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Daily Haha Thread – add yours

This topic contains 12502 replies, has 234 voices, and was last updated by  supergold 1 day, 13 hours ago.

Discussions Jokes Daily Haha Thread – add yours

Viewing 10 posts - 12,471 through 12,480 (of 12,503 total)
  • #1727018
    supergold
    Member
    Member since: May 9, 2009
    Topics: 65
    Replies: 9098
    supergold

    Jack, age 92, and Gillian, age 89, living in Auckland, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a chemist shop and Jack suggests they go in.

    Jack addresses the man behind the counter, “Are you the owner?”

    The pharmacist answers, “Yes.”

    Jack: “We’re about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?”

    Pharmacist: “Of course we do.”

    Jack: “How about medicine for circulation?”

    Pharmacist: “All kinds.”

    Jack: “Medicine for rheumatism?”

    Pharmacist: “Definitely.”

    Jack: “How about suppositories?”

    Pharmacist: “You bet!”

    Jack: “Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer’s?”

    Pharmacist: “Yes, a large variety. The works..”

    Jack: “What about vitamins, sleeping pills, antidotes for Parkinson’s disease?”

    Pharmacist: “Absolutely..”

    Jack: “Everything for heartburn and indigestion?”

    Pharmacist: “We sure do…”

    Jack: “You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?”

    Pharmacist: “All speeds and sizes.”

    Jack: “Adult incontinence pants?”

    Pharmacist: “Sure.”

    Jack: “Then we’d like to use this store for our wedding presents list…”

    Supergold-Wainuiomata (Wellington)

    #1727102
    totara
    Member
    Member since: November 29, 2007
    Topics: 11
    Replies: 551
    totara

    A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the doctors.
    ‘Doctor, I don’t feel too good,’ said the little paper bag.
    ‘Hmm, you look OK to me,’ said the Doctor, ‘but I’ll do a blood test and see what that shows,
    Come back and see me in a couple of days.’
    The little paper bag felt no better when he got back for the results.
    ‘What’s wrong with me?’ asked the little paper bag.
    ‘I’m afraid you are HIV positive!’ said the doctor.
    ‘No, I can’t be – I’m just a little paper bag!’ said the little paper bag.
    ‘Have you been having unprotected sex?’ asked the doctor.
    ‘NO, I can’t do things like that – I’m just a little paper bag!’
    ‘Well have you been sharing needles with other Intravenous drug users?’ asked the doctor.
    ‘NO, I can’t do things like that – I’m just a little paper bag!’
    ‘Perhaps you’ve been abroad recently and required a Jab or a blood transfusion?’ queried the doctor.
    ‘NO, I don’t have a passport – I’m just a little paper bag!’
    ‘Well’, said the doctor, ‘are you in a homosexual relationship?’
    ‘NO! I told you I can’t do things like that, I’m Just a little paper bag!’
    ‘Then there can be only one explanation.’ said the doctor.
    SCROLL DOWN
    This is good – wait for it …. …. …. ……. ….
    Y
    Y
    Y
    Y
    Y
    Y
    Y
    ‘Your mother must have been a carrier!’

    #1728118
    supergold
    Member
    Member since: May 9, 2009
    Topics: 65
    Replies: 9098
    supergold

    Neymar goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his team mates
    looking a bit glum. “What’s up?” he asks.

    “Well, we’re having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know
    it’s important but it’s only England . They’re easy and we can’t be
    bothered”.

    Neymar looks at them and says “Well, I reckon I can beat them by
    myself, you lads go down the pub.” So Neymar goes out to play England by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few beers.

    After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so get the landlord to
    put the TV on. A big cheer goes up as the screen shows ”
    Brazil 1 (Neymar 10 minutes) – England 0 ”

    He is beating England all by himself! Anyway, a few more beers later
    and the game is forgotten until someone remembers “It must be full time
    now,let’s see how he got on” They put the TV on. “Result from the Estadio Do Maracana :
    Brazil 1(Neymar 10 minutes) – England 1 (Rooney 89 minutes).” They
    can’t believe it, he has single handedly got a draw against England !!

    They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the
    dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands.
    He refuses to look at them. “I’ve let you down, I’ve let you down”
    “Don’t be stupid, you got a draw against England , all by yourself. And they
    only scored at the very very end!”
    “No, No, I have, I’ve let you down!. I got sent off after 12 minutes”

    Supergold-Wainuiomata (Wellington)

    #1729136
    totara
    Member
    Member since: November 29, 2007
    Topics: 11
    Replies: 551
    totara

    The Dog’s Meeting

    Oh, the dogs once held a concert,
    They came from near and far.
    Oh, some they came by aeroplane
    And some by motor car.

    Before into the concert hall
    They were allowed to look,
    Each dog had to take his arsehole
    And hang it on a hook.

