- #1705726supergoldMemberMember since: May 9, 2009
Replies: 8725supergold December 22, 2018 at 8:48 am
Attachments:You must be logged in to view attached files.#1705740totara December 22, 2018 at 12:57 pm
Ho Ho Ho!
Q. What kind of cough medicine does Dracula take?
A. Coffin Medicine
Q Why did the golfer wear two pairs of trousers?
A. In case he got a hole in one.
Q. What’s furry and minty?
A. A Polo Bear
Q. How does Jack Frost get to work?
A. By Icicles
Q. Why did no one bid for Rudolf and Blitzen on Trade Me?
A. Because they were two deer!#1705790supergoldMemberMember since: May 9, 2009
Replies: 8725supergold December 23, 2018 at 8:15 am
‘Twas the Night before Xmas and all through the bach
Not even a weta was making a scratch
Woolly socks were hung by the pot belly with care
In the hopes that Santa soon would be there
The children were snoozing in a light summer’s breeze
Whilst dreaming of spongy pud and lime green cream freeze
And dad in his walk shorts and me in my Jandals
Had just settled down for a couple of handles
When out on the lawn I heard such a ruckus
I sprang from my Lazy Boy to see what the fuss was
I ran to the sliding door, gasping and wheezing
Threw open the curtains and upped the venetians
The moon on the sand and the Trailer tarp
Lit the beach up just like Eden Park
But still when I saw, I thought I was asleep
A miniature Kingswood, pulled by eight tiny sheep
With a little old driver, sipping a Fanta
I knew in a moment, it had to be Santa
Faster than Phar Lap on steroids they came
And he coo-eed and shouted and called them by name
Now, Kevin! Now, Sharlene! Now, Rangi and Beck!
On, Darryl! On Shazza! On, Bilbo and Shrek!
To the top of the Pagoda, to the top of the wall
Get in behind, Get in behind, Get in behind, all!
As sandflies around a bar-b-que fly
When they sniff the sizzlers and take to the sky
So up to the top of the bach they flew
With a boot full of toys and Santa Claus too
With a handbrake stop, they arrived on the roof
Four Goodyear tyres and 32 hoofs
And as I quickly turned and ran to the lounge
Out from the chimney Santa came with a bound
He was wearing boardshorts, and gumboots on foot
And his Mambos were covered in six-month-old soot
A bundle of toys he had on his back
As if on OE with a brand new Macpac
He looked like he’d come from the beauty parlour
With rosy red cheeks like pohutukawa
A gorgeous big grin and white as white hair
With wee little tufts growing out of his ears
He had a broad chest and a round beer gut
That shook when he laughed like Jabba the Hutt
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly hobbit
And I laughed when I saw him, I couldn’t stop it
He gave me a wink and a bonza thumbs up
And I quickly realised he wasn’t a nut
He went straight to the socks without saying a thing
And filled them with barbies and Shrek 2 keyrings
Then giving his nose a jolly good scratch
He flew up the chimney with an almighty flash
He jumped in the Kingswood and cranked the ignition
And then they took off, like some Nasa mission
But I think I could hear, as he drove out of sight
“Merry Christmas to all, have a bloody good night!”
Attachments:You must be logged in to view attached files.#1705801lilith7 December 23, 2018 at 10:48 am
A Woman’s Poem
He didn’t like the casserole
And he didn’t like my cake,
He said my biscuits were too hard
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn’t perk the coffee right
He didn’t like the stew,
I didn’t mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned and smacked the s….t out of him…
Like his mother used to do.
Next Time Around by Bub Bridger.
My elderly body has fallen from grace
It has fallen about all over the place
There are bits of it here that ought to be there
And a hell of a lot that ought not to be anywhere.
My hair has turned white–my face is now puggish
My dentures cant bite and my sex drive is sluggish….
Time was when all men were keener than mustard
But alas now its years since anyone lusted
To get me alone in a fine feathered bed
And rock me and lock me and beg me to wed
And indeed if they did, I could not perform
My actions at best would only be lukewarm….
Now I watch all young men with eyes that are sad
Recalling the days when I drove them mad
And knowing that now I am over the hill
And with even a way,I’d not have the will….
I’ve taken to knitting,and gossip,and gin!
There’s nothing else for it— I’ve had to give in
The curse of old age has deadened my senses
And all that was young is now in past tenses.
If there is truth in reincarnation
You bet I’ll be back! Come hell or damnation
I won’t make the mistakes I made in the past
I’ll lead the good life and I’ll live it fast!
I’ll let passion sway me to swoon and give in
To beautiful men intent upon sin
I’ll quaff all the wine and I’ll pluck all the fruit
And morals and virtue can go down the chute!
I had them in this life—- I made them my goal!
And where did that get me? Down a bloody great hole!
