- #1696625vale019MemberMember since: August 20, 2012
Replies: 25006vale019 September 24, 2018 at 4:18 pm
(Sad, ain’t it? Where’s me violin!!!)
A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, ‘Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.’
The biker pulled over and said, ‘Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.’
God replied, ‘Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.’
The biker thought about it for a long time.
Finally, he said, ‘God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women. I want to know how she feels inside, what she’s thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing’s wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.
God replied: ‘You want two lanes or four on that bridge?”
#1696630gabyoneMemberMember since: November 13, 2008
- This reply was modified 11 months, 3 weeks ago by vale019.
Replies: 2747gabyone September 24, 2018 at 4:27 pm
Some great ones there, thanks lovely people. 😛 😛 😛
Gabyone Auckland region#1696673peter1941MemberMember since: June 28, 2017
Replies: 25peter1941 September 24, 2018 at 7:33 pm
very good#1696708lilith7 September 25, 2018 at 11:11 am
<section class=”Article__content”>Three men are outside Heaven’s gates waiting to be go to through Heaven. The angel at the gate tells them “Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner decides your way across the bridge to Heaven”.
The first guy says “I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated 3 times”. The angel gives him an old model pick up, the second guy says “11 years and only once” and is granted a Mercedes.
The last man says “20 years and not once , I loved her with all my heart” and with the angel impressed he gets a gold edition Lamborghini and sets off ahead of the other two men. Hours later the two men catch up to him crying behind the wheel and one says ” I know we are dead but it could be much worse”.
The guy looks up and says “How! I just went past my wife on a skateboard”
I am shocked about the local bridge being damaged. Can’t get over it.
Love watching rivers running under bridges on the internet. Was watching a live stream earlier.
How do you get two whales in a car? Down the M4 then over the Severn Bridge.
A friend wants to cure his fear of trolls, but not quite yet. He’ll cross that bridge when he comes to it.
Banged my head on a low bridge. Would have been ok if viaduct.
“Doctor, Doctor, I think I’m a bridge”.
“What’s come over you…?”
“Three cars, a van and a motorbike…”
Someone I know jumped off a bridge in Cairo. He was in denial…
I tried reading a book about a castle with the drawbridge up, but I couldn’t get into it.
Bought a castle with a device to fill the gap under the drawbridge. It’s a remoat control.
You never see King Edwards or Jersey Royals presenting sport on TV. Only Common Taters.
There’s a new pizza shop here called Good King Wenceslas. All their pizzas are deep pan, crisp and even.
Simba was always the last of the pride to get out of bed. He was the lie-in king.
The king took a risk by moving the meat store to the top of the castle’s tower. The steaks are high.
Which king invented the fireplace? Alfred The Grate.
A chap jumps in a taxi says, “King Arthur’s Close”. The taxi driver says, “Don’t worry I’ll lose him at the lights”…
Why did the king go to the dentist? To get his teeth crowned…
Which of King Arthur’s knights invented the Round Table for Camelot? Sir Conference.
The king asked his fool for a joke and the fool just shrugged. He was the court gesture.
Which king also ran a chocolate factory? William the Wonkerer.#1696722supergoldMemberMember since: May 9, 2009
Replies: 9017supergold September 25, 2018 at 12:30 pm
A politician walked into a bank to cash a cheque, walked up to the cashier and said, “Good morning, Ma’am, can you please cash this cheque for me?”
Cashier, “I’d be happy to Sir. Could you please show me your ID?”
Politician “Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn’t think there was any need to. I am a politician.”
Cashier,”Yes Sir, I know who you look like, but with all the new regulations and monitoring of the banks because of imposters, forgers and legislation, I must insist on seeing ID.”
Politician,”Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am.”
Cashier, “I’m sorry, sir but these are the bank’s rules and I must follow them.”
Politician, “Now c’mon, I’m urging you, please, to cash this cheque.”
Cashier, “Look sir, here is an example of what you can do. One day Lydia Ko came into our branch without ID. To prove she was Lydia, she pulled out her putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew she was Lydia and cashed her cheque.”
“Another time Kiri Te Kanawa came in without ID. She sang Hine E Hine for us. On the strength of that we cashed her cheque.”
“So, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you?”
The politician stood there like a stunned mullet, gazing mindlessly into space, thinking, and thinking, and finally said, “Honestly, my mind is a total blank ……….. there is nothing that comes to my mind …….. I can’t think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do, I really feel like I should be apologising here so “sorry” – I simply don’t have a clue.”
Cashier, “Will that be large or small notes, sir?” . . . .
