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Daily Haha Thread – add yours

This topic contains 12208 replies, has 231 voices, and was last updated by Profile photo of totara totara 19 hours, 10 minutes ago.

Discussions Jokes Daily Haha Thread – add yours

Viewing 10 posts - 12,191 through 12,200 (of 12,209 total)
  • #1694633
    Profile photo of supergoldsupergold
    Member
    Member since: May 9, 2009
    Topics: 65
    Replies: 8438
    supergold

    WHEN I’M AN OLD LADY

    When I’m an old lady, I’ll live with each kid,
    And bring so much happiness..just as they did.
    I want to pay back all the joy they’ve provided.
    Returning each deed! Oh, they’ll be so excited!
    (When I’m an old lady and live with my kids)

    I’ll write on the wall with reds, whites and blues,
    And I’ll bounce on the furniture…wearing my shoes.
    I’ll drink from the carton and then leave it out.
    I’ll stuff all the toilets and oh, how they’ll shout!
    (When I’m an old lady and live with my kids)

    When they’re on the phone and just out of reach,
    I’ll get into things like sugar and bleach.
    Oh, they’ll snap their fingers and then shake their head,
    And try to send me off to my bed!
    (When I’m an old lady and live with my kids)

    When they cook dinner and call me to eat,
    I’ll not eat my green beans or salad or meat,
    I’ll gag on my cabbage, spill milk on the table,
    And when they get angry…I’ll run…if I’m able!
    (When I’m an old lady and live with my kids)

    I’ll sit close to the TV, through the channels I’ll click,
    I’ll cross both eyes just to see if they stick.
    I’ll take off my socks and throw one away,
    And play in the mud ’til the end of the day!
    (When I’m an old lady and live with my kids)

    And later in bed, I’ll lay back and sigh,
    I’ll thank God in prayer and then close my eyes.
    My kids will look down with a smile slowly creeping,
    And say with a groan, ‘She’s so sweet when she’s sleeping!’

    God Bless All Mums and Grandmas everywhere.

    Supergold-Wainuiomata (Wellington)

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    #1694778
    Profile photo of lilith7lilith7
    Member
    Member since: April 9, 2017
    Topics: 2
    Replies: 1572
    lilith7

    Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective – P J O’Rourke

    There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, employ someone to do it, or forbid your children from doing it – Monta Crane

    You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance – Franklin P. Jones

    The secret of dealing successfully with a child is not to be its parent – Mel Lazarus

    Children are a great comfort in your old age. And they help you reach it faster, too – Lionel Kaufman

    Never have children, only grandchildren – Gore Vidal

    Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home – Phyllis Diller

     

    Senior personal ads seen in Florida newspapers …
    • Foxy Lady: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80’s, slim, 5’4″ (used to be 5’6″), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
    • Long-term Commitment: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.
    • Serenity Now: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let’s get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
    • Winning Smile: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
    • Beatles or Stones? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let’s get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.
    • Memories: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let’s put our two heads together.
    • Mint Condition: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn’t in running condition, but walks well.

     

    **

    A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor’s office.
    “Is it true,” she wanted to know, “that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?”
    “Yes, I’m afraid so,” the doctor told her.
    There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, “I’m wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked ‘NO REFILLS’

    **

    George the preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used “Forgive Your Enemies” as his subject. After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands.
    Not satisfied he ranted and raved for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This time he received a response of about 80 percent. Still dissatisfied, he lectured for another 15 minutes and repeated his question. With all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded except one elderly lady in the rear.
    “Mrs. Jones, why are you not willing to forgive your enemies?” “I don’t have any.” “Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?” “Ninety-three.” “Mrs. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person can live to be ninety-three, and not have an enemy in the world.”
    The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, very slowly turned around and said: “It’s easy … I just outlived them all …

     

    #1694852
    Profile photo of supergoldsupergold
    Member
    Member since: May 9, 2009
    Topics: 65
    Replies: 8438
    supergold

    😆  😆   😆

    Supergold-Wainuiomata (Wellington)

    #1695175
    Profile photo of supergoldsupergold
    Member
    Member since: May 9, 2009
    Topics: 65
    Replies: 8438
    supergold

    An oldie, but still a giggle in it for us ….

