Subject: FW: The Emu




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An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe' with a full-grown emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment..

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says,
'A hamburger, chips and a coke.' The emu says, 'I'll have the same.'
Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, ! it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, mate, how do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'

'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man. The waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'

The truckie sighs, pauses, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.

SCHOOL 1957 vs. 2007

Scenario:
Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.

2009 - Police called, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it. Both children go to anger management programs for 3 months.. School board hold meeting to impliment bullying prevention programs

Scenario:
Robbie won't be still in class, disrupts other students.

1957 - Robbie sent to office and given 6 of the best by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2009 - Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. Robbie's parents get fortnightly disability payments and School gets extra funding from state because Robbie has a disability.

Scenario :
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2009 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison.

Scenario :
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.

1957 - Mark gets glass of water from Principal to take aspirin with.

2009 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario :
Pedro fails high school English.

1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.

2009 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. AFRE files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario :
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a bullant nest.

1957 - Ants die.

2009- Star Force, Federal Police & Anti-terrorism Squad called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, Feds investigate parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated. Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario :
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.

1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing..

2009 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.



This should be sent to every e-mail address to show how stupid we have become!

Think about it!

Be orrright after the 6th Snowdogsii. I get another 10gb to play with after that, and usually manage t scrape through on it. I spend a lot of time on computer playing games, usually use aobut 8.5gb, so have plenty to spare, but this time it was the ****** Photoshop that didn't download, but took up at least 2gb of my download space. Don't know where it went, but will buy the real McCoy and shuld be ok. Me hopes

The trouble with life is you,re halfway through before you realise its a "Do It Yourself thing.

People who eat natural food still die of natural causes.

Always keep a lid on your blender.

Nostalgia isn,t what it used to be.

You,re only as old as you feel,when you stop feeling,start worrying.

Don,t postpone joy.

Its no use pulling the trigger then trying to stop the bullet.

No worries Ansy, I just bought Photoshop Elements 8 for 153.00 brand new in the box and its the genuine one too

"No worries Ansy, I just bought Photoshop Elements 8 for 153.00 brand new in the box and its the genuine one too"

I was going to suggest that too! It has most of the features that the full version has and probably more than the amateur needs. I have used it since version 1 and found it good.

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.

"And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

oooh,That poor fella.

Camilla bought a new pair of shoes for her wedding which got increasingly tighter & tighter as the day went on. That night after the festivities were finally over, she & Charles had retired back to their room. Camilla flopped on the bed and said 'Please remove my shoes darling. Ones feet are killing one.'

Ever obedient, the Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigor ... . . But it would not budge.
'Harder' yelled Camilla.'Harder'

Charles yelled back, 'I'm trying darling! But it's just so bloody tight!'

'Come on give it all you've got ' she cried.

Finally when it released, Charles let out a big groan, and Camilla exclaimed 'There! Oh God, that feels so good.'

In their bedroom next door The Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said 'See I told you she was still a virgin with a face like that!'

Meanwhile back in the other bedroom Charles was attempting to remove the other shoe when he cried out 'Oh god, darling this ones even tighter'

At which point Prince Phillip turned and said to the Queen 'That's my boy, Once a Navy man, always a navy man!'

No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared, where Andy had carved “I love you, Sally ...”


On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money-fifty thousand dollars! Andy said, “We’ve got to give it back.” Sally said, “Finders keepers.” She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.




The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. “Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?” Sally said, “No”. Andy said, “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic. Sally said, “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile”




The agents turned to Andy and began to question him. One said: “Tell us the story from the beginning.” Andy said, “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ....” The first police officer turned to his partner and said, “We’re outta here!”

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence. The Priest said, 'Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so.'



Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, 'Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You can speak two words.'

Sister Mary Katherine said, 'Hard bed.'



'I'm sorry to hear that,' the Priest said, 'We will get you a better bed.'

After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest. 'You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.

'Cold food,' said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.



On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. 'You may say two words today.'

'I quit,' said Sister Mary Katherine.

'It's probably best', said the Priest, 'You've done f*ck all but moan since you've been here.