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Daily Haha Thread – add yours

This topic contains 12164 replies, has 229 voices, and was last updated by Profile photo of supergold supergold 15 hours, 3 minutes ago.

Discussions Jokes Daily Haha Thread – add yours

Viewing 10 posts - 11,831 through 11,840 (of 12,165 total)
  • #1667509
    Profile photo of gabyonegabyone
    Member
    Member since: November 13, 2008
    Topics: 1
    Replies: 2546
    gabyone

    😛 😛  😛  Love this thread !!!!

     

    Gabyone Auckland region

    #1667517
    Profile photo of BryanBryan
    Member
    Member since: October 28, 2006
    Topics: 15
    Replies: 12221
    Bryan

    You don’t have that on your own SG! 😀 😀

    At Home, At Peace and Causing Trouble In South Taranaki

    #1667538
    Profile photo of lilith7lilith7
    Member
    Member since: April 9, 2017
    Topics: 2
    Replies: 1495
    lilith7

     

    Charlie Drake, my boomerang won’t come back.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_prtbj4MtDU

     

    #1667834
    Profile photo of supergoldsupergold
    Member
    Member since: May 9, 2009
    Topics: 65
    Replies: 8340
    supergold

    The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, ”You had a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now.”

    The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, ”And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock ‘n
    roll gospel choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the
    balcony.”

    ”Thank you, Father,” answered the young priest. ”I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth.”

    ”All of these ideas have been well and good,” said the elderly priest,
    ”But I’m afraid you’ve gone too far with the drive-thru confessional.”

    ”But, Father,” protested the young priest, ”my confessions and the
    donations have nearly doubled since I began that!”

    ”Yes,” replied the elderly priest, ”and I appreciate that. But the
    flashing neon sign, “Toot ‘n Tell or Go to Hell’ cannot stay on the church
    roof!”

    Supergold-Wainuiomata (Wellington)

    #1668209
    Profile photo of lilith7lilith7
    Member
    Member since: April 9, 2017
    Topics: 2
    Replies: 1495
    lilith7

    Sam and John were out cutting wood when John cut his arm off. Sam remained calm, wrapped the arm in a plastic bag, and took the arm and John to a surgeon. “You are in luck,” said the surgeon. “I am an expert in re-attaching limbs. Come back in four hours when I have completed the operation.”

    So Sam returned in four hours and the surgeon said, “I did it faster than I expected. Jon is down at the pub.” Sam rushed down to the pub and was amazed to see John playing darts.

    A few weeks later, Sam and John were cutting wood again when John accidentally cut off his leg. Sam put the leg in a plastic bag and took it and John back to the same surgeon. “Legs are harder,” said the surgeon, “but I’ll see what I can do – come back in six hours.”

    Sam returned in six hours and the surgeon said, “I finished early – John’s playing football.” Sam went to the field and to his surprise found John kicking 50 meter torpedoes.

    A few weeks later, Sam and John were cutting wood again, when John accidentally cut off his own head. Sam put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of John to the surgeon, confident that the skilful surgeon would do the job.

    “Gee, heads are really difficult to re-attach,” the surgeon muttered, “but I’ll see what I can do – come back in 12 hours.”

    Sam returned in 12 hours. “How did it go, Doc?” he asked. “I’m sorry. John died,” the surgeon replied.

    “He suffocated in the plastic bag, you idiot!!”

    **

    My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.

     

    What do you call a thieving alligator? A Crookodile

    1. What do you call a round, green vegetable that breaks out of prison?
    2. An escapea.

     

    Why did the physics teacher break up with the biology teacher? There was no chemistry.

     

    1. Why do the French like to eat snails so much?

      A. They can’t stand fast food.

     

    CHICKENS
    The only animal you eat before they exist and after they are dead.
    COMMITTEE
    A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
    DUST
    Mud with the juice squeezed out.
    EGOTIST
    Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

    HANDKERCHIEF
    Cold Storage.
    INFLATION
    Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
    MOSQUITO
    An insect that makes you like flies better.
    RAISIN
    A grape with a sunburn.
    SECRET
    A story you tell to one person at a time.
    SKELETON
    A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
    TOOTHACHE
    The pain that drives you to extraction.
    TOMORROW
    One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.
    YAWN
    An honest opinion openly expressed.
    WRINKLES
    Something other people have similar to my character lines.

