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Daily Haha Thread – add yours

This topic contains 12463 replies, has 233 voices, and was last updated by Profile photo of supergold supergold 3 days, 17 hours ago.

Discussions Jokes Daily Haha Thread – add yours

Viewing 10 posts - 12,351 through 12,360 (of 12,464 total)
  • #1705726
    Profile photo of supergoldsupergold
    Member
    Member since: May 9, 2009
    Topics: 68
    Replies: 8921
    supergold

    66387146964 n

    9277283449 n

    Supergold-Wainuiomata (Wellington)

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    #1705740
    Profile photo of totaratotara
    Member
    Member since: November 29, 2007
    Topics: 11
    Replies: 541
    totara

    Ho Ho Ho!

    Q. What kind of cough medicine does Dracula take?
    A. Coffin Medicine

    Q Why did the golfer wear two pairs of trousers?
    A. In case he got a hole in one.

    Q. What’s furry and minty?
    A. A Polo Bear

    Q. How does Jack Frost get to work?
    A. By Icicles

    Q. Why did no one bid for Rudolf and Blitzen on Trade Me?
    A. Because they were two deer!

    #1705790
    Profile photo of supergoldsupergold
    Member
    Member since: May 9, 2009
    Topics: 68
    Replies: 8921
    supergold

    Kiwi Xmas

    ‘Twas the Night before Xmas and all through the bach
    Not even a weta was making a scratch
    Woolly socks were hung by the pot belly with care
    In the hopes that Santa soon would be there

    The children were snoozing in a light summer’s breeze
    Whilst dreaming of spongy pud and lime green cream freeze
    And dad in his walk shorts and me in my Jandals
    Had just settled down for a couple of handles

    When out on the lawn I heard such a ruckus
    I sprang from my Lazy Boy to see what the fuss was
    I ran to the sliding door, gasping and wheezing
    Threw open the curtains and upped the venetians

    The moon on the sand and the Trailer tarp
    Lit the beach up just like Eden Park
    But still when I saw, I thought I was asleep
    A miniature Kingswood, pulled by eight tiny sheep

    With a little old driver, sipping a Fanta
    I knew in a moment, it had to be Santa
    Faster than Phar Lap on steroids they came
    And he coo-eed and shouted and called them by name

    Now, Kevin! Now, Sharlene! Now, Rangi and Beck!
    On, Darryl! On Shazza! On, Bilbo and Shrek!
    To the top of the Pagoda, to the top of the wall
    Get in behind, Get in behind, Get in behind, all!

    As sandflies around a bar-b-que fly
    When they sniff the sizzlers and take to the sky
    So up to the top of the bach they flew
    With a boot full of toys and Santa Claus too

    With a handbrake stop, they arrived on the roof
    Four Goodyear tyres and 32 hoofs
    And as I quickly turned and ran to the lounge
    Out from the chimney Santa came with a bound

    He was wearing boardshorts, and gumboots on foot
    And his Mambos were covered in six-month-old soot
    A bundle of toys he had on his back
    As if on OE with a brand new Macpac

    He looked like he’d come from the beauty parlour
    With rosy red cheeks like pohutukawa
    A gorgeous big grin and white as white hair
    With wee little tufts growing out of his ears
    He had a broad chest and a round beer gut

    That shook when he laughed like Jabba the Hutt
    He was chubby and plump, a right jolly hobbit
    And I laughed when I saw him, I couldn’t stop it
    He gave me a wink and a bonza thumbs up

    And I quickly realised he wasn’t a nut
    He went straight to the socks without saying a thing
    And filled them with barbies and Shrek 2 keyrings
    Then giving his nose a jolly good scratch
    He flew up the chimney with an almighty flash

    He jumped in the Kingswood and cranked the ignition
    And then they took off, like some Nasa mission
    But I think I could hear, as he drove out of sight
    “Merry Christmas to all, have a bloody good night!”

    37156665 n

    Supergold-Wainuiomata (Wellington)

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    #1705801
    Profile photo of lilith7lilith7
    Member
    Member since: April 9, 2017
    Topics: 2
    Replies: 2029
    lilith7

    A  Woman’s  Poem

    He didn’t like the casserole
    And he didn’t like my cake,
    He said my biscuits were too hard
    Not like his mother used to make.
    I didn’t perk the coffee right
    He didn’t like the stew,
    I didn’t mend his socks
    The way his mother used to do.

    I pondered for an answer
    I was looking for a clue.
    Then I turned and smacked the s….t out of him…
    Like his mother used to do.

     

    **

    Next Time Around by Bub Bridger.

    My elderly body has fallen from grace
    It has fallen about all over the place
    There are bits of it here that ought to be there
    And a hell of a lot that ought not to be anywhere.
    My hair has turned white–my face is now puggish
    My dentures cant bite and my sex drive is sluggish….
    Time was when all men were keener than mustard
    But alas now its years since anyone lusted
    To get me alone in a fine feathered bed
    And rock me and lock me and beg me to wed
    And indeed if they did, I could not perform
    My actions at best would only be lukewarm….

    Now I watch all young men with eyes that are sad
    Recalling the days when I drove them mad
    And knowing that now I am over the hill
    And with even a way,I’d not have the will….
    I’ve taken to knitting,and gossip,and gin!
    There’s nothing else for it— I’ve had to give in
    The curse of old age has deadened my senses
    And all that was young is now in past tenses.

    BUT
    If there is truth in reincarnation
    You bet I’ll be back! Come hell or damnation
    I won’t make the mistakes I made in the past
    I’ll lead the good life and I’ll live it fast!
    I’ll let passion sway me to swoon and give in
    To beautiful men intent upon sin
    I’ll quaff all the wine and I’ll pluck all the fruit
    And morals and virtue can go down the chute!
    I had them in this life—- I made them my goal!
    And where did that get me? Down a bloody great hole!

