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Daily Haha Thread – add yours

This topic contains 12476 replies, has 233 voices, and was last updated by  supergold 4 days, 21 hours ago.

Discussions Jokes Daily Haha Thread – add yours

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  • #1717215
    supergold
    Member
    Member since: May 9, 2009
    Topics: 65
    Replies: 8989
    supergold

    At St. Peter’s Church, they have weekly marriage support groups for husbands. During the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

    Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, ‘Well, I’va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!’

    The priest responded, ‘Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?

    Giuseppe proudly replied, “I gonna go picka her up.”

    36386878 n

    Supergold-Wainuiomata (Wellington)

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    #1717297
    lilith7
    Member
    Member since: April 9, 2017
    Topics: 0
    Replies: 2029
    lilith7

    Groan inducing

    Mummies are bound to be uptight.

    Sir Cumference built King Arthur’s round table, and Sir Ramic Tile did the flooring.

    When those around King Arthur’s table had insomnia, there were a lot of sleepless knights.

    It is difficult to escape being a peasant because resistance is feudal.

    Kings worry about a receding heir line.

    The royal family moved into my neighborhood. They live Tudors down.

    The queen’s favourite chef was knighted Sir Loin.

    The people stand up for royalty. The queen sits down for royal tea.

    Royal chairs are rarely throne out.
    **
    Jesus & Mo

    http://www.jesusandmo.net/tag/cartoons/

    work2

    #1717534
    gabyone
    Member
    Member since: November 13, 2008
    Topics: 1
    Replies: 2742
    gabyone

    Lots of puns

    <p class=”m_4311584213661919716ox-c491c36dbd-MsoNormal”>Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married.</p>

    <p class=”m_4311584213661919716ox-c491c36dbd-MsoNormal”>The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.</p>

    <p class=”m_4311584213661919716ox-c491c36dbd-MsoNormal”> </p>

    <p class=”m_4311584213661919716ox-c491c36dbd-MsoNormal”>A jumper lead walks into a bar.</p>

    <p class=”m_4311584213661919716ox-c491c36dbd-MsoNormal”>The bartender says, “I’ll serve you,  but  don’t start anything.”</p>

    <p class=”m_4311584213661919716ox-c491c36dbd-MsoNormal”> </p>

    <p class=”m_4311584213661919716ox-c491c36dbd-MsoNormal”>Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.</p>

    <p class=”m_4311584213661919716ox-c491c36dbd-MsoNormal”> </p>

    <p class=”m_4311584213661919716ox-c491c36dbd-MsoNormal”>A dyslexic man walks into a bra.</p>

    <p class=”m_4311584213661919716ox-c491c36dbd-MsoNormal”> </p>

    <p class=”m_4311584213661919716ox-c491c36dbd-MsoNormal”>A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says;</p>

    <p class=”m_4311584213661919716ox-c491c36dbd-MsoNormal”>“A beer please, and one for the road.”</p>

    <p class=”m_4311584213661919716ox-c491c36dbd-MsoNormal”> </p>

    <p class=”m_4311584213661919716ox-c491c36dbd-MsoNormal”>Two cannibals are eating a clown.</p>

    <p class=”m_4311584213661919716ox-c491c36dbd-MsoNormal”>One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”</p>

    <p class=”m_4311584213661919716ox-c491c36dbd-MsoNormal”> </p>

    <p class=”m_4311584213661919716ox-c491c36dbd-MsoNormal”>“Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.’”</p>

    <p class=”m_4311584213661919716ox-c491c36dbd-MsoNormal”>“That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.”</p>

    <p class=”m_4311584213661919716ox-c491c36dbd-MsoNormal”>“Is it common?”</p>

    <p class=”m_4311584213661919716ox-c491c36dbd-MsoNormal”>“Well, ‘It’s Not Unusual.’”</p>

