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Daily Haha Thread – add yours

This topic contains 12461 replies, has 233 voices, and was last updated by Profile photo of supergold supergold 5 days, 11 hours ago.

Discussions Jokes Daily Haha Thread – add yours

Viewing 10 posts - 12,231 through 12,240 (of 12,462 total)
  • #1698209
    Profile photo of supergoldsupergold
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    Member since: May 9, 2009
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    supergold

    94737098752 n

    Supergold-Wainuiomata (Wellington)

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    #1698247
    Profile photo of supergoldsupergold
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    Member since: May 9, 2009
    Topics: 67
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    supergold

    Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.
    He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

    The 10 PM news was coming on.
    The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

    The blonde looked at Bob and said, “Do you think he’ll jump?”
    Bob said, “You know, I bet he’ll jump.”

    The blonde replied, “Well, I bet he won’t.”

    Bob placed a £20 bill on the bar and said, ” You’re on!”

    Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

    The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her £20 to Bob. “Fair’s fair. Here’s your money.”

    Bob replied, “I can’t take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news, So I knew he would jump.”

    The blonde replied, “I did, too, but I didn’t think he’d do it again.”

    Bob took the money.

    Supergold-Wainuiomata (Wellington)

    #1698248
    Profile photo of lilith7lilith7
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    Member since: April 9, 2017
    Topics: 2
    Replies: 2029
    lilith7

    Just rang the vet  &  said I just want a bit of advice .
    The vet said what’s the problem ?
    I said how do I stop my dog from digging holes all over the back garden ?
    He said take the spade off him .
    Everyone’s a comedian…

     

    A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him: “Hey look, I’m a vet. I don’t need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what’s wrong just by looking. Why can’t you?”

    The doctor nodded, looked her up and down, wrote out a prescription, and handed it to her and said, “There you are. Of course, if that doesn’t work, we’ll have to have you put down.”

     

     

    What did the veterinarian say after the rabbit died?

    Hare today, gone tomorrow.

     

    Did you hear about the veterinarian who learned to talk with foxes?

    She was crazy like a fox.

     

    Did you hear about the blonde whose computer mouse stopped working?

    She took it to the vet.

     

    What do you get if you cross a dog and a lion?

    A terrified veterinarian!

    **

    The only balls your dog needs are the ones he fetches.

     

    Dinosaurs never went to the vet – look what happened.

     

    Your pets will love our vets. We Shihtzu not.

     

    Free belly rubs with examination. Sorry, pets only.

     

    Frog parking only’ all others will be toad.

     

     

    What do you call a dog magician?

    A Labracadabrador.

    **

    What happened when the cat ate a ball of wool?
    She had mittens!

    What do cat actors say on stage?
    Tabby or not tabby!

    What is the cat’s favourite TV show?
    The evening mews!

    What happens when it rains cats and dogs?
    You can step in a poodle!

    How is cat food sold?
    Usually purr can!

    What’s the unluckiest kind of cat to have?
    A catastrophe!

    What do you get if you cross a cat with a tree?
    A cat-a-logue!

    If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside?
    K9P.

    What do you call a cat with eight legs that likes to swim?
    An octopuss!

    Why did the cat join the Red Cross?
    Because she wanted to be a first-aid kit

    Why did the snowman call his dog Frost?
    Because frost bites !

     

     

    #1698480
    Profile photo of supergoldsupergold
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    Member since: May 9, 2009
    Topics: 67
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    supergold

    Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua .

    As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, “Let’s go over to that bar for a drink.”

    The lady with the Chihuahua said, “We can’t go in there.
    We’ve got dogs with us.”
    The one with the Doberman said, “Just watch, and do as I do.”

    They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.

    The bouncer at the door said, “Sorry, lady, no pets allowed.”

    The woman with the Doberman said, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.”
    The bouncer said, “A Doberman?”
    The woman said,
    “Yes, they’re using them now. They’re very good.”
    The bouncer said, “OK, come on in.”

    The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought, “What the heck,” so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.

    Once again the bouncer said, “Sorry, lady, no pets allowed.”
    The woman said, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog”

    The bouncer said, “A Chihuahua?”
    The woman with the Chihuahua said, ……..

    “A Chihuahua ?
    They gave me a bloody Chihuahua ?!

    Supergold-Wainuiomata (Wellington)

    #1698506
    Profile photo of lilith7lilith7
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    Member since: April 9, 2017
    Topics: 2
    Replies: 2029
    lilith7

    Old-but-good

    Talking Beagle

    A guy was driving around the back woods of Kentucky and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: ‘Talking Dog for Sale’

    He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

    The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking Beagle sitting there. ‘You talk?’ he asks. ‘Yep,’ the Beagle replies.

    After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says

    ‘So, what’s your story?’

    The Beagle looks up and says, ‘Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services… the United States Marines. You know one of their nicknames is ‘The Devil Dogs.’

    In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger. So, I decided to settle down.

    I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.’

    The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

    ‘Ten dollars,’ the guy says.

    ‘Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?’

    ‘Because he’s such a liar… He never did any of that stuff.

    He was in the Navy!’

    #1698538
    Profile photo of supergoldsupergold
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    Topics: 67
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    supergold

    Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end.

    At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.

    Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a foot race down the alley and back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.

    As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.

    Gasping for breath, she replied, “When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I’d better run too!”

     

    Supergold-Wainuiomata (Wellington)

    #1698587
    Profile photo of supergoldsupergold
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    Member since: May 9, 2009
    Topics: 67
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    supergold

    Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous.

    They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.

    The boys’ mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.

    The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.

    The mother sent the 8 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.

    The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly,

    “Do you know where God is, son?”

    The boy’s mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.

    So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone,

    “Where is God?!

    Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.

    The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy’s face and bellowed, “WHERE IS GOD?!”

    The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

    When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked,

    “What happened?”

    The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied,

    “We are in BIG trouble this time!”

    “GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!”

    8853583 n

    Supergold-Wainuiomata (Wellington)

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    #1698646
    Profile photo of lilith7lilith7
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    lilith7

    Groan inducing

    1. How do dog catchers get paid?
    2. By the pound!

     

    Q: Why do dogs bury bones in the ground?

    A: Because you can’t bury them in trees!

     

    Q:How are a dog & a marine biologist alike?

    A: One wags a tail & the other tags a whale.

     

    Q: What do chemists’ dogs do with their bones?

    A: They barium!

     

    Q: What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a jelly?

    A: The collie wobbles!

     

     

    Q: What do you get when you cross a dog and a calculator?

    A: A friend you can count on.

     

    Q: What do you call a large dog that meditates?

    A: Aware wolf.

     

    What did the hungry Dalmation say when he had some kibble?

    That hit the spot!

     

    What did the dog say to the sandpaper?

    Ruff!

     

    What happens when it rains cats and dogs?

    You can step in a poodle.

     

    #1698655
    Profile photo of lilith7lilith7
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    lilith7

    Fascinating Aida, teaching

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CnfE0lArq6Y

     

     

    #1698663
    Profile photo of lilith7lilith7
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    Member since: April 9, 2017
    Topics: 2
    Replies: 2029
    lilith7

    Fascinating Aida

    So sorry Scotland

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mVy7faNKEtM

    Down with the kids

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VtAy0AhKKsk

     

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