    SO BRING ON THE NEXT LIFE!
    I,M READY TO R-O-O-O-L-L-L-L-L!

    #1705925
    Profile photo of lilith7lilith7
    Member
    Member since: April 9, 2017
    Topics: 2
    Replies: 2029
    lilith7

    A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.

    My new year’s resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.

    New Years Eve is the only acceptable time to wear body glitter without being mistaken for a stripper.

    My New Year’s resolution is to help all my friends gain ten pounds so I look skinnier.

     

    I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new year, but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter

     

    What happened to the man who shoplifted a calendar on New Year’s Eve? He got 12 months!

     

    How you elect to spend New Year’s Eve will depend on your:
    1. age
    2. remaining levels of optimism
    3. threshold of pain
    – Joseph Connolly

    Every New Year’s I have the same question: “How did I get home?”
    – Melanie White

    An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.
    – Bill Vaughan

    On New Years, just remember: if your cup runneth over, you’ve probably reached your limit.
    – Melanie White

     

     

    Heartwarming Miami tradition: Asking people not to shoot guns into the air on New Year’s Eve.
    – Dave Barry

    New Year’s Eve, when auld acquaintances be forgot. Unless, of course, those tests come back positive.
    – Jay Leno

    This New Years I’m going to make a resolution I can keep: no dieting all year long.
    – Melanie White

    I’m not impressed with the organizers of the New Year’s Eve celebration at Times Square. They always drop the ball.

     

    How do you know you’ve found the New Year’s Eve party?
    Look for the Auld Lang Sign!

     

    Did you hear about the guy who started fixing breakfast at midnight on December 31?
    He wanted to make a New Year’s toast!

     

    #1705948
    Profile photo of totaratotara
    Member
    Member since: November 29, 2007
    Topics: 11
    Replies: 541
    totara

    It rained very heavily up here on Xmas eve.
    The wife woke me up saying she heard a possum on the roof.
    I said, Go back to sleep. It’s only the rain dear.

    #1706307
    Profile photo of totaratotara
    Member
    Member since: November 29, 2007
    Topics: 11
    Replies: 541
    totara

    It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but here is one:

    Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.

    A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech asks the birch, ‘Is
    that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?’

    The birch says that he cannot tell.

    Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

    The birch asks, ‘Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if
    that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?’

    The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, ‘It is
    neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the
    best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into!’

    Now wipe that smile off your face. And pass it on…

    #1706649
    Profile photo of lilith7lilith7
    Member
    Member since: April 9, 2017
    Topics: 2
    Replies: 2029
    lilith7

    I hate Russian dolls. They’re so full of themselves.

    The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is now.
    Chinese proverb

    “A lightning expert said the chances of it hitting do many cows was rare to medium rare.”
    Dai Henwood

    “I do not want to see Trump go to prison. Mostly because if you put Trump in a prison jumpsuit, it’ll just look like he’s naked.
    And why should we be punished for his crimes?”

    Trevor Noah

     

     

    What’s the worst thing about being bitten by a poisonous spider?
    You’re probably Australian

    How do you know you’re in a lift with an aussie champion? Don’t worry, he’ll tell you.

     

     

    A German shepherd, a Doberman & a cat all die & stand before god.
    God asks what they believe in.
    The German shepherd replies “I believe in discipline, training & loyalty to my master.”
    “Good” says god “then sit on my right hand side.”

    “Doberman,what do you believe in?”

    The Doberman replies “I believe in the love,care & protection of my master.”

    “Ah” said god “you may sit on my left side.”
    Then he looks at the cat & asks “What do you believe in?”

    The cat looks at him & says “I believe you’re sitting in my seat.”

    #1706769
    Profile photo of Anonymous
    Member since:
    Topics: 0
    Replies: 415
    Anonymous

    Totara, sometimes I think I may know you, by the jokes sent to me from NZ guys hahahaha, all good

    #1707602
    Profile photo of lilith7lilith7
    Member
    Member since: April 9, 2017
    Topics: 2
    Replies: 2029
    lilith7

    One morning while holidaying at the lake a husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap, leaving his fishing gear in the boat. Although not familiar with the lake the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and starts to read her book knowing she will not be disturbed.

    Along comes a Game Warden in his boat and pulls up alongside her saying, “Good afternoon, Ma’am. What are you doing?”
    “Reading a book.” she replies (thinking “Isn’t it obvious?”)
    “You are in a Restricted Fishing Area.” he informs her.

    “I am sorry, officer, but I am not fishing. I am reading.” she replies.
    To which he replies almost by rote, “Yes, you may be but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I will have to take you in and write a report on this.”

    “For reading a book?” she replies in total disbelief.
    “You are in a Restricted Fishing Area.” he repeated.
    “Yes, I may be but I am reading a book . Is that not obvious?” she tried to suppress her shock.
    “Yes, but you have all the equipment and for all I know you could start at any moment. I will have to take you in and write a report on this.” he repeated.

    “Oh, okay, fine. If you do that then, using your line of reasoning, I will have to charge you with sexual assault,” says the woman.
    “But, but I have not even touched you.” he was clearly taken aback.

    For a moment she just looked at him them smiled, “That is true at the moment but you have all the equipment and for all I know you could start at any moment.”

    The man looked at her for a moment & then said, “Have a nice day enjoying your book, ma’am,” and he left

    MORAL – NEVER argue with a woman who reads: she also thinks.

     

    **

    I met a cowboy: ,his hat, shirt & shoes were made of brown paper.
    He said he was wanted for rustling.

    A neighbour put his canary in the mincer & invented shredded tweets.

     

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