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Daily Haha Thread – add yours

This topic contains 12414 replies, has 232 voices, and was last updated by Profile photo of lilith7 lilith7 4 days, 21 hours ago.

Discussions Jokes Daily Haha Thread – add yours

Viewing 10 posts - 12,391 through 12,400 (of 12,415 total)
  • #1712219
    Profile photo of lilith7lilith7
    Member
    Member since: April 9, 2017
    Topics: 2
    Replies: 1921
    lilith7

    Sign on door: Closed due to short staff.
    Post it underneath:
    Hire taller staff,’cos I need a taco!.

     

    I enjoy eating my cat & leaving out commas.

     

    1) Avoid alliteration always.
    2) Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
    3) The passive voice is to be avoided
    4) Avoid clichés like the plague, they’re old hat.
    5) It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
    6) Writers should never generalize.
    7) Seven. Be consistent
    8) Don’t use more words than necessary. Its highly superfluous.
    9) Be more or less specific.
    10) Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement

     

    The importance of grammar

    Let’s eat kids.
    Let’s eat, kids.
    (Use a comma. Save lives.)

    I like cooking
    My family
    And my pets.
    (Use commas, don’t be a psycho.)

     

    Attention.
    Toilet ONLY for
    Disabled
    Elderly
    Pregnant
    Children

     

    Sign on door:”this door is alarmed.”

    Post it notes on door:

    1) The window is startled!

    2) And the floor is somewhat taken aback!

    #1712343
    Profile photo of supergoldsupergold
    Member
    Member since: May 9, 2009
    Topics: 67
    Replies: 8727
    supergold

    1780812800 n

    Supergold-Wainuiomata (Wellington)

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    #1712407
    Profile photo of supergoldsupergold
    Member
    Member since: May 9, 2009
    Topics: 67
    Replies: 8727
    supergold

    WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:
    Men Are Just Happier People — What do you expect from such simple creatures?

    Your last name stays put.
    The garage is all yours.
    Wedding plans take care of themselves.
    Chocolate is just another snack…
    You can never be pregnant.

    You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
    You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
    Car mechanics tell you the truth.
    The world is your urinal.
    You never have to drive to another petrol station loo because this one is just too icky.
    You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

    Same work, more pay.
    Wrinkles add character.
    Wedding dress £5000. Top hat & tails rental-£100.
    People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them.
    New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
    One mood all the time.
    Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

    You know stuff about Star Trek.
    A five-day holiday requires only one small bag.
    You can open all your own jars.
    If someone forgets to invite you,
    He or she can still be your friend.
    Your underwear is £4.99 for a three-pack.

    Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
    Everything on your face stays its original color.
    The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades.
    You only have to shave your face and neck.
    You can play with toys all your life.
    One wallet and one pair of shoes — one color for all seasons.

    You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look !
    You can ‘do’ your nails with a pocket knife..
    You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
    You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives
    On December 24 in 25 minutes.

    Supergold-Wainuiomata (Wellington)

    #1712479
    Profile photo of supergoldsupergold
    Member
    Member since: May 9, 2009
    Topics: 67
    Replies: 8727
    supergold

    A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.

    He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:

    ‘Dear Lord:
    I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home.
    I want her to know what I go through.
    So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day.’

    God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man’s wish.

    The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman…
    He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids,
    set out their school clothes,
    Fed them breakfast,
    Packed their lunches,
    Drove them to school,
    Came home and picked up the dry cleaning,
    Took it to the cleaners!
    And stopped at the bank to make a deposit.

    Went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries.

    Paid the bills and balanced the check book.
    He cleaned the cat’s litter box and bathed the dog.

    Then, it was already 1 P.M
    And he hurried to make the beds,
    Do the laundry, vacuum,
    Dust, And sweep and mop the kitchen floor.

    Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument
    with them on the way home.
    Set out milk and cookies and
    got the kids organized to do their homework.

    Then, set up the ironing board and watched TV while he
    did the ironing.
    At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad,
    breaded the pork chops
    and snapped fresh beans for supper.

    After supper,
    He cleaned the kitchen,
    Ran the dishwasher,
    Folded laundry,
    Bathed the kids, And put them to bed.

    At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren’t finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed
    to get through without complaint.

    The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said:

    Lord, I don’t know what
    I was thinking.
    I was so wrong to envy my
    wife’s being able to stay
    home all day.

    Please! Oh, Please!

    Let us trade back.. Amen!’

    The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:
    ‘My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change
    things back to the way they were.
    You’ll just have to wait nine months, though.
    You got pregnant last night.’

    This has been voted
    Women’s Favorite
    E-mail of the Year!  😆   😆  😆

    Supergold-Wainuiomata (Wellington)

    #1712570
    Profile photo of supergoldsupergold
    Member
    Member since: May 9, 2009
    Topics: 67
    Replies: 8727
    supergold

    THE AUSTRALIAN TAX OFFICE ACTUALLY COMMENTED ON THIS ONE.

