Reflections after our EARTHQUAKE.

Dont get your knickers in a knot It doesnt solve anything and makes you walk funny.
Always remember you are unique just like everyone else.

Dont major in minor things.

Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red Massey Ferguson.

Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right welly, followed by the left.

He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers.

Grabbing both sides of his check shirt he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on to a pile of hay.

"What the feck are you doing Mick" says Paddy.

"Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin bejasus out of me, says an obviously embarrassed Mick, "but me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I should do something sexy to a tractor".

Pick a number from 1-9.

Multiply by 3.

Add 3.

Multiply by 3 again.

Now add the two digits together to find your predicted favourite movie in the list of 18 movies below.






Movie List:

1. Gone With The Wind,
2. E.T.
3. Beverly Hills Cop.
4. Star Wars.
5. Forrest Gump.
6. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly.
7. Jaws.
8. Grease.
9. The Joy of Sex With A Goat ,
10. Casablanca.
11. Jurassic Park.
12. Shrek.
13. Pirates of the Caribbean.
14. Titanic.
15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark.
16. Home Alone.
17. Animal House.
18. Toy Story.

@@$##^^^&&&&&,and !***^%$)*## again.????

Janda
It doesn't matter what number you select it will always finish up on 9.

SuperGold, it didn't work with my Fergy either.

THATS the whole point of it benny.For a ruddy laugh,thats all.

Ha! Ha! Benny.. Thought you might enjoy that one...

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.

Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong,

'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace.

'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'

Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy,



she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.'

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part



hanging out of his pajamas.

He met Nurse Tracy.. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said,



'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.

Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'

'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace.



'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.

'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that,



but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'

(You've gotta love this .)









'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.

Well done Bazza

Two priests are on a luxury cruise when suddenly the ship ploughs into a floating object, is severely holed and begins quickly sinking.

The Captain announces orders to abandon ship and the passengers start running towards the lifeboats.

Once at the lifeboats, the priests watch as a crew member takes charge and screams "WOMEN AND CHILDREN FIRST - WOMAN AND CHILDREN FIRST !!"

"F...K the women and children" says one priest to the other.
"You think we have time ?" was the reply.

----------------------------------------------------------------

THE VIRGIN BIRTH

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"

The mother says, "It's my daughter Darla. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight and is sick most mornings."

The doctor gives Darla a good examination then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this but your Darla is pregnant. About 4 months would be my guess."

The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you Darla?"

Darla says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"

The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"

The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill.

I'll be damned if I'm going to miss it this time!"

Bruce, an kiwi who was working on contract for 3 months in Dublin was drinking in Donoghue’s pub in Merrion Row when he gets a call on his mobile phone.

He hangs up grinning from ear to ear, orders a round of drinks for everyone in the bar, because, he announces his wife back home has just produced a typical baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds but Bruce just shrugs, "That's about average in NZ. Like I said my boy is a typical Kiwi baby boy”.

Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations were heard. One woman even fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later Bruce returns to the bar.

Greg , the bartender says "You're the father of that typical Kiwi baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. Everybody's been having bets about how big he'd be in 2 weeks, we were going to call you. So how much does he weigh now?

The proud father answers '17 pounds"

Greg is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He weighed 25 pounds the day he was born.

Bruce takes a long S-l-o-w swig from his beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans onto the bar and proudly says .............. "Had him circumcised mate"