    #1668233
    Profile photo of supergoldsupergold
    Member
    Member since: May 9, 2009
    Topics: 65
    Replies: 8340
    supergold

    😆  😆   😆   😆  Lots of giggles there Lilith7  😆   😆

    Supergold-Wainuiomata (Wellington)

    #1668237
    Profile photo of supergoldsupergold
    Member
    Member since: May 9, 2009
    Topics: 65
    Replies: 8340
    supergold

    The Aisle, the Altar, the Hymn

    Through the ages, men have been trying to unlock this mystery:

    Why do their wives, who accept them just as they are before they get
    married, begin the quest to change their behaviour and life-style once
    their vows are exchanged?

    Finally, the riddle is solved.

    A social-scientist has arrived at this simple and logical explanation.
    When the bride, accompanied by her father, starts to walk slowly down
    the long aisle, she sees the altar at the end and hears the choir
    singing a hymn. Walking down the aisle, the conditioning process starts
    where the brain absorbs these three stimuli:

    Aisle, altar, and hymn.

    She becomes mesmerized as she continually reinforces these
    perceptions:

    Aisle, altar, hymn……Aisle, altar, hymn……Aisle, altar, hymn.

    And finally, as she stops beside the groom, the conditioning process is
    complete. She looks up at him smiling sweetly and keeps saying to herself:

    ‘I’ll alter him!’

    HERE ENDETH THE LESSON

    Supergold-Wainuiomata (Wellington)

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    #1668244
    Profile photo of vale019vale019
    Member
    Member since: August 20, 2012
    Topics: 8
    Replies: 16871
    vale019

    hahahaha – all so funny. Very entertaining, thank you everyone

    #1668306
    Profile photo of supergoldsupergold
    Member
    Member since: May 9, 2009
    Topics: 65
    Replies: 8340
    supergold

    Some important information that the public needs to know right now.

    DO NOT WASH YOUR HAIR IN THE SHOWER (OR THE TUB)

    DO NOT wash your hair in the shower!

    It’s so good to finally get a health warning that is useful.

    IT INVOLVES THE SHAMPOO WHEN IT RUNS DOWN YOUR BODY…. WHEN YOU SHOWER WITH IT.

    WARNING TO US ALL!!!

    Shampoo Warning! I don’t know WHY I didn’t figure this out sooner!

    I use shampoo in the shower!

    When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning,

    “FOR EXTRA BODY AND VOLUME.”

    No wonder I have been gaining weight! Well!

    I got rid of that shampoo and I am going to start showering with Dishwashing Soap. It’s label reads, “DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE.”

    Problem solved!

    If I don’t answer the phone, I’ll be in the shower!

    Supergold-Wainuiomata (Wellington)

    #1668310
    Profile photo of BryanBryan
    Member
    Member since: October 28, 2006
    Topics: 15
    Replies: 12221
    Bryan

    That was very well put! Now for a True one.

    Nearly 67 years ago I was studying in the Sick Bay on the RNZNVR HQ in Wellington when the Duty Doctor (A Surgeon Captain which is a Senior rank in the RNZN) came in for something as I was getting married in a weeks time I asked him if he had any advise to give a young fellow soon to be married. I still remember his reply. “NEVER marry someone for what you want them to be! Marry someone for what they are now. Because if you have to change them then they’re NOT what you want!”

    HERE ENDETH THE SECOND LESSON

    At Home, At Peace and Causing Trouble In South Taranaki

    • This reply was modified 6 months ago by Profile photo of Bryan Bryan.
    • This reply was modified 6 months ago by Profile photo of Bryan Bryan.
    • This reply was modified 6 months ago by Profile photo of Bryan Bryan. Reason: Spelling & punctuation
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