    THE IMPORTANCE OF ACCURACY IN YOUR TAX RETURN.

    The ATO has returned the Tax Return to a man in Townsville after he apparently answered one of the questions.

    In response to the question, “Do you have anyone dependent on you?”

    The man wrote: “2.1 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crackheads, 4.4 million unemployable scroungers, 80,000 criminals in over 85 prisons plus 450 idiots in Parliament, thousands of ‘retired politicians’ and an entire group that call themselves ‘Senators’

    The ATO stated that the response he gave was “unacceptable”.

    The man’s response back to ATO was,”Who did I leave out?”

    Supergold-Wainuiomata (Wellington)

    #1712571
    Profile photo of supergoldsupergold
    Member
    Member since: May 9, 2009
    Topics: 67
    Replies: 8727
    supergold

    THE AUSTRALIAN TAX OFFICE ACTUALLY COMMENTED ON THIS ONE.

    THE IMPORTANCE OF ACCURACY IN YOUR TAX RETURN.

    The ATO has returned the Tax Return to a man in Townsville after he apparently answered one of the questions.

    In response to the question, “Do you have anyone dependent on you?”

    The man wrote: “2.1 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crackheads, 4.4 million unemployable scroungers, 80,000 criminals in over 85 prisons plus 450 idiots in Parliament, thousands of ‘retired politicians’ and an entire group that call themselves ‘Senators’

    The ATO stated that the response he gave was “unacceptable”.

    The man’s response back to ATO was, “Who did I leave out?”

    Supergold-Wainuiomata (Wellington)

    #1712739
    Profile photo of supergoldsupergold
    Member
    Member since: May 9, 2009
    Topics: 67
    Replies: 8727
    supergold

    Blowed if I know how the last one about the Australian Tax Office managed to double up.

    There must be a mischevious elf in the system somewhere.  😆   😆

    Supergold-Wainuiomata (Wellington)

    #1712740
    Profile photo of supergoldsupergold
    Member
    Member since: May 9, 2009
    Topics: 67
    Replies: 8727
    supergold

    45118976 o

    Supergold-Wainuiomata (Wellington)

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    #1712861
    Profile photo of lilith7lilith7
    Member
    Member since: April 9, 2017
    Topics: 2
    Replies: 1921
    lilith7

    Two violinists make a pact that whoever dies first, he will contact the other and tell him what life in Heaven is like. Poor Max has a heart attack and dies. He manages to make contact with Abe the next day.
    Abe – I can’t believe this worked! So what is it like in Heaven?
    Max – Well, it’s great, but I’ve got good news, and I’ve got bad news… The good news is that there’s a fantastic orchestra up here, and in fact, we’re playing “Sheherezade,” your favorite piece, tomorrow night!
    Abe – So what’s the bad news?
    Max – Well, you’re booked to play the solo!

     

    “Haven’t I seen your face before?” a judge demanded, looking down at the defendant.
    “You have, Your Honor,” the man answered hopefully. “I gave your son violin lessons last winter.”
    “Ah, yes,” recalled the judge. “Twenty years!”

     

     

    Q – What do you call a person who plays the viola?
    A – A violator.

     

    WORLD’S GREAT UNSUNG OPERA’S*
    We are indebted to a London paper for its excellent newspaper heading-type summaries of various operas –

    • Roll-your-own fags girl in stadium stabbing (Carmen)
    • Surprise winner of the Eurovision song contest (Die Meistersinger)
    • Oriental child bride in tug-of-love suicide (Madame Butterfly)
    • Trainee shortage threatens East Coast fishing industry (Peter Grimes)
    • Former callgirl dies in love nest (La Traviata)
    • Police slayer in prison roof death plunge (Tosca)
    • Cadet officer in country house bedroom sex change frolic (Marriage of Figaro)
    • Good Neighbour policy fails to save Paris TB victim (La Boheme)
    • Three die in mixed marriage handkerchief muddle (Otello)
    • Incest offspring to marry aunt (Siegfried)

    #1712915
    Profile photo of supergoldsupergold
    Member
    Member since: May 9, 2009
    Topics: 67
    Replies: 8727
    supergold

    Elderly Banking… PRICELESS!!

    Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman.

    The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.
    ————————————————————————–

    Dear Sir:

    I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.

    By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it..

    I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.

    You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

    My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, — when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

    From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

    My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

    Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

    Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete.

    I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

    Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

    In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.

    I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

    As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

    Let me level the playing field even further.

    When you call me, press buttons as follows:

    IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH

    #1. To make an appointment to see me

    #2. To query a missing payment.

    #3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

    #4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

    #5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

    #6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

    #7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required.

    Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.

    #8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7 again

    #9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.

    The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

    #10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.

    While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

    Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

    May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

    Your Humble Client

    And remember:
    Don’t make old people mad. We don’t like being old in the first place, so it doesn’t take much to piss us off.

    (I wonder if the fee was refunded?)

    Supergold-Wainuiomata (Wellington)

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