It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my bum started to
itch.




So, of course, I scratched it.

This only made things worse.

Within a few seconds my bum started to burn!

I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done.

In agony I realized what had happened.

The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my

suit.



Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't
stick
to it.

However, the crack of my bum was not as fortunate.

When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding
the
jellyfish into the crack of my bum.



I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator.

His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five

other divers, were all laughing hysterically.

Needless to say I aborted the dive.



I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops

totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin
my
chamber dry decompression.

When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass
helmet.


As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter
running
down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my
bum
as soon as I got in the chamber.

The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poo for two days because my
bum
was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much
worse
it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your arse.

Now repeat to yourself, I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.



Now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad

day?



May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day!!!!!









vvv

Lovely Dog Quotes:

"Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant." - Unknown


"Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies." - Gene Hill

"In dog years, I'm dead." - Unknown

"Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear." - Dave Barry

"Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend; inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." - Groucho Marx

"To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs." - Aldous Huxley

"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down." - Robert Benchley

"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives." - Sue Murphy

"I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves." - August Strindberg

"No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation." - Fran Lebowitz

"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul - chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!" - Anne Tyler

"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult." - Rita Rudner

"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money."- Joe Weinstein

"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons." - James Thurber

"You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets." - Nora Ephron

"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful." - Ann Landers

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea." - Robert A. Heinlein

"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him." - Derek Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan

"Of all the things I miss from veterinary practice, puppy breath is one of the most fond memories!" - Dr. Tom Cat

"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."- Ben Williams

"When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem." - Edward Abbey

"Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it." - Unknown

"Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail." - Unknown

"No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does." - Christopher Morley

"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself." - Josh Billings

"Man is a dog's idea of what God should be." - Holbrook Jackson

"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person." - Andrew A. Rooney

"He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion." - Unknown

"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man." - Mark Twain

"Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane." - Smiley Blanton

"I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts." - John Steinbeck

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house

for a play date. "Mommy," the little girl asks, "How old

are you?"


"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the

mother replied. "It's not polite."

"OK," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "Those are personal

questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy

get a divorce?"

"That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!" The

exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to

play.

"My mom won't tell me anything about herself," the little

girl says to her friend.

"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at

her driver's license. It's like a report card, it has

everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, " I

know how old you are. You are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that

out?"

"I also know that you weigh 135 pounds."

The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in

Heaven's name did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you

and Daddy got a divorce."

"Oh, really?" the mother asks. "Why?"

"Because you got an F in sex."

Rowal5555
If you still check this site, I have a thought for you

If a man is in the forest and says something
And there isn't a woman around to tell him he's wrong
Is he still wrong?

Unfortunately yes, Men are known, to always get it wrong.
Thats why they only have 3 pairs of shoes,
They have lost the rest of their shoes by putting their foot in their mouths.

@ Kazrose and Jante.

IMHO, A man on his own is NEVER wrong, LOL.

Read this one day-
The clam esteemed by Gourmets highly
is said to lead the life of Riley
When you are lolling on the piazza
A clam is what you're happy as a

One December, a man rang his daughter, who lived in Brisbane, and told her"Your mother and I are going to get a divorce." "But Dad," his daughter said"You and Mum have been married for more than thirty years!"
"It's been coming while ,"her father said"and now that our children are all well grown up it is time for your mother and I to part company"
The horrified daughter instructed him not to do a thing about it until she got there and ASAP she rang her brother, who lived in Melbourne, told him what Dad had said and he rang Dad and Mum in New Zealand, urging them,"Don't do a thing until I get there." So his father agreed readily.
When he had finished talking to his son on the phone, he went to his wife and said "Great news Sweetheart! The kids are both coming home for Christmas and they're paying their own airfares."