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  • #1621319
    Profile photo of lilith7
    lilith7
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    Member since: April 9, 2017
    Topics: 1
    Replies: 653

    Billy Connolly Stand Up Jokes

    “If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?”

    “Life is a waste of time. Time is a waste of life. Get wasted all the time and you’ll have the time of your life.”

    “I’m much bigger in Britain than I am there. I’m well-known, but my name’s That Guy in America. . . .
    People shout: “Hey I know you! You’re That Guy.”
    “My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.”

    “So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?” “Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosy… Doesn’t try it on.”

     

    “What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find?”

    “Do you remember that politician who died with the fishnet tights and all that? Aw, his poor family. I wonder how they dress him in the coffin?”

    “Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he THINK he was doing at the time?”

    “That man (Ronald Reagan), he sits at that desk in the White House, and the button is there that can end the world: BOOM! My father’s younger than him and we don’t give him the controls for the television!”

    “Don’t buy one of those baby intercoms. Babies pretend to be dead. They’re bastards, and they do it on purpose. ”

    “When I was a boy I was a Catholic. I paid the fine and got out.”

     

    **

    A man wants to become a bell-ringer, but has no arms. So he tells the priest of his wish, but the priest says: “How can you be our bell-ringer without arms?” He replied “Arms? Who needs ’em!” So the arm-less guy runs to the top of the bell tower, and starts ringing the bell with his face, making beautiful music. Unfortunately, he misses the last note, and falls from the bell tower. A bunch of parishioners gather around him, asking: “Who is this guy?” The priest says: “I don’t know, but his face rings a bell.”

     

    #1623359
    Profile photo of lilith7
    lilith7
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    Member since: April 9, 2017
    Topics: 1
    Replies: 653

    Somebody said it takes about six weeks to get back to normal after you’ve had a baby …. somebody doesn’t know that once you’re a mother, “normal” is history.

    Somebody said you learn how to be a mother by instinct somebody never took a three-year-old shopping.

    Somebody said being a mother is boring somebody never rode in a car driven by a teenager with a driver’s permit.

    Somebody said if you’re a “good” mother, your child will turn out good”….somebody thinks a child comes with directions and a guarantee.

    Somebody said “good” mothers never raise their voices … somebody never came out the back door just in time to see her child hit a golf ball through the neighbor’s kitchen window.

    Somebody said you don’t need an education to be a mother…. somebody never helped a fourth grader with his math.

    Somebody said you can’t love the second child as much as you love the first … somebody doesn’t have two children.

    Somebody said a mother can find all the answers to her child-rearing questions in the books….somebody never had a child stuff beans up his nose or in his ears.

    Somebody said the hardest part of being a mother is labor and delivery….somebody never watched her “baby” get on the bus
    for the first day of kindergarten . or on a plane headed for military “boot camp.”

    Somebody said a mother can do her job with her eyes closed and one hand tied behind her back ….somebody never organized seven giggling Brownies to sell cookies.

    Somebody said a mother can stop worrying after her child gets married….somebody doesn’t know that marriage adds a new son or daughter-in-law to a mother’s heartstrings.

    Somebody said a mother’s job is done when her last child leaves home….somebody never had grandchildren.

    Somebody said your mother knows you love her, so you don’t need to tell her…. somebody isn’t a mother.

    #1625856
    Profile photo of supergold
    supergold
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    Member since: May 9, 2009
    Topics: 56
    Replies: 7218

    A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down the main street.

    “But officer,” the man began, “I can explain.”

    “Just be quiet,” snapped the officer. “I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.”

    “But, officer, I just wanted to say,…”

    “And I said to keep quiet! You’re going to jail!”

    A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you that the chief’s at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”

    “Don’t count on it,” answered the fellow in the cell. “I’m the groom.”

    Supergold-Wainuiomata

    #1626002
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    supergold
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    Member since: May 9, 2009
    Topics: 56
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    A blonde and a lawyer were seating next to each other on a flight. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, so she politely says no and turns to the window for a nap.