SO BRING ON THE NEXT LIFE!
I,M READY TO R-O-O-O-L-L-L-L-L!#1705925lilith7 December 26, 2018 at 11:58 am
A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.
My new year’s resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.
New Years Eve is the only acceptable time to wear body glitter without being mistaken for a stripper.
My New Year’s resolution is to help all my friends gain ten pounds so I look skinnier.
I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new year, but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter
What happened to the man who shoplifted a calendar on New Year’s Eve? He got 12 months!
How you elect to spend New Year’s Eve will depend on your:
2. remaining levels of optimism
3. threshold of pain
– Joseph Connolly
Every New Year’s I have the same question: “How did I get home?”
– Melanie White
An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.
– Bill Vaughan
On New Years, just remember: if your cup runneth over, you’ve probably reached your limit.
– Melanie White
Heartwarming Miami tradition: Asking people not to shoot guns into the air on New Year’s Eve.
– Dave Barry
New Year’s Eve, when auld acquaintances be forgot. Unless, of course, those tests come back positive.
– Jay Leno
This New Years I’m going to make a resolution I can keep: no dieting all year long.
– Melanie White
I’m not impressed with the organizers of the New Year’s Eve celebration at Times Square. They always drop the ball.
How do you know you’ve found the New Year’s Eve party?
Look for the Auld Lang Sign!
Did you hear about the guy who started fixing breakfast at midnight on December 31?
He wanted to make a New Year’s toast!#1705948totara December 26, 2018 at 10:00 pm
It rained very heavily up here on Xmas eve.
The wife woke me up saying she heard a possum on the roof.
I said, Go back to sleep. It’s only the rain dear.#1706307totara December 31, 2018 at 9:51 pm
It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but here is one:
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.
A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech asks the birch, ‘Is
that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?’
The birch says that he cannot tell.
Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
The birch asks, ‘Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if
that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?’
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, ‘It is
neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the
best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into!’
Now wipe that smile off your face. And pass it on…#1706649lilith7 January 4, 2019 at 7:20 pm
I hate Russian dolls. They’re so full of themselves.
The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is now.
“A lightning expert said the chances of it hitting do many cows was rare to medium rare.”
“I do not want to see Trump go to prison. Mostly because if you put Trump in a prison jumpsuit, it’ll just look like he’s naked.
And why should we be punished for his crimes?”
What’s the worst thing about being bitten by a poisonous spider?
You’re probably Australian
How do you know you’re in a lift with an aussie champion? Don’t worry, he’ll tell you.
A German shepherd, a Doberman & a cat all die & stand before god.
God asks what they believe in.
The German shepherd replies “I believe in discipline, training & loyalty to my master.”
“Good” says god “then sit on my right hand side.”
“Doberman,what do you believe in?”
The Doberman replies “I believe in the love,care & protection of my master.”
“Ah” said god “you may sit on my left side.”
Then he looks at the cat & asks “What do you believe in?”
The cat looks at him & says “I believe you’re sitting in my seat.”#1706769AnonymousMember since:
Replies: 415Anonymous January 6, 2019 at 8:18 am
Totara, sometimes I think I may know you, by the jokes sent to me from NZ guys hahahaha, all good#1707602lilith7 January 13, 2019 at 2:05 pm
One morning while holidaying at the lake a husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap, leaving his fishing gear in the boat. Although not familiar with the lake the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and starts to read her book knowing she will not be disturbed.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat and pulls up alongside her saying, “Good afternoon, Ma’am. What are you doing?”
“Reading a book.” she replies (thinking “Isn’t it obvious?”)
“You are in a Restricted Fishing Area.” he informs her.
“I am sorry, officer, but I am not fishing. I am reading.” she replies.
To which he replies almost by rote, “Yes, you may be but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I will have to take you in and write a report on this.”
“For reading a book?” she replies in total disbelief.
“You are in a Restricted Fishing Area.” he repeated.
“Yes, I may be but I am reading a book . Is that not obvious?” she tried to suppress her shock.
“Yes, but you have all the equipment and for all I know you could start at any moment. I will have to take you in and write a report on this.” he repeated.
“Oh, okay, fine. If you do that then, using your line of reasoning, I will have to charge you with sexual assault,” says the woman.
“But, but I have not even touched you.” he was clearly taken aback.
For a moment she just looked at him them smiled, “That is true at the moment but you have all the equipment and for all I know you could start at any moment.”
The man looked at her for a moment & then said, “Have a nice day enjoying your book, ma’am,” and he left
MORAL – NEVER argue with a woman who reads: she also thinks.
I met a cowboy: ,his hat, shirt & shoes were made of brown paper.
He said he was wanted for rustling.
A neighbour put his canary in the mincer & invented shredded tweets.
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