- #1704648BryanMemberMember since: October 28, 2006
Replies: 12353Bryan December 10, 2018 at 8:16 am
At Home, At Peace and Causing Trouble In South Taranaki#1704708supergold December 10, 2018 at 5:34 pm
Farmer Jack once lived on a quiet rural highway, but as time went by, the traffic slowly built up and eventually got so heavy and so fast that his free range chickens were being run over, at a rate of three to six a week.
So Farmer Jack called the local police station to complain, “You’ve got to do something about all these people driving so fast and killing all my chickens,” he said to the local police officer.
“What do you want me to do?” asked the policeman.
I don’t care, just do something about those crazy drivers!”
So the next day the policeman had the council erect a sign that said: SCHOOL CROSSING
Three days later Farmer Jack called the policeman and said, “You’ve still got to do something about these drivers. The school crossing’ sign seems to make them go even faster!”
So again, they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY.
That really sped them up. So Farmer Jack called and said, “Your signs are no good. Can I put up my own sign?”
In order to get Farmer Jack off his back the policeman said, “Sure. Put up your own sign.”
“The phone calls to the Police Station stopped, but curiosity got the better of the officer, so he called Farmer Jack, “How is the problem with the speeding drivers, Did you put up your sign?”
“Oh, I sure did and not one chicken has been killed.”
The policeman was really curious and thought he’d better go out and take a look at the sign. He also thought the sign may be something the police could use elsewhere to slow drivers down.
So he drove out to Farmer Jack’s house.
His jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign……….
‘NUDIST COLONY’ ‘Slow down and watch for chicks!’
Supergold-Wainuiomata (Wellington)#1704819supergold December 12, 2018 at 8:32 am
It was Timmy’s 5th birthday and he was joyfully opening all the presents he received. He saved the biggest for last, so it took a while until he got to opening Grandma’s present.
“Wow” Timmy exclaimed in delight upon seeing the mini drum set that his Grandmother bought for him. “Thanks Grandma this is just what I wanted.”
It was after Timmy went to bed that Timmy’s mother approached her mother. “Ma, I’m surprised at you, don’t you remember how it used to drive you crazy when we used to play the drums in the house growing up?”
Grandma simply smiled and replied, “Oh I remember, darling… of course I remember.”
God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired, — “Where have you been?”
God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds,—- “Look, Michael. Look what I’ve made.”
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, —- “What is it?”
“It’s a planet,” — replied God, — and I’ve put life on it. I’m going to call it Earth and it’s going to be a place to test ‘Balance.'”
“Balance?” — inquired Michael, —- “I’m still confused.”
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth.
“For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I’ve placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of dark people. Balance in all things…”
God continued pointing to different countries. — “This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.”
The Archangel, impressed by God’s work, then pointed to two long islands with a smaller island at the bottom and said, — “What are they?”
“That’s NEW ZEALAND , the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful trees and gardens, beautiful rivers, lakes and mountains and days filled with sunshine. The people from New Zealand are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things.”
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, — “But what about balance, God? You said there would be ‘balance.'”
God smiled, — “I will create Australia. Wait till you see the idiots I’ll put there.”……………
Supergold-Wainuiomata (Wellington)#1704858lilith7 December 12, 2018 at 11:33 am
Pam Ayres, They should have asked my husband
Pam Ayres….a poem about physical exercise.
Pam Ayres, up in the attic#1705013supergold December 14, 2018 at 5:46 am
A kindergarten teacher was helping one of her students put his
boots on. He had asked for help and she could see why. With
her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn’t want to go
When the second boot was on, she was nearly out of breath.
She almost whimpered when the little boy said, “Teacher,
they’re on the wrong feet.”
She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn’t any easier
pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed
to keep her cool as they worked together to get the boots back
on – this time on the right feet.
He then announced, “These aren’t my boots.”
She bit her tongue rather than scream, “Why didn’t you say so
earlier?” like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help
him pull the ill-fitting boots off.
He then said, “They’re my brother’s boots. My Mom made me
She didn’t know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up
the grace to wrestle the boots on his feet again. She said, Now,
where are your gloves?”
He said, “I stuffed them in the toes of my boots…”
Supergold-Wainuiomata (Wellington)#1705019lilith7 December 14, 2018 at 11:27 am
Best Xmas cracker jokes
What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney? Claustrophobia!
What do they sing at a snowman’s birthday party? Freeze a jolly good fellow
Why does Santa have three gardens? So he can ‘ho ho ho’!