Supergold-Wainuiomata (Wellington)#1696822lilith7 September 26, 2018 at 11:09 am
Some very cheesy jokes
1. What did the cheese say after he got attacked by several blades? I’ve felt grater.
2. Have you heard about the secret society who governs the sale of cheese? They are called the Halloumi-nati!
3. How do you eat crumbly cheese in Wales? Caerphilly
4. Never do business with a cheesemonger. It’s one Roule for them, one Roule for everyone else!
5. What do you call a curly-haired cheese? Permesan!
6. What did Shakespeare ask his cheesemonger? To brie or not to Brie!
7. Why is Christmas the cheeseiest holiday? Because of baby cheese-us!
8. What do you call a dinosaur made of cheese? Gorgonzilla
9. What is a cheese diet? Eating curds and weigh!
10. Did you buy a lot of cheese today? Yes, I bought a Tunworth!
11. What cheese can you use to clean your teeth? Dental schloss
12. What happened when the air conditioning in the cheese factory broke? There was a meltdown!
13. What is cheese without a cracker? Crackalackin!
14. When shouldn’t you believe a word your cheese is saying? When it’s too Gouda be true!
15. Did you hear the cheesy weather forecast? Rain with light Bries!
16. Why did Lewis Hamilton have too much cheese? Because he won the Grand Brie!
17. What did i do with my cheese handkerchief? I bleu my nose!
18. Why didn’t the cheese want to get sliced? It had grater plans!
19. When can’t you see a cheese? When it’s pasteurised!
20. What does cheese say to itself in the mirror? Looking Gouda!
21. What’s a cheese’s favourite TV channel? The Brie Brie C!
22. What did Mr Cheese say to the shop assistant when she selected the wrong size dress for his wife? That won’t Feta!
23. What do they shout out at Pantomimes? He’s Brie-hind you!
24. What did the cheese say to the therapist? I Camembert it any longer!
25. What does a cheese alcoholic call for? Morbier!
26. I wanted cottage with my meal. So I ordered form the a la curd menu!
27. What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho Cheese!
28. When should you keep an eye on your cheese? When it’s up to no Gouda!
29. How did the cheese paint his wife? He Double Gloucester!
30. What do cheese markers dance to on Halloween? The Muenster mash!#1697169lilith7 September 29, 2018 at 10:52 am
That awkward moment when you can’t stop laughing while telling a joke and when you are finally done, your friends don’t get it.
That awkward moment when people are singing Happy Birthday to you and you have no idea where to look.
That awkward moment when it’s quiet your stomach sounds like a dying whale.
That awkward moment when…
you wave to someone and it turns out they were waving to the person behind you.
Why don’t they play poker in the jungle?
Too many cheetahs.
What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
Make me one with everything.
Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife?
He needed his space.
I got fired from my job at the bank today.
An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
I wasn’t going to visit my family this December, but my mom promised to make me Eggs Benedict.
So I’m going home for the hollandaise.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas?
He felt his presents.
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?
It’s inappropriate to make a “dad joke” if you are not a dad.
It’s a faux pa.
I have an addiction to cheddar cheese.
But it’s only mild.
Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil?
Because it’s pointless!
I was sitting in traffic the other day.
Probably why I got run over.
What do you call a fish with no eye?
What don’t ants get sick?
They have anty-bodies.
My grandfather has the heart of a lion…
…and a lifetime ban from the New York City Zoo.
Why can’t you hear a Pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
Because the pee is silent.
Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject.
Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
What do you call someone who immigrated to Sweden?
Have you heard the one about the corduroy pillow?
It’s making headlines.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pool?
What do you call a man who can’t stand?
What’s the dumbest animal in the jungle?
A polar bear.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.#1697172supergoldMemberMember since: May 9, 2009
Replies: 9017supergold September 29, 2018 at 12:40 pm
Proofreading is a dying art……
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No really? Ya think?
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that’s taking things a bit far!
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Good-for-nothing’ lazy so-and-so’s!
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there’s something stronger than duct tape?
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren’t they fat enough?!
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That’s what he gets for eating those beans!
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
And the winner is….
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
Supergold-Wainuiomata (Wellington)#1697182totaraMemberMember since: November 29, 2007
Replies: 547totara September 29, 2018 at 2:59 pm
.” My wife hosted a dinner party for some of our friends, some of whom we
hadn’t seen for ages, and everyone was encouraged to bring their
children along as well.
All throughout dinner my wife’s best friend’s four-year-old daughter
stared at me as I sat opposite her.
The girl could hardly eat her food for staring. I checked my shirt for
spots, felt my face for food,
and patted my hair in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at
Finally I asked her, “Why are you staring at me?”
Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior, and the table went
quiet, waiting for her response.
THE LITTLE GIRL SAID, “I’M JUST WAITING TO SEE HOW YOU DRINK LIKE A
Replies: 415Anonymous September 29, 2018 at 4:31 pm
Sorry Totara…. I must be getting dense in me ol age..I did’t get it? (not like me)
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