    The lawyer insists and explains that the game is easy and very fun. He explains, “I’m going to ask you a question, and if you do not know the answer, you’ll pay me $5, and vice versa.”

    Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, “Okay, if you do not know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I do not know the answer, I pay you $500.”

    This catches the attention of the blonde and, imagining that there will be no end to this torment unless she makes part of his game, she agrees to play.

    The lawyer asks the first question, “How far is the Earth from the Moon?”

    The blonde did not say a word, opened her purse, took out a $5 bill and handed it to him. “Okay,” said the lawyer, “it’s your turn to ask.”

    She asks the lawyer: “What goes up a mountain with three legs and comes down with four legs?”

    The lawyer, perplexed, picks up his laptop and searches all his references — no answer. He searches the net and the library of Congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends emails to all his friends and co-workers but, also, no answer. After an hour, he wakes the blonde and reluctantly hands her $500.

    “Thank you,” the blonde says, and goes back to sleep some more.

    The lawyer, annoyed, wakes her up and asks, “Well, what is the answer?”

    Without a word, she takes her purse, hands him $5, and goes back to sleep.

    And you thought blondes were dumb! Well done! Hahaha!  😆 

    Supergold-Wainuiomata

    #1629102
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    supergold
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    Member since: May 9, 2009
    Topics: 56
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    A STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM

    I would have given him 100%!  Each answer is correct, grammatically correct, and funny too. The teacher had no sense of humor.

    Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?

    *His last battle

     

    Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

    *At the bottom of the page

     

    Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?

    *Liquid

    Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?

    *Marriage

     

    Q5. What is the main reason for failure?

    *Exams

     

    Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?

    *Lunch & dinner

     

    Q7. What looks like half an apple?

    *The other half

     

    Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea, what will it become?

    *Wet

     

    Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping?

    *No problem, he sleeps at night.

     

    Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?

    *You will never find an elephant that has one hand.

     

    Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have?

    *Very large hands

     

    Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?

    *No time at all, the wall is already built.

     

    Q13. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?

    *Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

     

    Spread some laughter, share the cheer.  Let’s be happy, while we’re here!

     

    Supergold-Wainuiomata

    #1629346
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    supergold
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    Member since: May 9, 2009
    Topics: 56
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    A controller at the Nashville, Tennessee airport told me about an incident from several years ago when he cleared a Cessna 172 (4 seater small aircraft) for landing.

    As the Cessna turned to final approach, an airliner called in ‘over the marker’ (5 miles from the airport).

    The Cessna was about a half mile from the runway, and the controller knew he could land and clear the runway well before the airliner would land, so he cleared the airliner to land as well.

    A few seconds later, the Cessna pilot asked the controller, “How far behind me is that 737?”

    Before the controller could respond, the airline pilot keyed his mike, and in a deep bass voice said, “Don’t look back!…”

    (True story) LOL Bet he didn’t muck about landing that wee Cessna.

    Supergold-Wainuiomata

    #1629605
    Profile photo of lilith7
    lilith7
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    Member since: April 9, 2017
    Topics: 1
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    “There’s a growing trend of older Americans who are using marijuana in their retirement. That makes sense because old people are always talking about their joints.” –Jimmy Fallon

    “In November, Colorado voted to legalize the recreational use of marijuana. Currently, only Colorado residents can purchase marijuana in the state.
    But they may open it up to nonresidents too. The new state slogan is ‘Come for the legal marijuana, stay because you forgot to leave.'” –Jimmy Kimmel

    “Several states are now looking into the possibility of taxing marijuana as a source of revenue. That is so typical of the government, isn’t it? Trying to squeeze blood from a stoner.” –Jay Leno

    “According to a new book coming out by a Pulitzer Prize-winning author, apparently when he was in high school, President Obama smoked large amounts of marijuana. You know what that means? He could be our first green president.” –Jay Leno

    “The White House admitted that Vice President Biden’s endorsement of gay marriage forced him to come out in favor of it. So in a related story millions of Americans are trying to get Biden hooked on pot.” –Conan O’Brien