What does Miley Cyrus have at Christmas? Twerky!
Knock, knock Who’s there? Arthur Arthur who? Arthur any mince pies left?
What do vampires sing on New Year’s Eve? Auld Fang Syne
Why did Santa’s helper see the doctor? Because he had a low elf esteem#1705020lilith7 December 14, 2018 at 11:28 am
Diary of a Pom in Western Australia
Just got transferred with work from Leeds UK to our new home in Karratha, Western Australia. Now this is a town that knows how to live! Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. I watched the sunset from a deckchair by our pool yesterday. It was beautiful. I’ve finally found my new home. I love it here.
Really heating up now. It got to 31 today. No problem though. Living in air-conditioned home, driving air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I’m turning into a sun-worshipper – no blasted rain like back in Leeds!!
Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. No more mowing lawns for me! Another scorcher today, but I love it here. It’s Paradise!
The temperature hasn’t been below 35 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it’s windy though. Keeps the flies off a bit. Acclimatizing is taking longer than we expected.
Fell asleep by the pool yesterday. Got third degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed three days off work. What a dumb thing to do. Got to respect the old sun in a climate like this!
Didn’t notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car before I left for work this morning. By the time I got back to the car after work, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stuck to the upholstery. The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat shit. I’ve learned my lesson though: no more pets in this heat.
October 25thThis wind is a bastard. It feels like a giant fu*king blow dryer. And it’s hot as hell! The home air conditioner is on the blink and the repair man charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needs to order parts from fu*king Perth ….The wife & the kids are complaining.
The temperature’s up around 40 and the parts still haven’t arrived for the fu*king air conditioner. House is an oven so we’ve all been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. Bloody $600,000 house and we can’t even go inside. Why the hell did I ever come here?
Finally got the fu*king air-conditioner fixed. It cost $1,500 and gets the temperature down to around 25 degrees, but the humidity makes it feel about 35. Stupid repairman. Fu*king thief.
If one more smart bastard says ‘Hot enough for you today?’ I’m going to fu*king throttle him. Fu*king heat! By the time I get to work, the car radiator is boiling over, my fu*king clothes are soaking fu*king wet and I smell like baked cat. F*cking place is the end of the Earth.
Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and sat on the black leather upholstery in my car. I thought my fu*king arse was on fire. I lost 2 layers of flesh, all the hair on the backs of my legs and off my fu*king arse. Now the car smells like burnt hair, fried arse and baked cat. Fu*k. Fu*k. Fu*k.
The Weather report might as well be a ƒü*king recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny, Hot and ƒü*king sunny. It never ƒü*king changes! It’s been too hot to do anything for 2 ƒü*king months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Ƒü*k !
Doesn’t it ever rain in this damn fu*king place? Water restrictions will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms might just dry up and blow into the fu*king pool. The only things that thrive in this fucking hell-hole are the fu*king flies. You don’t dare open your mouth for fear of swallowing half a dozen of the little bastards!
Welcome to HELL! It got to 45 fu*kin’ degrees today. Now the air conditioner’s gone in my car. The repair man came to fix it and said, ‘Hot enough for you today?’ I wanted to shove the fu*king car up his fu*king arse. Anyway, had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail me out of jail for assaulting the stupid prick. Fu*king Karratha! What kind of sick, demented fu*king idiot would want to live here!
WHAT!!!! The FIRST day of Summer!!!! You are fu*king kidding me!#1705111lilith7 December 15, 2018 at 2:33 pm
First guy: “My 85th birthday yesterday. Wife gave me an SUV”.
Other guy: “Wow, that’s amazing! Imagine, an SUV! What a great gift!”
First guy: “Yup. Socks, Underwear and Viagra”
An accountant parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues.
As he’s getting out of the car, a truck comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before zooming off.
More than a little distraught, the accountant grabs his mobile and calls the police.
Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: ‘My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it’s at the panel beaters it’ll simply never be the same again!’
After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust.
‘I can’t believe how materialistic you bloody accountants are,’ he says. ‘You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don’t notice anything else in your life.’
‘How can you say such a thing at a time like this?’ sobs the Porsche owner.
The policeman replies, ‘Didn’t you realise that your arm was torn off when the truck hit you.’
The accountant looks down in horror.
‘F***ING HELL!’ he screams……..’Where’-
s my Rolex????…#1705494lilith7 December 19, 2018 at 11:18 am
What do you call a blind reindeer?. I have no eye deer
What do you call Rudolph if he also lives in the South Pole? Bi-Polar
What does Rudolph want for Christmas? A pony sleigh station!
