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Member since 01 Apr 2011
Member from Cockle Bay
Love the Irish.
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking spot.
Looking up to heaven he said, ' Lord take pity on me .... If you find me a parking spot I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life, and give up me Irish Whiskey'.
Miraculously a vacant parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said ' Never mind, I've found one!!!!'
Member since 28 Oct 2006
Member from Wanganui
Earth Day Extra:The Green Thing Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the older woman that she should bring her own shopping bags because plastic bags weren't good for the environment. The woman apologized and explained, "We didn't have this 'green thing' back in my earlier days." The cashier responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations." She was right -- our generation didn't have the 'green thing' in its day. * Back then, we returned milk bottles, pop bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled. * We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull. But we didn't have the 'green thing' back in our day. * We walked up stairs, because we didn't have an escalator in every shop and office building. * We walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks. But she was right. We didn't have the 'green thing' in our day. * Back then, we washed the baby's nappies because we didn't have the throw-away kind. * We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling machine burning up 220 volts -- wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. * Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing. But that young lady is right. We didn't have the 'green thing' back in our day. * Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of a billiard table. * In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us. * When we packaged a fragile item to send in the post, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. * Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn petrol just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. * We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity. But she's right. We didn't have the 'green thing' back then. * We drank water from a fountain or a tap when we were thirsty instead of demanding a plastic bottle flown in from another country. * We accepted that a lot of food was seasonal and we did not expect it to be available by flying it thousands of air miles around the world. * We actually cooked food that did not come out of a packet, tin or plastic wrap and we could even wash our own vegetables and chop our own salad. But we didn't have the 'green thing' back then. * Back then, people took the tram or a bus, and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their mothers into a 24-hour taxi service. * We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest pizza joint. But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the 'green thing' back then? Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from a smart-ass young person. Remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off.
Member from Eltham
Hmmmm, I wonder if he thinks this type of reverse psychology really works Bryan?
After being married for 30 years, a wife asks her husband to describe her.
He looks at her for a while and says,"You'r A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K."
'What does that mean?', she asks.
"Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous and Hot".
She smiled happily and said, 'Oh, that's lovely........What about I, J and K?'
He said," I'm just kidding!"
He is now in intensive care and likely to recover very slowly in due course!!!!!!
Little Old Dear in an Aussie Court . . .
Will you please state your age?
I am 94 years old.
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,
When a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Did you know him?
No, but he sure was friendly.
What happened after he sat down?
He started to rub my thigh.
Did you stop him?
No, I didn't stop him.
Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.
What happened next?
He began to rub all over my body.
Did you stop him then?
No, I did not stop him.
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
What happened next?
Well, by then, I was feeling ‘so spicy' that I just laid down and told him
'Take me, young man. Take me now!'
Did he take you?
Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool!' And that's when I shot the little bastard.
Member since 08 Nov 2011
Member from Glen Eden
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch.
After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip.
When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes.
By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.
All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly
during the entire return drive.
The more he chided her, the more agitated he became.
He just wouldn't let up for a single minute.
To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant..
As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, While you're in there, you might as well get my hat, and the credit card.
This coming week is National Senior Mental Health Week.
You can do YOUR part by remembering to contact at least one unstable Senior to show you care.
I have now done MY part !
A Blond Bombshell buys the new Automatic BMW X8 sport.
She drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night the car just won’t move at all.
She tries driving the car at night for a week but still no luck.
She then furiously calls the BMW dealers and they send out a technician to her.
The technician asks “ Miss, are you sure you are using the right gears?”
Full of anger she replies “You fool, idiot man, how you could ask such a question, I'm not stupid!
I use 'D' for the Day and 'N' for the Night...”
Grandma's New Boyfriend
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.
Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting,
he looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven ?' Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long.
The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh ... I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible.
She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.
Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said,
'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'
The little boy replied,
'Yup, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'
The minister fainted .....
Now, that's just funny...
A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"
"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus"
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"
"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.
"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."
"Second - There's a pit bull chained in
the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."
"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You
have to take care of that problem."
The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"
"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."
As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"
He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body. He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"
Member since 05 Jan 2008
Member from Stoke
This is the story of Bryan's poor dizzy blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.
He has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic, calls out a May Day.
"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"
She hears a voice over the radio saying:
"This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem.
'Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."
She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."
"O.K." says the voice on the radio....
"Repeat after me: Our Father. . Who art in Heaven. . . ..."
Member since 19 Jan 2011
Member from Te Awamutu
Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely I can’t look that old? Well….you’ll love this one! My name is Alice Smith and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his dental diploma, which bore his full name. Suddenly I remembered a tall, handsome, dark haired boy with the same name had been in my secondary school class some 30-odd years ago. Could he be that same guy I had a secret crush on, way back then?
Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, grey haired man with the deeply lined face was far too old to have been my classmate. After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park Secondary school. “Yes, yes I did. I’m a Morganner” “He beamed with pride. “When did you leave to go to college?” I asked. He answered, “In 1965, why do you ask?”, “You were in my class!” I exclaimed. He looked at me closely. Then the ugly, old, bald, wrinkled, fat arsed, grey haired, decrepit, bastard asked…. “What did you teach?”
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