    <p class=”m_4311584213661919716ox-c491c36dbd-MsoNormal”> </p>

    <p class=”m_4311584213661919716ox-c491c36dbd-MsoNormal”>Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.</p>

    <p class=”m_4311584213661919716ox-c491c36dbd-MsoNormal”>Daisy says to Dolly, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.”</p>

    <p class=”m_4311584213661919716ox-c491c36dbd-MsoNormal”>“I don’t believe you,” says Dolly.</p>

    <p class=”m_4311584213661919716ox-c491c36dbd-MsoNormal”>“It’s true, no bull!” exclaims Daisy.</p>

    <p class=”m_4311584213661919716ox-c491c36dbd-MsoNormal”> </p>

    <p class=”m_4311584213661919716ox-c491c36dbd-MsoNormal”>An invisible man marries an invisible woman.</p>

    <p class=”m_4311584213661919716ox-c491c36dbd-MsoNormal”>The kids were nothing to  look at either.</p>

    <p class=”m_4311584213661919716ox-c491c36dbd-MsoNormal”> </p>

    <p class=”m_4311584213661919716ox-c491c36dbd-MsoNormal”>I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t  find any.</p>

    <p class=”m_4311584213661919716ox-c491c36dbd-MsoNormal”> </p>

    <p class=”m_4311584213661919716ox-c491c36dbd-MsoNormal”>A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.</p>

    <p class=”m_4311584213661919716ox-c491c36dbd-MsoNormal”>He shouted,”Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!”</p>

    <p class=”m_4311584213661919716ox-c491c36dbd-MsoNormal”>The doctor replied, “I know you can’t – I’ve cut off your arms!”</p>

    <p class=”m_4311584213661919716ox-c491c36dbd-MsoNormal”> </p>

    <p class=”m_4311584213661919716ox-c491c36dbd-MsoNormal”>I went to a seafood disco last week…and pulled a mussel.</p>

    <p class=”m_4311584213661919716ox-c491c36dbd-MsoNormal”> </p>

    <p class=”m_4311584213661919716ox-c491c36dbd-MsoNormal”>Two termites walk into a bar.</p>

    <p class=”m_4311584213661919716ox-c491c36dbd-MsoNormal”>One asks, “Is the bar tender here?”</p>

    <p class=”m_4311584213661919716ox-c491c36dbd-MsoNormal”> </p>

    <p class=”m_4311584213661919716ox-c491c36dbd-MsoNormal”>A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons.</p>

    <p class=”m_4311584213661919716ox-c491c36dbd-MsoNormal”>The stewardess  looks at him and says, “I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”</p>

    <p class=”m_4311584213661919716ox-c491c36dbd-MsoNormal”> </p>

    <p class=”m_4311584213661919716ox-c491c36dbd-MsoNormal”>Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.</p>

    <p class=”m_4311584213661919716ox-c491c36dbd-MsoNormal”>Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.</p>

    <p class=”m_4311584213661919716ox-c491c36dbd-MsoNormal”> </p>

    <p class=”m_4311584213661919716ox-c491c36dbd-MsoNormal”>Two hydrogen atoms meet.</p>

    <p class=”m_4311584213661919716ox-c491c36dbd-MsoNormal”>One says “I’ve lost my electron,”</p>

    <p class=”m_4311584213661919716ox-c491c36dbd-MsoNormal”>The other  says, “Are you sure?”</p>

    <p class=”m_4311584213661919716ox-c491c36dbd-MsoNormal”>The first replies “Yes, I’m positive.”</p>

    <p class=”m_4311584213661919716ox-c491c36dbd-MsoNormal”> </p>

    <p class=”m_4311584213661919716ox-c491c36dbd-MsoNormal”>Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?</p>

    <p class=”m_4311584213661919716ox-c491c36dbd-MsoNormal”>His goal: transcend dental medication.</p>

    <p class=”m_4311584213661919716ox-c491c36dbd-MsoNormal”> </p>

    <p class=”m_4311584213661919716ox-c491c36dbd-MsoNormal”>A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.</p>

