- January 10, 2018 at 8:29 am #1661757
Supergold-Wainuiomata (Wellington)January 10, 2018 at 11:33 am #1661791
lilith7MemberMember since: April 9, 2017
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I’m OK, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
I’d tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn’t get a reaction.
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It’s very time consuming
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
I used to be a banker but I lost interest
The experienced carpenter really nailed it, but the new guy screwed everything up.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter. How dairy.
If there was someone selling drugs in this place, weed know.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
When notes get in treble, bass-ically they get put behind bars. The alto-nate punishment is to push them off a clef and hope they land flat on sharp objects.
He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.
I don’t trust these stairs because they’re always up to something.
The shoemaker did not deny his apprentice anything he needed. He gave his awl.
I went to the dentist without lunch, and he gave me a plate.January 11, 2018 at 8:40 pm #1662097
Supergold-Wainuiomata (Wellington)January 14, 2018 at 9:44 pm #1662476
bobbityMemberMember since: September 14, 2006
😆 Neat funnies here everyone. You all should be proud of making us smile. 😀
I love all GUppies
♫♪✿(◠‿◠)✿♥♫♪January 14, 2018 at 9:44 pm #1662477
Nine Important Facts To Remember As We Grow Older
#9 Death is the number one killer in the world.
#8 Life is sexually transmitted.
#7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
#6 Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they can’t tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.
#5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks, months, maybe years unless you give them your email address.
#4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.
#3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
#2 In the 60’s, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.
#1 Life is like a jar of jalapeño peppers. What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow.
Supergold-Wainuiomata (Wellington)January 15, 2018 at 7:54 am #1662495
Whether you own a dog or not, you must appreciate the efforts of this owner trying to sell her dog.
Look at the picture of this lovable Chinese Mastiff and then read the sales pitch below.
Dog For Sale. Excellent guard dog.Owner cannot afford to feed Jethro any more, as there are no more drug pushers, thieves, murderers, or molesters left in the neighborhood for him to eat. Most of them knew Jethro only by his Chinese street name, Ho Lee Schitt.
Supergold-Wainuiomata (Wellington)January 15, 2018 at 8:00 am #1662497
gabyoneMemberMember since: November 13, 2008
😛 😛 😛 Lovely way to start the day.
Gabyone Auckland regionJanuary 17, 2018 at 11:53 am #1662838
lilith7MemberMember since: April 9, 2017
Its so hot that…
..I went outside for a smoke and the cigarette lit itself!
…I’m sweating like a politician on election day!
… the cows are giving evaporated milk!
… the birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground!
…you can make INSTANT sun tea!
…your car overheats before you drive it!
… you got condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl!
…Lance Armstrong tested positive for water!
…my change melted into a medallion in my purse!
…I saw a coyote chasing a jack rabbit and they were both walking!
It’s So Hot……. I saw a chicken lay an omelette!!
It’s So Hot……. I saw a squirrel picking up nuts with pot holders!!
It’s So Hot……. I saw a funeral procession pull thru a Dairy Queen!!
It’s So Hot……. Jehovah’s Witnesses started telemarketing!!
It’s So Hot……. the best parking spots are gauged by shade rather than distance!!
It’s So Hot……. you can wash and dry your clothes at the same time!
It’s So Hot……. I saw two trees fighting over a dog!!
It’s So Hot……. I saw a cop chasing a thief, and they were both walking!!
It’s So Hot……. cows give powdered milk!!
It’s So Hot……. my thermometer goes up to “Are you kidding me?”!!January 18, 2018 at 8:38 am #1663021
Have to agree with all of those Lilith7. It sure has been hot and humid.
Supergold-Wainuiomata (Wellington)January 18, 2018 at 8:39 am #1663022
A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, “Are you going to San Diego ?”
“Sure,” answered the blonde, “Do you need a lift?”
“Not for me. I’ll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I’ve got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They’re a bit stressed already so I don’t want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I’ll give you $100 for your trouble.”
“I’d be happy to,” said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde’s car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. What the heck are you doing here?” he demanded, “I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.”
“Yes, I know you did,” said the blonde,” but we had money left over—so now we’re going to Sea World “
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