    Oh, hardly were they seated there,
    Each mother, son and sire,
    When a dirty little yeller dog
    Began to holler ‘Fire!’

    Out they rushed in panic,
    They didn’t stop to look;
    Each dog just grabbed an arsehole
    From off the nearest hook.

    And that’s the reason why you see,
    On walking down the street,
    Each dog will stop and swap a smell
    With every dog he meets.

    And that’s the reason why a dog
    Will leave a good fat bone
    To go and smell an arsehole
    In hopes to find his own.

    Anonymous

    #1729161
    supergold
    Member
    Member since: May 9, 2009
    Topics: 65
    Replies: 9098
    supergold

    😆 good one Totara 😆  😆

    I wanted to sing it but didn’t know if it had a tune. 😆

    Supergold-Wainuiomata (Wellington)

    #1729202
    Bryan
    Member
    Member since: October 28, 2006
    Topics: 15
    Replies: 12487
    Bryan

    From a POOR memory, it may be “The Wild Colonial Boy” it seems to fit anyway.

    At Home, At Peace and Causing Trouble In South Taranaki

    #1729514
    supergold
    Member
    Member since: May 9, 2009
    Topics: 65
    Replies: 9098
    supergold

    59248503 n

    Last Friday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a prostate exam. Of course, I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted.

    The waiting room was filled with patients.

    As I approached the receptionist’s desk, I noticed that she was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.
    I gave her my name, and in a very loud voice, she said,
    ‘YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE. YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?’

    All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me, a now very embarrassed man. But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,

    ‘NO, I’VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON’T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.’
    The room erupted in applause.

    DON’T MESS WITH OLD RETIRED GUYS. WE’LL WIN.

    Supergold-Wainuiomata (Wellington)

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    #1730925
    supergold
    Member
    Member since: May 9, 2009
    Topics: 65
    Replies: 9098
    supergold

    What do you get when you cross an agnostic, a dyslexic, and an insomniac? … a person who stays up all night wondering if there really is a dog.

    There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

    It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

    When I heard that oxygen and magnesium hooked up I was like OMg.

    A guy walks into a bar and takes a seat. Before he can order a beer, the bowl of pretzels in front of him says “Hey, you’re a handsome fellow.” The man tries to ignore the bowl of pretzels, and orders a fine Pilsner beer. The bowl of pretzels then says “Ooooh, a pilsner, great choice. You’re a smart man.” Starting to freak out, the guy says to the bartender “Hey what the hell, this bowl of pretzels keeps saying nice things to me!” Bartender says “Don’t worry about it, the pretzels are complimentary.”

    Supergold-Wainuiomata (Wellington)

    #1730985
    supergold
    Member
    Member since: May 9, 2009
    Topics: 65
    Replies: 9098
    supergold

    I have a little Satnav
    It sits there in my car
    A Satnav is a driver’s friend
    It tells you where you are

    I have a little Satnav
    I’ve had it all my life
    It’s better than the normal ones
    My Satnav is my wife.

    It gives me full instructions
    Especially how to drive
    “It’s thirty miles an hour”, it says
    “You’re doing thirty five”

    It tells me when to stop and start
    And when to use the brake
    And tells me that it’s never ever
    Safe to overtake.

    It tells me when a light is red
    And when it goes to green
    It seems to know instinctively
    Just when to intervene.

    It lists the vehicles just in front
    And all those to the rear
    And taking this into account
    It specifies my gear.

    I’m sure no other driver
    Has so helpful a device
    For when we leave and lock the car
    It still gives its advice.

    It fills me up with counselling
    Each journey’s pretty fraught
    So why don’t I exchange it
    And get a quieter sort?

    Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
    Makes sure I’m properly fed,
    It washes all my shirts and things
    And – keeps me warm in bed!

    Despite all these advantages
    And my tendency to scoff,
    I do wish that once in a while
    I could turn the damned thing off!

    – Pam Ayres

    Supergold-Wainuiomata (Wellington)

    #1731226
    supergold
    Member
    Member since: May 9, 2009
    Topics: 65
    Replies: 9098
    supergold

    How about this!!!

    Airborne approximately thirty minutes on an outbound evening flight from Glasgow, the lead flight attendant for the cabin crew nervously made the following painful announcement..: “Ladies and gentlemen, I’m so very sorry but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up one minute prior to takeoff, by our airport catering service… I don’t know how this has happened but we have 103 passengers on board and, unfortunately, only 40 dinner meals… I truly apologise for this mistake and inconvenience.”

    When passengers’ muttering had died down, she continued.. , “Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our flight.”

    Her next announcement came 90 minutes later… “If anyone would like to change their minds, we still have 40 dinners available.”

    What da ya expect from the Scots!

    118852

    Supergold-Wainuiomata (Wellington)

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