    <p class=”m_4311584213661919716ox-c491c36dbd-MsoNormal”>After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.</p>

    <p class=”m_4311584213661919716ox-c491c36dbd-MsoNormal”>“But  why?” they asked, as they moved off.</p>

    <p class=”m_4311584213661919716ox-c491c36dbd-MsoNormal”>“Because”, he said, “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”</p>

    <p class=”m_4311584213661919716ox-c491c36dbd-MsoNormal”> </p>

    <p class=”m_4311584213661919716ox-c491c36dbd-MsoNormal”>A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.</p>

    <p class=”m_4311584213661919716ox-c491c36dbd-MsoNormal”>One of them goes to a  family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal.”</p>

    <p class=”m_4311584213661919716ox-c491c36dbd-MsoNormal”>The other goes to a family in Spain;  they name him “Juan.”</p>

    <p class=”m_4311584213661919716ox-c491c36dbd-MsoNormal”>Years later, Juan sends a picture of  himself to his  birth mother.</p>

    <p class=”m_4311584213661919716ox-c491c36dbd-MsoNormal”>Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.</p>

    <p class=”m_4311584213661919716ox-c491c36dbd-MsoNormal”>Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”</p>

    <p class=”m_4311584213661919716ox-c491c36dbd-MsoNormal”> </p>

    <p class=”m_4311584213661919716ox-c491c36dbd-MsoNormal”>Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.</p>

    <p class=”m_4311584213661919716ox-c491c36dbd-MsoNormal”>He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.</p>

    <p class=”m_4311584213661919716ox-c491c36dbd-MsoNormal”>This made him ….. A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.</p>

    <p class=”m_4311584213661919716ox-c491c36dbd-MsoNormal”> </p>

    <p class=”m_4311584213661919716ox-c491c36dbd-MsoNormal”>And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his  friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.</p>

    <p class=”m_4311584213661919716ox-c491c36dbd-MsoNormal”>No pun in ten did.</p>

    <p class=”m_4311584213661919716ox-c491c36dbd-MsoNormal”></p>

    <p class=”m_4311584213661919716ox-c491c36dbd-MsoNormal”></p>

    <p class=”m_4311584213661919716ox-c491c36dbd-MsoNormal”></p>

    <hr align=”center” noshade=”noshade” size=”2″ width=”100%” />

    <p class=”m_4311584213661919716ox-c491c36dbd-MsoNormal”></p>

    <p class=”m_4311584213661919716ox-c491c36dbd-MsoNormal”>–</p>

    <p class=”m_4311584213661919716default-style”></p>

    Attachments area

    Gabyone Auckland region

    #1717536
    gabyone
    Member
    Member since: November 13, 2008
    Topics: 1
    Replies: 2742
    gabyone

    Sorry would not let me edit out all the gobble gook.

     

    Gabyone Auckland region

    #1717605
    supergold
    Member
    Member since: May 9, 2009
    Topics: 65
    Replies: 8989
    supergold

    Nevermind Gabyone, with the puns highlighted it was easy to read them but jolly irritating for you all the same.

    Thank you. I really enjoyed them. 😆

    Supergold-Wainuiomata (Wellington)

    #1717606
    supergold
    Member
    Member since: May 9, 2009
    Topics: 65
    Replies: 8989
    supergold

    5633583104 o

    Supergold-Wainuiomata (Wellington)

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    #1717629
    lilith7
    Member
    Member since: April 9, 2017
    Topics: 0
    Replies: 2029
    lilith7

    Nurse in hospital :

    “Dr, about the patient, burned to third degree by the sun, what medicine should I give him ?”

    “Give him some sedative, some Biafine and also Viagra every two hours”

    “Why Viagra ?” ask the nurse

    “It’s to keep the sheets from his legs”

    **

    I was reading this book today, ‘The History Of Glue’, and I couldn’t put it down.

