Bryan, that was SO clever. I'm on dialup and it took ages to download but it was really worth it. Thank you.

Sorry never thought to warn those on dial up but it is clever!!

Happy Fathers Day to all the Dads and Grandads out there and especially to those in the Canterbury area who need something to lighten things a little for them.....

Letters between son and dad

Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on


The Reply:

Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Dad

---ooo0ooo---

New and Improved

The little girl was sitting in her grandfather's lap as he read her a story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. By and by she was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.

Finally she spoke, "Granddad, did God make you?"
"Yes, sweetheart" he answered, "God made me a long time ago."
"Oh she said," then "Granddad, did God make me too?"
"Yes, indeed honey" he assured her. "God made you just a little while ago."
"Oh" she said. Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it now isn't he?"

keep safe all

An elderly, white-haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young blonde at his side.


He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."


At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," he said.




The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it.."




The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque clears so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank on Monday morning to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up on Monday afternoon," he said.




On Monday morning, the jeweller 'phoned the old man and said "Sir, there's no money in that account."




"I know," said the old man, "but let me tell you about my weekend!"




Not all Seniors Are Senile

A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of
him and went to her and said "Can you please help me, I don't know what hole
I'm on."


She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6." He
thanked
her and continued playing golf. On the back nine he got lost again.


He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. "I'm sorry
to bother you again, but I'm lost again, can you please tell me what hole I'm on."


She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you are on
13."
Again he thanked her and continued playing golf.


When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if
he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they were
drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living.


"I'm in sales."


He replied "No kidding so am I. What do you sell?"


She said it's too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know
What she sold she said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh.


He promised. She said, "I sell tampons".


He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically.


She said, "You promised you wouldn't laugh".
He replied "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it.


I'm still one hole behind you.

I sell toilet paper."

Scintillate by Roger McGough.

I have outlived
my youthfulness
so a quiet life for me

where once
I used to
scintillate

now I sin
till ten
past three.

Guts or Balls...

There is a medical distinction..

We've all heard about men having guts or balls, but do you really
know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, being met
by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: ''Are you still
cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?''

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass
and having the balls to say: ''You're next, fatty.''

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions... Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately
result in death.

: luv it.

Redneck SEX
Two Redneck's were out drinkin' and talking about their favorite sex positions.
One said, 'I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best.'
'I don't think I have ever heard of that one,' said the other Redneck 'What is it?'
'Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind.
Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear:
'By Jesus, these feel just like your sister's.' Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds.'

Redneck arseholes

Redneck Bubba died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the morgue needed someone to identify the body. So his two best friends Daryl and Gomer were sent for. Daryl went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
Daryl said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll 'im over." The mortician rolled him over and Daryl looked and said, "nope, tain't Bubba."
The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at him and said "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll 'im over." The mortician rolled him over, Gomer took a look and said..... " no, tain't Bubba."
The mortician, whose curiosity had gotten the better of him asked, "How can you tell?"
Gomer said "Well, Bubba had two assholes."
"What?" exclaimed the mortician. "He had two assholes?"
"Yup, everyone in town knew he had two assholes"
"Ever' time we went to town, folks would all say, "Here comes Bubba with them two assholes."

go git cha momma

A redneck family from the hills of West Virginia was visiting the city. They were in a mall for the first time in their lives.
The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
They boy asked, ?Paw, what?s at?? The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, ?Son, I dunno, I ain?t never seen anything like that in my entire life, I got no idea what it is.?
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number.
After the numbers began to light in the reverse order, the walls opened up again and a gorgeous voluptuous 24 year-old blond woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son ?Boy.........go git cha momma?

A blonde and a brunette were talking. The brunette complained, "Everytime my boyfriend brings home flowers, I have to to spend the weekend with my legs in the air." The blonde asks, "Dont you have a vase?"

You may have seen this before but I fell it is worth repeating....

NOAH TODAY

In the year 2010, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in Glasgow and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying: "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.

"Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed."

"I needed a Building Permit."

"I've been arguing with the Boat Inspector about the need for a sprinkler system."

"My neighbours claim that I've violated the Neighbourhood By-Laws by building the Ark in my back garden and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Local Planning Committee for a decision."

"Then the Local Council and the Electricity Company demanded a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it."

"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl."

"I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!"

"When I started gathering the animals the SSPCA took me to court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space."

"Then the Scottish Environmental Agency ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood."

"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building gang."

"Immigration are checking the Visa status of most of the people who want to work."

"The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience."

"To make matters worse, the Inland Revenue seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species."

"So, forgive me, Lord, but it will take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. "The Government beat me to it."