A couple is walking in St. Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve. They feel a slight precipitation. “I think it’s raining.” says the man. “No, it’s snowing.” replies the woman.
“How about we ask this communist officer of here? He is always right!” exclaims the man, “Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?” “Definitely raining.” Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.
The man turns to his wife with a smile. “See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”
Brandy Plum Pudding Recipe:
1 or 2 bottles Brandy 1 cup butter 1 teaspoon sugar 2 large eggs 1 cup dried fruit baking powder 1 teaspoon soda lemon juice brown sugar nuts
Before you start, sample the brandy to check for quality. Good, isn’t it? Now go ahead. Select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc. Check the brandy again. It must be just right. To be sue brandy is of the highest quality, pour one level cup of brandy into a glass and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat. With an electric mixer, beat 1 cup butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 seaspoon of thugar and beat again.
Meanwhile, make sue that the rum is of the finest quality. Try another cup. Open second bottle if necessary. Add 2 arge leggs, 2 cups fried druit and beat till high. If druit gets stuck in beaters, just pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the brandy again, checking for tonscisticity. Next sift 3 cups of pepper or salt (it really doesn’t matter.)
Sample the brandy again. Sift + pint of lemon juice. Fold in chopped butter and strained nuts. Add 1 babblespoon of brown thugar, or what ever color you can find. Wix mel. Grease oven and turn cake pan to 350 gredees. Now pour the whole mess into the coven and ake. Check the brandy again, and bo to ged
Which is the left side of a pudding?
The side that’s not eaten!
What’s a lawyer’s favourite pudding?
A Sue-it pudding
When is a plum pudding musical?
When it’s piping hot.
Romeo: What would it take to make you kiss me under the mistletoe?
Juliette: An anaesthetic.
What did the reindeer say before launching into his comedy routine? This will sleigh you
Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present!
What do lions sing at Christmas?
When is a boat like a pile of snow?
When it’s adrift.
How do snowmen get around?
On their icicles.
What does Santa call reindeer that don’t work?
What do you call the fear of getting stuck in a chimney?
Santaclaustrophobia#1705682lilith7 December 21, 2018 at 3:57 pm
NOTICE IS HEREBY GIVEN:
Please be advised that all employees planning to dash through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are required to undergo a Risk Assessment addressing the safety of open sleighs.
This assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly where there are multiple passengers. Please note that permission must also be obtained in writing from landowners before their fields may be entered.
To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.
Benches, stools and orthopedic chairs are now available for collection by any shepherds planning or required to watch their flocks at night.
While provision has also been made for remote monitoring of flocks by CCTV cameras from a centrally heated shepherd observation hut, all facility users are reminded that an emergency response plan must be submitted to account for known risks to the flocks.
The angel of the Lord is additionally reminded that prior to shining his/her glory all around s/he must confirm that all shepherds are wearing appropriate Personal Protective Equipment to account for the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory.
Following last year’s well publicised case, everyone is advised that EC legislation prohibits any comment with regard to the redness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer.
Further to this, exclusion of Mr. R Reindeer from reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence.
While it is acknowledged that gift-bearing is commonly practised in various parts of the world, everyone is reminded that the bearing of gifts is subject to Hospitality Guidelines and all gifts must be registered.
This applies regardless of the individual, even royal personages. It is particularly noted that direct gifts of currency or gold are specifically precluded under provisions of the Foreign Corrupt Practices Act.
Further, caution is advised regarding other common gifts, such as aromatic resins that may initiate allergic reactions.
Finally, in the recent case of the infant found tucked up in a manger without any crib for a bed, Social Services have been advised and will be arriving shortly.
Compliance of these guidelines is advised in order for you to fully participate with the festive spirit.
Risk Management Team….:)….:)
A Christmas Story for people having a bad day:
When four of Santa’s elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more……
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where…….
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor (you didn’t know this was a horror story, did you?).
In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little fairy with a great big Christmas tree.
The fairy said very cheerfully,
‘Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?’
And so began the tradition of the fairy on top of the tree . . .
It was Christmas Eve in at the meat counter and a woman was anxiously picking over the last few remaining turkeys in the hope of finding a large one. In desperation she called over a shop assistant and said, ‘Excuse me. Do these turkeys get any bigger?’ ‘No, madam, ‘he replied, ‘they’re all dead.’
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.
Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa’s reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl. We should have known… ONLY women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.
You must be logged in to reply to this topic.