    I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, “Nearest the bull goes first” He went “Baah” and I went “Moo” He said “You’re closest”

    I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on and on .

    I visited the offices of the NSPCA today. It’s tiny, you couldn’t swing a cat in there!

    I said to this man, you invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I’m wrong.

    I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays or Thursdays.”

    I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet ‘Best Before End’

    So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said “Analogue ?” I said “No, just a watch.”

    So I went in to a pet shop. I said, “Can I buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?” I said, “I don’t care what star sign it is.”

    I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

    So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can’t remember his name, it’s P something T something R.

    My mate asked me “What do you think of voluntary work?” I said “I wouldn’t do it if you paid me.”

     

     

    #1717693
    supergold
    Member
    Member since: May 9, 2009
    Topics: 65
    Replies: 8989
    supergold

    Excerpts from a Dog’s Diary….

    8:00am – Dog food! My favourite thing!
    9:30am – A car ride! My favourite thing!
    9:40am – A walk in the park! My favourite thing!
    10:30am – Got rubbed and petted! My favourite thing!
    12:00pm – Lunch! My favourite thing!
    1.00pm – Played in the yard! My favourite thing!
    3:00pm – Wagged my tail! My favourite thing!
    5:00pm – Milk Bones! My favourite thing!
    7:00pm – Got to play ball! My favourite thing!
    8:00pm – Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favourite thing!
    11:00pm – Sleeping on the bed! My favourite thing!

    Excerpts from a Cat’s Daily Diary….

    Day 983 of my captivity….

    My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash of some sort of dry nuggets.

    Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

    The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

    Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet…. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a ‘good little hunter’ I am. Bastards.

    There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to ‘allergies’. I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

    Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow — but at the top of the stairs.

    I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released – and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now…………………………

    Supergold-Wainuiomata (Wellington)

    #1717793
    supergold
    Member
    Member since: May 9, 2009
    Topics: 65
    Replies: 8989
    supergold

    When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Heaven, God appeared and said, “I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter.”

    Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men. The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.

    God said to the long line, “You men should be ashamed of yourselves; I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him.”

    God turned to the one man, “How did you manage to be the only one in this line?”

    The man replied, “My wife told me to stand here.”

    Supergold-Wainuiomata (Wellington)

    #1718218
    lilith7
    Member
    Member since: April 9, 2017
    Topics: 0
    Replies: 2029
    lilith7

    Cat jokes so bad, they’re good..

    One of my neighbors owns several cats. On a recent visit, she introduced them to me: “That’s Astrophe, that’s Erpillar, that’s Aract, that’s Alogue.”
    “Where on earth did you get such unusual names?” I asked.
    “Oh, those are their last names,” she explained. “Their first names are Cat.”

     

    What do you call a cat in a station wagon?
    A car-pet.

     

    A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a cat sitting next to him.
    “Are you a cat?” asked the man, surprised.
    “Yes,” the cat replied.
    “What are you doing at the movies??” the man asked.
    “Well,” said the cat. “I liked the book.

     

    How is cat food sold?
    Usually purr can.

    What is cleverer than a talking cat?
    A spelling bee!

    Two dogs and a cat die and go to heaven.

    They are brought before God, who interviews them to determine their fate. He asks the first dog, “What did you do when you were alive on earth?”

    The first dog answers, “For 15 years I was a guide dog for a blind person. I was killed protecting them from being hit by a taxi.”

    “Very good,” says God. “You will sit at my left side.”

    God turns his attention to the second dog and asks, “What did you do when you were alive on earth?”

    The second dog responds, “I was a police dog for 12 years. I was shot and killed trying to subdue an armed bank robber.”

    God smiles and nods. “Very good. You will sit at my right side.”

    God now looks at the cat and begins to ask, “What did you –”

    The cat interrupts, “You’re in my chair.”

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