Following the success of the GrownUps sex survey, we introduce a new column, where you can ask all your questions about sex and relationships anonymously.
As always at GrownUps, this section is designed to help you live a great and inspirational life. We’ll try and answer your questions helpfully, tastefully and with a bit of humour. Your privacy will always be protected.
Send your questions to askme@grownups.co.nz
Q. My wife and I both suffer from leg cramps during sex. Can you offer any suggestions please?
A. Cramp is miserable and painful and certainly not what you want during intimate moments! Often recurrent cramp can be treated with a magnesium supplement. Athletes also use bananas and coconut water as natural alternatives to relieve cramp. It may also be a good idea to change positions regularly, so that you aren’t stuck in a spot that promotes cramp. If you are finding cramp affecting your regularly, it is worth mentioning to your GP.
Q. My new partner is trying to get me to try a whole lot of things that my late husband and I never did. I’m trying to be open-minded, but I still feel apprehensive.
A. A change can be refreshing, but when it comes to sex, take your time. A considerate lover will never push you to do things you are not comfortable with, nor should you allow yourself to be lead beyond your personal boundaries. Maybe pick one position or experiment and get comfortable with that first. Talk about how you are feeling. Sex should be fun. If you try and it doesn’t work – it’s fine to laugh!
Q. I think I need some help with my erections. My wife doesn’t want me to. She is taking it personally and feels if I was really attracted to her, I wouldn’t need pharmaceutical help. I want to keep things good between us – please advise!
A. The great thing about getting older is that you are wise enough to know when to ask for help! Most men over the age of 40 will be let down at the crucial moment sexually at one time or another. It can be tough for both partners, but it is important to remember that erectile dysfunction is rarely caused by a lack of love or attraction! Assure your wife outside the bedroom how much you love and desire her. It is always good to get professional advice when something physical changes – ask your wife to come along. She is likely to feel far better when she understands how wide spread the problem is and that it really isn’t her fault!
Q. My husband always wants to have sex with the lights on but I am too shy. Any ways around this?
A. We are always our own harshest critics. If you ask most women what they’d improve about their bodies, there is often a long list.
Just remember, when you give someone a compliment, how do you feel if they throw it back in your face? Your husband obviously thinks you are beautiful. How fantastic! Maybe as a compromise, try candles, which give off a very flattering and gentle light…Men are visual creatures. Be prepared to have a great time!
Q. I have a bad back and my husband has a bad knee but we still want a hot sex life. Are there any positions you recommend we try?
A. Joint pain can be debilitating. However, endorphins (nature’s feel good chemicals, released during good sex) are also excellent pain killers. You might like to try getting started in a spa pool or shower, where the warm water will release tension and help relieve pain. If not, try massaging each other with a warm oil to get you in the mood and to loosen up the affected areas. After that, try “spooning”, where you are both lying on your sides, with plenty of opportunity to use your hands as well.
Q. Our daughter and her family have moved in with us to save for a house deposit and having extra people around the house is putting a damper on our sex life. Any tips on how to keep the fire burning, in a family friendly way?
A. Once a parent, always a parent! Get creative. Maybe you need to embrace your inner teenager and go for a drive to a secluded spot to get away from the extra house guests?
If you have to stay at home, use the noise of the shower fan and water running to cancel out any ‘happy noises’ in the bathroom in the morning, or exercise serious self control and keep things to a whisper, which could be lots of fun…
Q. My partner wants to try new things but I am a bit too shy. Do you have any suggestions for things I can do to spice up our sex life but that aren’t too “out there”?
A. Get out your mobile phone. You could take photos of your bedroom, new lingerie or anything else that your partner appreciates. Send them a new photo several times a day and allow the tension to build. There’s no need to send photos of yourself, better to let their imagination do the work…or you could simply send text messages, asking them to hurry home because you have had a fun idea.
Q. My husband wants me to dress up as a school-teacher in the bedroom and punish him, but I’m worried my resentment of him not doing the dishes or housework will come to the surface and I won’t be able to stop. How far is too far when it comes to punishment as a sex game?
A. This is obviously his fantasy, and as such, is supposed to be a break from reality. The housework isn’t really relevant if you are focused in the bedroom. His desire will come from being controlled for a time. With any game that may involve pushing boundaries, you should agree on a safe word before you begin. Afterwards, it could become a fun secret between the two of you – imagine his reaction if he walked in the door and you whisper ‘Teacher says do the dishes…’
Q. My husband wants to try using food as foreplay but I’m not so sure. Any advice on food that won’t stain the sheets or carpet?
A. Sex is messy, but food can be an interesting addition without requiring a major cleanup. Try having dessert together and dabbing ice-cream/chocolate sauce on each other’s collarbones or navels and licking it off. Feed each other berries and other exotic fruit. Try to concentrate more on the sensation and less on the mess and you will probably find yourself having a great time!
Bill Leathwick - 8 years ago
please delete my February comment. It no longer applies!!!