- #1727018supergold August 1, 2019 at 8:04 am
Jack, age 92, and Gillian, age 89, living in Auckland, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a chemist shop and Jack suggests they go in.
Jack addresses the man behind the counter, “Are you the owner?”
The pharmacist answers, “Yes.”
Jack: “We’re about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?”
Pharmacist: “Of course we do.”
Jack: “How about medicine for circulation?”
Pharmacist: “All kinds.”
Jack: “Medicine for rheumatism?”
Jack: “How about suppositories?”
Pharmacist: “You bet!”
Jack: “Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer’s?”
Pharmacist: “Yes, a large variety. The works..”
Jack: “What about vitamins, sleeping pills, antidotes for Parkinson’s disease?”
Jack: “Everything for heartburn and indigestion?”
Pharmacist: “We sure do…”
Jack: “You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?”
Pharmacist: “All speeds and sizes.”
Jack: “Adult incontinence pants?”
Jack: “Then we’d like to use this store for our wedding presents list…”
Supergold-Wainuiomata (Wellington)#1727102totaraMemberMember since: November 29, 2007
Replies: 551totara August 2, 2019 at 2:42 pm
A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the doctors.
‘Doctor, I don’t feel too good,’ said the little paper bag.
‘Hmm, you look OK to me,’ said the Doctor, ‘but I’ll do a blood test and see what that shows,
Come back and see me in a couple of days.’
The little paper bag felt no better when he got back for the results.
‘What’s wrong with me?’ asked the little paper bag.
‘I’m afraid you are HIV positive!’ said the doctor.
‘No, I can’t be – I’m just a little paper bag!’ said the little paper bag.
‘Have you been having unprotected sex?’ asked the doctor.
‘NO, I can’t do things like that – I’m just a little paper bag!’
‘Well have you been sharing needles with other Intravenous drug users?’ asked the doctor.
‘NO, I can’t do things like that – I’m just a little paper bag!’
‘Perhaps you’ve been abroad recently and required a Jab or a blood transfusion?’ queried the doctor.
‘NO, I don’t have a passport – I’m just a little paper bag!’
‘Well’, said the doctor, ‘are you in a homosexual relationship?’
‘NO! I told you I can’t do things like that, I’m Just a little paper bag!’
‘Then there can be only one explanation.’ said the doctor.
This is good – wait for it …. …. …. ……. ….
‘Your mother must have been a carrier!’#1728118supergold August 8, 2019 at 11:54 am
Neymar goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his team mates
looking a bit glum. “What’s up?” he asks.
“Well, we’re having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know
it’s important but it’s only England . They’re easy and we can’t be
Neymar looks at them and says “Well, I reckon I can beat them by
myself, you lads go down the pub.” So Neymar goes out to play England by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few beers.
After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so get the landlord to
put the TV on. A big cheer goes up as the screen shows ”
Brazil 1 (Neymar 10 minutes) – England 0 ”
He is beating England all by himself! Anyway, a few more beers later
and the game is forgotten until someone remembers “It must be full time
now,let’s see how he got on” They put the TV on. “Result from the Estadio Do Maracana :
Brazil 1(Neymar 10 minutes) – England 1 (Rooney 89 minutes).” They
can’t believe it, he has single handedly got a draw against England !!
They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the
dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands.
He refuses to look at them. “I’ve let you down, I’ve let you down”
“Don’t be stupid, you got a draw against England , all by yourself. And they
only scored at the very very end!”
“No, No, I have, I’ve let you down!. I got sent off after 12 minutes”
Supergold-Wainuiomata (Wellington)#1729136totaraMemberMember since: November 29, 2007
Replies: 551totara August 10, 2019 at 11:43 am
The Dog’s Meeting
Oh, the dogs once held a concert,
They came from near and far.
Oh, some they came by aeroplane
And some by motor car.
Before into the concert hall
They were allowed to look,
Each dog had to take his arsehole
And hang it on a hook.
Oh, hardly were they seated there,
Each mother, son and sire,
When a dirty little yeller dog
Began to holler ‘Fire!’
Out they rushed in panic,
They didn’t stop to look;
Each dog just grabbed an arsehole
From off the nearest hook.
And that’s the reason why you see,
On walking down the street,
Each dog will stop and swap a smell
With every dog he meets.
And that’s the reason why a dog
Will leave a good fat bone
To go and smell an arsehole
In hopes to find his own.
Anonymous#1729161supergold August 10, 2019 at 2:41 pm
😆 good one Totara 😆 😆
I wanted to sing it but didn’t know if it had a tune. 😆
Supergold-Wainuiomata (Wellington)#1729202BryanMemberMember since: October 28, 2006
Replies: 12487Bryan August 11, 2019 at 9:40 am
From a POOR memory, it may be “The Wild Colonial Boy” it seems to fit anyway.
At Home, At Peace and Causing Trouble In South Taranaki#1729514supergold August 15, 2019 at 8:28 am
Last Friday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a prostate exam. Of course, I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted.
The waiting room was filled with patients.
As I approached the receptionist’s desk, I noticed that she was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.
I gave her my name, and in a very loud voice, she said,
‘YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE. YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?’
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me, a now very embarrassed man. But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,
‘NO, I’VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON’T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.’
The room erupted in applause.
DON’T MESS WITH OLD RETIRED GUYS. WE’LL WIN.
Attachments:You must be logged in to view attached files.#1730925supergold August 29, 2019 at 7:44 am
What do you get when you cross an agnostic, a dyslexic, and an insomniac? … a person who stays up all night wondering if there really is a dog.
There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
When I heard that oxygen and magnesium hooked up I was like OMg.
A guy walks into a bar and takes a seat. Before he can order a beer, the bowl of pretzels in front of him says “Hey, you’re a handsome fellow.” The man tries to ignore the bowl of pretzels, and orders a fine Pilsner beer. The bowl of pretzels then says “Ooooh, a pilsner, great choice. You’re a smart man.” Starting to freak out, the guy says to the bartender “Hey what the hell, this bowl of pretzels keeps saying nice things to me!” Bartender says “Don’t worry about it, the pretzels are complimentary.”
Supergold-Wainuiomata (Wellington)#1730985supergold August 30, 2019 at 8:09 am
I have a little Satnav
It sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver’s friend
It tells you where you are
I have a little Satnav
I’ve had it all my life
It’s better than the normal ones
My Satnav is my wife.
It gives me full instructions
Especially how to drive
“It’s thirty miles an hour”, it says
“You’re doing thirty five”
It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it’s never ever
Safe to overtake.
It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene.
It lists the vehicles just in front
And all those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear.
I’m sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice.
It fills me up with counselling
Each journey’s pretty fraught
So why don’t I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?
Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
Makes sure I’m properly fed,
It washes all my shirts and things
And – keeps me warm in bed!
Despite all these advantages
And my tendency to scoff,
I do wish that once in a while
I could turn the damned thing off!
– Pam Ayres
Supergold-Wainuiomata (Wellington)#1731226supergold September 2, 2019 at 8:43 am
How about this!!!
Airborne approximately thirty minutes on an outbound evening flight from Glasgow, the lead flight attendant for the cabin crew nervously made the following painful announcement..: “Ladies and gentlemen, I’m so very sorry but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up one minute prior to takeoff, by our airport catering service… I don’t know how this has happened but we have 103 passengers on board and, unfortunately, only 40 dinner meals… I truly apologise for this mistake and inconvenience.”
When passengers’ muttering had died down, she continued.. , “Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our flight.”
Her next announcement came 90 minutes later… “If anyone would like to change their minds, we still have 40 dinners available.”
What da ya expect from the Scots!
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