    The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband’s occupation. “He’s a funeral director,” she answered.

    “Interesting,” the newsman thought.

    He then asked her if she wouldn’t mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20’s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40’s, and a preacher when in her 60’s, and now – in her 80’s – a funeral director.

    The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

    (Wait for it)

    She smiled and explained,

    “I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.”

    Supergold-Wainuiomata (Wellington)

    #1695291
    Profile photo of supergoldsupergold
    Member
    Member since: May 9, 2009
    Topics: 65
    Replies: 8438
    supergold

    An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a traffic light.
    The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, ‘What kind of car ya got there, sonny ?’
    The doctor replies, ‘A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars ! ‘
    ‘That’s a lot of money,’ says the old man. ‘Why does it cost so much?’
    ‘Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!’ states the doctor proudly.
    The Moped driver asks, ‘Mind if I take a look inside?’ ‘No problem,’ replies the doctor.
    So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.
    Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, ‘That’s a pretty nice car, all right… but I’ll stick with my Moped !’
    Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph.
    Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!
    He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH !
    Something whips by him going much faster ! ‘ What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari ?’ the doctor asks himself.
    He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph.
    Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the Moped!
    Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas
    And passes the Moped at 275 mph and he’s feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!
    Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.
    Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again!
    The Ferrari is flat out, and there’s nothing he can do!
    Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.
    The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive.
    He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, ‘I’m a doctor…. Is there anything I can do for you?’
    The old man whispers,
    ‘Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror!’.

    Supergold-Wainuiomata (Wellington)

    #1695300
    Profile photo of BryanBryan
    Member
    Member since: October 28, 2006
    Topics: 15
    Replies: 12248
    Bryan

    #1695175

    Yep, that IS an oldie. In fact it’s so old that I couldn’t remember the punch line, so I still had a laugh at the end!! 😎 😎 😎 😎 😎

    At Home, At Peace and Causing Trouble In South Taranaki

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 2 days ago by Profile photo of Bryan Bryan.
    #1695342
    Profile photo of lilith7lilith7
    Member
    Member since: April 9, 2017
    Topics: 2
    Replies: 1572
    lilith7

    Danny Bhoy  High school  French class

     

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pROYM2hElPc

     

     

     

    #1695414
    Profile photo of supergoldsupergold
    Member
    Member since: May 9, 2009
    Topics: 65
    Replies: 8438
    supergold

    On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and wife in Dublin were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, “We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through.

    So the good wife went out and moved her car.

    A week later while they were eating breakfast again, when the radio announcer said, “We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through.”

    The good wife went out and moved her car again.

    The next week they were again having breakfast, when the radio announcer said, “We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park….”

    Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, “I don’t know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow ploughs can get through?”

    Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, “Why don’t you just leave the car in the garage this time.”

    Supergold-Wainuiomata (Wellington)

    #1695511
    Profile photo of supergoldsupergold
    Member
    Member since: May 9, 2009
    Topics: 65
    Replies: 8438
    supergold

    Grandmother of all Blonde Jokes…

    This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid.

    So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

    While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a
    couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

    Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint.

    He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat..

    He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time.

    He goes over and asks her if she if OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house..

    He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said…

    (You’ll love this…)

    “FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.”

    Supergold-Wainuiomata (Wellington)

    #1695627
    Profile photo of lilith7lilith7
    Member
    Member since: April 9, 2017
    Topics: 2
    Replies: 1572
    lilith7

    When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.

     

    A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce.

     

    I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then I think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.

     

     

    “Doctor, there’s a patient on line 1 that says he’s invisible” “Well, tell him I can’t see him right now.”

     

     

    Q: What do you call a doctor that fixes websites?
    A: A URLologist

     

    Q: What do you call a student that got C’s all the way through med school?
    A: Hopefully not your doctor.

    Q: What did the man say to the x-ray technician after swallowing some money?
    A: “Do you see any change in me?”

     

    Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.

     

    Q: What is the difference between God and an orthopaedic surgeon.
    A: A God doesn’t think he is an orthopaedic surgeon.

     

     

    Q: Does an apple a day keep the doctor away?
    A: Yes, but only if you aim it well enough.

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