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Daily Haha Thread – add yours

This topic contains 12120 replies, has 227 voices, and was last updated by Profile photo of Slowjoeme Slowjoeme 16 hours, 33 minutes ago.

Discussions Jokes Daily Haha Thread – add yours

Viewing 10 posts - 11,681 through 11,690 (of 12,121 total)
  • #1651611
    Profile photo of supergoldsupergold
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    Member since: May 9, 2009
    Topics: 64
    Replies: 8219
    supergold

    A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I’d like to buy some cyanide.

    The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”

    The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”

    The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he explained, “Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband, that’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”

    The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.

    The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, “You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”

    Supergold-Wainuiomata (Wellington)

    #1651794
    Profile photo of supergoldsupergold
    Member
    Member since: May 9, 2009
    Topics: 64
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    supergold

    Little boys and girls have the answers ! 😆

    A little boy was attending his first wedding.

    After the service, his cousin asked him,

    “How many women can a man marry?”

    “Sixteen,” the boy responded.

    His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.

    “How do you know that?”

    “Easy,” the little boy said.

    “All you have to do is add it up, like the pastor said,

    4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer.”

    ***************************************************************************

    After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother,

    “Mom, I’ve decided to become a minister when I grow up.”

    “That’s okay with us, but what made you decide that?”

    “Well,” said the little boy, “I have to go to church on Sunday anyway,

    And I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen.”

    ***************************************************************************

    A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord’s Prayer at a church service,

    “And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us.”

    ***************************************************************************

    A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon.

    “How do you know what to say?” he asked.

    “Why, God tells me.”

    “Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?”

    ***************************************************************************

    A little girl became restless as the preacher’s sermon dragged on and on.

    Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered,

    “Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?”

    ***************************************************************************

    Ms. Pauli asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories.

    She was puzzled by Kyle’s picture, which showed four people on an airplane.

    She asked him which story it was meant to represent.

    “The Flight to Egypt,” was his reply.

    Pointing at each figure, Ms.Pauli said,

    “That must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus.

    But who’s the fourth person?”

    “Oh, that’s Pontius – the pilot!”

    ***************************************************************************

    The Sunday School Teacher asks,

    “Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?”

    “No ma’am,” little Johnny replies, I don’t have to.

    My mom is a good cook.”

    *************************************************************************

    A little girl was sitting on her grandfather’s lap as he read her a bedtime story.

    From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek.

    She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.

    Finally she spoke up, “Grandpa, did God make you?”

    “Yes, sweetheart,” he answered, “God made me a long time ago.”

    “Oh,” she paused, “Grandpa, did God make me too?”

    “Yes, indeed, honey,” he said, “God made you just a little while ago.”

    Feeling their respective faces again, she observed,

    “God’s getting better at it, isn’t he ?”

    Supergold-Wainuiomata (Wellington)

    #1651798
    Profile photo of supergoldsupergold
    Member
    Member since: May 9, 2009
    Topics: 64
    Replies: 8219
    supergold

     

    GRANDPARENTS’ ANSWERING MACHINE

    Good morning. . . . At present we are not at home but, please Leave your message after you hear the beep.. beeeeeppp ….

    If you are one of our children, dial 1 and then select the option from 1 to 5 in order of “arrival” so we know who it is.

    1. If you need us to stay with the children, press 2
    2. If you want to borrow the car, press 3
    3. If you want us to wash your clothes and ironing, press 4
    4. If you want the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 5
    5. If you want us to pick up the kids at school, press 6
    6. If you want us to prepare a meal for Sunday or to have it delivered to your home, press 7
    7. If you want to come to eat here, press 8
    8. If you need money, dial 9
    9. If you are going to invite us to dinner, or, taking us to the theatre start talking we are listening !!!!!!!!!!!”

    Supergold-Wainuiomata (Wellington)

    #1651802
    Profile photo of gabyonegabyone
    Member
    Member since: November 13, 2008
    Topics: 1
    Replies: 2518
    gabyone

    😛 😛  😛  ❗  ❗  ❗

    Gabyone Auckland region

    #1652326
    Profile photo of TedETedE
    Member
    Member since: May 6, 2006
    Topics: 3
    Replies: 2018
    TedE

    Have you copyright for that SuperGold? i’d like to add it to our machine but I don;t want to be sued!

    TedE - Papakura -

    #1652387
    Profile photo of supergoldsupergold
    Member
    Member since: May 9, 2009
    Topics: 64
    Replies: 8219
    supergold

    No copyright on that TedE. Go for it.  😆

    Supergold-Wainuiomata (Wellington)

    #1652394
    Profile photo of kaikai
    Member
    Member since: January 4, 2008
    Topics: 222
    Replies: 9206
    kai

    Love it Supergold,,, 😎 added an old red phone box to it,, and sent it on!!

    Cheers From Kai

    #1652452
    Profile photo of supergoldsupergold
    Member
    Member since: May 9, 2009
    Topics: 64
    Replies: 8219
    supergold

    You don’t have to be a “dog person”  to truly appreciate this story ….

    “Stay!”

    I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local shopping centre and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever pup had fresh air.

    She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there.

    I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically,

    “Now you stay. Do you hear me?”

    “Stay! Stay!”

    The driver of a nearby car, a pretty young blonde, gave me a strange look and said,

    (this is going to hurt, but read on)

     

    “Why don’t you just put it in ‘Park’?”

    Supergold-Wainuiomata (Wellington)

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    #1652512
    Profile photo of supergoldsupergold
    Member
    Member since: May 9, 2009
    Topics: 64
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    supergold

    Things that go through your mind when you can’t fall asleep…

    * If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years, whether or not you are successful.

    * Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?

    * What if my dog only brings back my ball because he thinks I like throwing it?

    * If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?

    * Which letter is silent in the word “Scent,” the S or the C?

    * Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn’t it be called double V?

    * Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and It just takes 75-100 years to fully work.

    * Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty

    * The word “swims” upside-down is still “swims”.

    * Intentionally losing a game of rock, paper, scissors is just as hard as trying to win.

    * 100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.

    * Your future self is watching you right now through memories.

    * The doctors that told Stephen Hawking he had two years to live in 1953 are probably dead.

    * Many animals probably need glasses, but nobody knows it.

    * If you rip a hole in a net, there are actually fewer holes in it than there were before.

    * 2/2/22 falls on a Tuesday, we’ll just call it “2’s Day”.

    Supergold-Wainuiomata (Wellington)

    #1653083
    Profile photo of supergoldsupergold
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    Member since: May 9, 2009
    Topics: 64
    Replies: 8219
    supergold

    prospector01

    An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading an old tired mule.  The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat..  He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.

    As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

    The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, “Hey old man, have you ever danced?”

    The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, “No, I never did dance … never really wanted to.”

    The crowd had gathered as the gunslinger  grinned and said, “Well, you old fool, you’re gonna dance now,” and started shooting at the old man’s  feet.

    The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet.

    Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.  When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

    The old  man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.  The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

    The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly.

    The silence was almost deafening.

    The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin 10 gauge barrels.  The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man’s hands, as he quietly said, “Son, have you ever kissed a mule’s ass?”

    The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, “No sir … but… I’ve always wanted to.”

     

    There are a few lessons for us all here:

    Never be arrogant.

    Don’t waste ammunition.

    Whiskey makes you think you’re smarter than you are.

    Always, always make sure you know who has the power.

    Don’t mess with old folks, they didn’t get old by being stupid.

     

    I just love a story with a happy ending, don’t you?

    Supergold-Wainuiomata (Wellington)

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