- February 23, 2018 at 2:28 pm #1669141
vale019MemberMember since: August 20, 2012
With apologies to Johnny Cash
February 24, 2018 at 7:32 am #1669197
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.
He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home.
I want her to know what I go through.
So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day.’
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man’s wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman…
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids,
set out their school clothes,
Fed them breakfast,
Packed their lunches,
Drove them to school,
Came home and picked up the dry cleaning,
Took it to the cleaners!
And stopped at the bank to make a deposit.
Went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries.
Paid the bills and balanced the check book.
He cleaned the cat’s litter box and bathed the dog.
Then, it was already 1 P.M
And he hurried to make the beds,
Do the laundry, vacuum,
Dust, And sweep and mop the kitchen floor.
Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument
with them on the way home.
Set out milk and cookies and
got the kids organized to do their homework.
Then, set up the ironing board and watched TV while he
did the ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad,
breaded the pork chops
and snapped fresh beans for supper.
He cleaned the kitchen,
Ran the dishwasher,
Bathed the kids, And put them to bed.
At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren’t finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed
to get through without complaint.
The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said:
Lord, I don’t know what I was thinking.
I was so wrong to envy my
wife being able to stay home all day.
Please! Oh, Please! Let us trade back.. Amen!’
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:
‘My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change
things back to the way they were.
You’ll just have to wait nine months, though.
You got pregnant last night.’
This has been voted Women’s Favorite E-mail of the Year! 😆 😆
Supergold-Wainuiomata (Wellington)February 24, 2018 at 4:56 pm #1669225
jandaMemberMember since: January 5, 2008
Replies: 18300February 25, 2018 at 8:31 am #1669273
The Australian Tax Office actually commented on this one. 😆
THE IMPORTANCE OF ACCURACY IN YOUR TAX RETURN.
The ATO has returned the Tax Return to a man in Townsville after he apparently answered one of the questions.
In response to the question, “Do you have anyone dependent on you?”
The man wrote: “2.1 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crackheads, 4.4 million unemployable scroungers, 80,000 criminals in over 85 prisons plus 450 idiots in Parliament, thousands of ‘retired politicians’ and an entire group that call themselves ‘Senators’ ”
The ATO stated that the response he gave was “unacceptable”.
The man’s response back to ATO was,”Who did I leave out?”
Supergold-Wainuiomata (Wellington)February 25, 2018 at 12:54 pm #1669293
vale019MemberMember since: August 20, 2012
The English language has some wonderfully anthropomorphic collective nouns for the various groups of animals.
We are all familiar with a
Herd of cows,
Flock of chickens,
School of fish
A Gaggle of geese, and
A Pride of lions.
However, less widely known is:
A Murder of crows
An Exaltation of doves
And, presumably because they look so wise: A Congress of owls.
Now consider a group of Baboons.
They are the loudest, most dangerous, most aggressive and possibly the least intelligent of all primates………
And what is the proper collective noun for a group of baboons?
Believe it or not … A Parliament
Mmmmm…A PARLIAMENT OF BABOONS!
Explains a lot doesn’t it?February 26, 2018 at 7:00 pm #1669514
jandaMemberMember since: January 5, 2008
from Stoke, Nelson 😛February 28, 2018 at 12:34 pm #1669759
lilith7MemberMember since: April 9, 2017
The United Nations conducted a world wide survey with one question:
“Would you please give your opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?”
The survey was a huge failure:
* In Latin America, they didn’t know what please meant …
* In China, they didn’t know what opinion meant …
* In the Middle East, they didn’t know what solution meant …
* In Europe, they didn’t know what shortage meant …
* In Africa, they didn’t know what food meant …
* In the United States, they didn’t know what the rest of the world meant …
I read in a recent survey that 10 out of 2 people are dyslexic
The average age of people living in our military retirement community is 85. Recently, a neighbor turned 100, and a big birthday party was thrown. Even his son turned up.
“How old are you?” a tenant asked.
“I’m 81 years old,” he answered.
The tenant shook her head. “They sure grow up fast, don’t they?”
Police in Tampa, Florida, raided and shut down a weekly $4-a-round mah-jongg game played by four elderly women. The Week asked its readers for titles of crime movies that could be made about this bust:
Golden Girls, Interrupted
The Lavender Hair Mob
Indicting Miss Daisy
No Country for Old Women
The Social Security Network
As the hostess at the casino buffet showed me to my table, I asked her to keep an eye out for my husband, who would be joining me momentarily. I started to describe him: “He has gray hair, wears glasses, has a potbelly …”
She stopped me there. “Honey,” she said, “today is senior day. They all look like that.”
My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that’s the law.
When a soldier came to the clinic where I work for an MRI, he was put into the machine by an attractive, young technician. Sometime later, when the examination was over, he was helped out of the machine by a far older woman. The soldier remarked, “How long was I in there for?”
After trick-or-treating, a teen takes a shortcut home through the cemetery. Halfway across, he’s startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at a headstone.
“I thought you were a ghost,” says the relieved teen. “What are you doing working so late?”
“Oh, those idiots,” grumbles the old man. “They misspelled my name!”
In the hardware store, a clerk asked, “Can I help you find anything?”
“How about my misspent youth,” joked my husband.
The clerk shot back, “We keep that in the back, between world peace and winning lottery tickets.”
While my parents were making their funeral arrangements, the cemetery salesman pointed out a plot that he thought they would like. “You’ll have a beautiful view of the swan pond,” he assured them.
Dad wasn’t sold: “Unless you’re including a periscope with my casket, I don’t know how I’m going **to enjoy it.”
We’d finally built our dream home, but the contractor had a concern: the placement of an atrium window for our walk-in shower. “I’m afraid your neighbors might have a good view of you au naturel,” he said.
My middle-aged wife put him at ease. “Don’t worry,” she said. “They’ll only look once.”
When I was in high school, I wore Birkenstocks. Or as I call them now, the ’90s version of a purity ring.February 28, 2018 at 10:52 pm #1669869
totaraMemberMember since: November 29, 2007
A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.
Three women, from England, Scotland and Ireland, were walking past and
felt sorry for the poor man.
The English woman said ‘Have you ever had a hug?’ The man said ‘No’ so
she gave him a hug and walked on.
The Scottish woman said, ‘Have you ever had a kiss?’ The man said,
‘No,’ so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The Irish woman came to him and said, ‘ave ya ever been fooked lad?’
The man broke into a big smile and said, ‘No’.
She said, ‘Aye – Ya will be when the tide comes in.’March 1, 2018 at 8:38 am #1669873
Supergold-Wainuiomata (Wellington)March 1, 2018 at 9:05 am #1669878
The End is near:.. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him. He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:
“My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses. My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end.”
My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre.
Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river.”
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, “Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property”.
Sarah replies, “Property ? …..
He has a paper round!! “
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