- #1718599supergold May 6, 2019 at 12:34 pm
Supergold-Wainuiomata (Wellington)#1718787supergold May 8, 2019 at 1:29 pm
Supergold-Wainuiomata (Wellington)#1718846totaraMemberMember since: November 29, 2007
Replies: 547#1719132dr-whoMemberMember since: April 12, 2017
Replies: 160dr-who May 13, 2019 at 12:34 pm
My wife and I decided to go on rather strict diets.
Last week my wife proposed we have a cheat day.
She came home with 3 big macs and a bucket of KFC.
I came home with the local supermarket checkout lady.
I am now in hospital wondering where I went wrong.#1719619supergold May 18, 2019 at 4:14 pm
A lawyer, who had a wife and 12 children, needed to move because his rental agreement was terminated by the owner who wanted to reoccupy the home. But he was having a lot of difficulty finding a new house. When he said, he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him because they felt that the children would destroy the place. He couldn’t say he had no children, because he couldn’t lie as we all know lawyers cannot and do not lie. So, he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 of their kids. He took the remaining one with him to see rental homes with the real estate agent. He loved one of the homes and the price was right — the agent asked: “How many children do you have? He answered: “Twelve.” The agent asked, “Where are the others?” The lawyer, with his best courtroom sad look answered “They’re in the cemetery with their mother.”
MORAL: *It’s not necessary to lie, one only has to choose the right words…and don’t forget, most politicians are lawyers.*
Supergold-Wainuiomata (Wellington)#1719757lilith7MemberMember since: April 9, 2017
Replies: 2029lilith7 May 20, 2019 at 11:14 am
An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, “Have you ever been arrested?” He answered, “No.”
The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the last one, was “Why?” The applicant answered it anyway: “Never got caught.”
A man applied for a job as an industrial spy. Together with several other applicants, he was given a sealed envelope and told to take it to the fourth floor. As soon as the man was alone, he stepped into an empty hallway and opened the envelope. Inside, a message read: “You’re our kind of person. Report to the fifth floor Personnel Office.”
Employer to applicant: “In this job we need someone who is responsible.”
Applicant: “I’m the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”
In a job interview for policemen the applicants are shown a profile picture of a man, and the interviewer says, “The job that you’re applying for requires powers of observation. Make one observation about this man.”
The first applicant enters and says, “This man has just one ear.”
“Get out!!” screams the interviewer.
The second applicant enters and says, “This man has one ear.”
“Get out!!” screams the interviewer again.
Then the third applicant gets up to go in for his interview. The first two guys are out there and they tell him, “The guy that’s giving the interview doesn’t like to hear that the man in the picture has one ear.”
“Thanks for the tip” says the third applicant.
So the third applicant enters, stares at the picture for a while and finally he says, “This man wears contact lenses.”
The interviewer is impressed and says, “Excellent observation. Tell me, how could you tell?”
So the guy says, “Well, this man has just one ear, how could he wear glasses?”
When you hire people who are smarter than you are, you prove you are smarter than they are.#1720060supergold May 23, 2019 at 10:13 am
wo boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil.
One said to the other, ‘What do you think about all this Satan stuff?’
The other boy replied, ‘Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out.
It’s probably just your Dad..’
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, ‘Why is the bride dressed in white?”
The mother replied, ‘Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.’
The child thought about this for a moment then said,
‘So why is the groom wearing black?’
A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could,
trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, ‘Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late! Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late!’ While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress.
She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again!
As she ran she once again began to pray,
‘Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late…But please don’t shove me either!’
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers.
The first boy says, ‘My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50..’
The second boy says, ‘That’s nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.’
The third boy says, ‘I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!’
An elderly woman died last month.
Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers.
In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote,
‘They wouldn’t take me out while I was alive, I don’t want them to take me out when I’m dead.’
A police recruit was asked during the exam,
‘What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?’
He answered, ‘Call for backup.’
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why
Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem..
A small child replied, ‘They couldn’t get a baby-sitter.’
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments
with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to ‘Honor thy father and thy mother,’ she asked, ‘Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?’
Without missing a beat, one little boy answered,
‘Thou shall not kill..’
Supergold-Wainuiomata (Wellington)#1720151supergold May 24, 2019 at 12:02 pm
Well you see, there was this baby boy born with the surname of Odd.
He never made his Christian name known.
All through school he was teased, ridiculed and generally made fun of.
Being a knowledgeable person he set his goal to achieve a high level of education so he wouldn’t have to put up with this teasing all his life.
He excelled, becoming an Industrial scientist, setting up his own company making specialty components.
He became very rich and was able to retire in luxury in an isolated spot away from people taunting and teasing him.
As it always happens, time rolls along and he feels it’s time to make a will and funeral arrangements.
He donates all his money and wants a private burial service with a headstone with no wording on it.
At last he will be free of that name.
His lawyer ensured his wishes were carried out.
Now days people walking through the cemetery see the tombstone with no inscription and say, “that’s Odd!”
Supergold-Wainuiomata (Wellington)#1720735supergold May 29, 2019 at 9:21 pm
A man absolutely hated his wife’s cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.
Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home.
At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: “Jen, is the cat there?” “Yes”, the wife answers, “why do you ask?”
Frustrated, the man answered, “Put him on the phone, I’m lost and need directions!”
Supergold-Wainuiomata (Wellington)#1720741supergold May 30, 2019 at 8:36 am
An Australian tour guide was showing a group of American tourists the Top End. On their way to Kakadu he was describing the amazing abilities of the Australian Aborigines to track man or beast over land, through the air and under the sea.
The Americans were incredulous.
Later in the day, as the group rounded a bend on the highway they discovered, lying in the middle of the road, an Aborigine.
He had one ear pressed to the white line, whilst his left leg was held high in the air.
The bus stopped and the guide and the tourists gathered around the prostrate Aborigine…
“Hey Jacky,” said the tour guide, “what are you tracking and what are you listening for?”
The aborigine replied, “Down the road about 25 miles is a 1971 Valiant Ute… It’s a red one… the left front tyre is bald…
The front end is out of whack, and him got bloody dents all over…
There are 9 black fellas in the back, all drinking warm sherry.
There are 3 kangaroos on the roof rack and 4 dogs on the front seat.”
The American tourists moved forward, astounded by this precise and detailed knowledge.”Good Lord man, how do you know all that?,” asked one.
The Aborigine replied:… ‘I fell out of the bloody thing about half an hour ago!”
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