- #1708961lilith7 January 29, 2019 at 11:20 am
For those unfortunate enough to have somehow missed it – Bob Hudson, The Newcastle song. Young Norman, who came top of his class in English…#1709709lilith7 February 1, 2019 at 1:38 pm
How come you can’t find lawyers sunbathing on the beach?
Cats keep covering them over with sand.
Where would you learn how to make ice cream?
At Sundae school.
A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
“You know what?” says the 7 year old, “I think it’s about time we started swearing.”
The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 7 year old says “When we go downstairs for breakfast I’m going to swear first, then you swear after me, OK?”
“Ok” the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast.
“Oh, sh*t Mum, I s’pose I’ll have some Coco Pops”
WHACK!! – He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out. She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice,:-
“And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?”
I don’t know, Mum” he blubbers,”but it won’t be fu**ing Coco Pops.”
Two eggs in a frying pan.
first one says “It’s hot in here”
other one says “Holy crap, a talking egg!!”
What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
The world’s foremost authority on wasps is walking down the street when he sees an LP record in the window of a charity shop ‘Wasp noises from around the world’. Intrigued, he goes into the shop and asks if he can listen to it.
“Certainly,” says the shop assistant and pops it onto his turntable. After listening to the first track for a while, the world’s foremost authority on wasps is a bit confused.
“I don’t recognise any of these noises, and I’m the world’s foremost authority on wasps! Can you play the next track please?”
The assistant obliges and skips the needle onto the next track. After a while, the world’s foremost authority on wasps is still confused.
“No, I still don’t recognise any of these wasps. Can you try the next track?”
The assistant skips the needle on, and the world’s foremost authority on wasps listens for a little while longer before shaking his head.
“It’s no good. I just don’t recognise any of these wasps”
The assistant peers at the label of the record and says “Oh, I’m terribly sorry. I had it on the bee side”#1710640supergold February 8, 2019 at 5:00 pm
Attachments:You must be logged in to view attached files.#1710653lilith7 February 8, 2019 at 7:04 pm#1710960supergold February 11, 2019 at 8:26 am
Attachments:You must be logged in to view attached files.#1710976lilith7 February 11, 2019 at 10:59 am
Two businessmen in the centre of Weybridge, Surrey
were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new shop…
As yet, the shop wasn’t ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, “I bet any minute now some old pensioner is going to walk by, put their face to the window, and ask what we’re selling.”
“You know these senior citizens are nosy parkers”
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old woman walked to the window,
had a peek, and in a soft voice asked,
“What are you selling here?”
One of the men replied sarcastically,
“We’re selling arse-holes.”
Without skipping a beat, the old dear said,
“Doing well,then… Only two left.”
Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me yet again, asking why I didn’t do something useful with my time.
“Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing?” I asked.
Her talking about my “doing-something-useful” seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.
She was “only thinking of me”, she said and suggested that I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the gals.
I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to play a prank on her.
I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club.
She replied, “Are you nuts? You are 78 years old and now you’re going to start jumping out of airplanes?”
I told her that I even got a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.
She immediately telephoned me and yelled, “Good grief, Mom, where are your glasses?!
This is a Membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club.”
“Oh man, I’m in trouble again,” I said, “I really don’t know what to do. I signed up for five jumps a week!!”
The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that my daughter had fainted.
Life as a Senior Citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be ever so much fun.#1711084supergold February 12, 2019 at 9:10 am
Q Who’s the patron saint of e-mail?
A: St. Francis of a CC.
I just got a GPS for my car, and my first trip with it was to a drugstore. Since the manual said not to leave it in the car unattended, I brought it with me into the store. While there, the GPS came alive, and a voice stated, “Lost satellite contact.”
I wasn’t embarrassed until a woman turned to me and said, “Your ankle bracelet monitor is talking to you.”
After we got broadband Internet, my husband decided to start paying bills online. This worked great; in fact all our bill companies accepted online payments except one—our Internet service provider.
Learning to use a voice-recognition computer program, I was excited about the prospect of finally being able to write more accurately than I type. First I read out loud to the computer for about an hour to train it to my voice, then I opened a clean page and dictated a nursery rhyme to see the magic.
The computer recorded: “Murry fed a little clam, its fleas was bright and slow.”
Our newer, high-speed computer was in the shop for repair, and my son was forced to work on our old model with the black-and-white printer.
“Mom,” he complained to me one day, “this is like we’re living back in the twentieth century.”
My husband and I are both in an Internet business, but he’s the one who truly lives, eats and breathes computers. I finally realized how bad it had gotten when I was scratching his back one day. “No, not there,” he directed. “Scroll down.”
A solar-powered computer wristwatch, which is programmed to tell the time and date for 125 years, has a guarantee—for two years.
Supergold-Wainuiomata (Wellington)#1711106lilith7 February 12, 2019 at 11:34 am
>What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
Same middle name.
What’s a pirates favorite letter?
You think it’s R but it be the C.
I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday.
Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.
My roommate told me my clothes look gay.
I was like, don’t be a dick dude; they just came out of the closet.
FRED: Did I ever tell you about the time I came face to face with a very fierce gorilla?
BERT: No, what happened?
FRED: Well, I stood there, without a gun . . . The gorilla looked at me and snarled and roared and beat his chest. Then it came closer and closer . . .
BERT: What did you do?
FRED: Oh, I’d had enough, so I moved on to the next cage.
#1711204totaraMemberMember since: November 29, 2007
- This reply was modified 6 months ago by lilith7. Reason: the usual obligatory gobbledegook
Replies: 544totara February 13, 2019 at 10:22 am
Screams of passion An Italian, a Frenchman and an Aussie were talking about screams of passion.
The Italian said:
“Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest extra virgin Olive oil.
Then we made passionate love and I made her scream, non-stop for five minutes.”
The Frenchman said:
“Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special Aphrodisiac oil from Provence and then we made passionate love. I made her scream for fifteen minutes straight.”
The Aussie said:
That’s nothing! Last night I massaged my wife, all over her body with a special butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter and then made love and I made her scream for two long hours.”
The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, “Two full hours? ……Wow! That’s phenomenal. How did you do it, to make her scream for two hours?”
The Aussie replied, “I wiped my hands on the curtains.”#1711669supergold February 16, 2019 at 12:02 pm
The Aisle, the Altar, the Hymn
Through the ages, men have been trying to unlock this mystery:
Why do their wives, who accept them just as they are before they get
married, begin the quest to change their behaviour and life-style once
their vows are exchanged?
Finally, the riddle is solved.
A social-scientist has arrived at this simple and logical explanation.
When the bride, accompanied by her father, starts to walk slowly down
the long aisle, she sees the altar at the end and hears the choir
singing a hymn. Walking down the aisle, the conditioning process starts
where the brain absorbs these three stimuli:
Aisle, altar, and hymn.
She becomes mesmerized as she continually reinforces these
Aisle, altar, hymn……Aisle, altar, hymn……Aisle, altar, hymn.
And finally, as she stops beside the groom, the conditioning process is
complete. She looks up at him smiling sweetly and keeps saying to herself:
‘I’ll alter him!’
HERE ENDETH THE LESSON
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