    “Some Democrats in Congress are now trying to change the marijuana laws, making it legal so it can be taxed and increase revenue.
    Is that what the government’s come down to now? We’re selling drugs to pay off our debts? When did Uncle Sam become Scarface?” –Jay Leno

    “The White House softball team played the pro-marijuana lobbyists’ team and lost 25-3. Still no word yet on which side President Obama played for.” –Jay Leno

    “A phone survey found 70 percent of Americans support legalizing marijuana.
    I can’t believe that many marijuana supporters managed to answer the phone.” –Craig Ferguson

    “Stoners just got a powerful new ally in the fight to legalize marijuana — conservative broadcaster Pat Robertson. He said it’s time to ‘you know, legalize it, tax it, and keep it away from Mel Gibson.’” –Craig Ferguson

    “Today, Snoop Dog endorsed Ron Paul for president. Snoop said he likes Paul’s positions on everything from legalizing pot … to legalizing pot.” –Conan O’Brien

    “Cannabis always made me paranoid; I felt like people were watching me. And now I’m sober, and I’ve got this talk show in the middle of the night on CBS, and I now know that no one is watching me.” –Craig Ferguson

    #1631448
    Profile photo of lilith7
    lilith7
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    Member since: April 9, 2017
    Topics: 1
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    One night, the Potato family sat down to dinner–Mother Potato and her three daughters. Midway through the meal, the eldest daughter spoke up. “Mother Potato?” she said. “I have an announcement to make.”

    “And what might that be?” said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her eldest daughter’s eyes.

    “Well,” replied the daughter, with a proud but sheepish grin, “I’m getting married!”

    The other daughters squealed with surprise as Mother Potato exclaimed, “Married! That’s wonderful! And who are you marrying, Eldest daughter?”

    “I’m marrying a Russet!”

    “A Russet!” replied Mother Potato with pride.

    “Oh, a Russet is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!”

    As the family shared in the eldest daughter’s joy, the middle daughter spoke up. “Mother? I, too, have an announcement.”

    “And what might that be?” encouraged Mother Potato.

    Not knowing quite how to begin, the middle daughter paused, then said with conviction, “I, too, am getting married!”

    “You, too!” Mother Potato said with joy. “That’s wonderful! Twice the good news in one evening! And who are you marrying, Middle Daughter?”

    “I’m marrying an Idaho!” beamed the middle daughter.

    “An Idaho!” said Mother Potato with joy. “Oh, an Idaho is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!”

    Once again, the room came alive with laughter and excited plan for the future, when the youngest Potato daughter interrupted. “Mother? Mother Potato? Um, I, too, have an announcement to make.”

    “Yes?” said Mother Potato with great anticipation.

    “Well,” began the youngest Potato daughter with the same sheepish grin as her eldest sister before her, “I hope this doesn’t come as a shock to you, but I am getting married, as well!”

    “Really?” said Mother Potato with sincere excitement. “All of my lovely daughters married! What wonderful news! And who, pray tell, are you marrying, Youngest Daughter?”

    “I’m marrying Peter Jennings!”

    “Peter Jennings?!” Mother Potato scowled suddenly. “But he’s just a common tater!”

     

    🙄

    #1631575
    Profile photo of supergold
    supergold
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    Member since: May 9, 2009
    Topics: 56
    Replies: 7218

    How do court stenographers keep a straight face?

    These are from a book called “Disorder in the Court” and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

    _______________________________

    ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

    WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

    ____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

    WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

    ____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?

    WITNESS: July 18th.

    ATTORNEY: What year?

    WITNESS: Every year.

    _____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?

    WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.

    ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?

    WITNESS: Forty-five years.

    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?

    WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

    ____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

    WITNESS: He’s 20, very close to your IQ.

    _________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

    WITNESS: Are you sh*tting me?

    _________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

    WITNESS: Yes.

    ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

    WITNESS: Getting laid

    _________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

    WITNESS: Yes.

    ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

    WITNESS: None.

    ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

    WITNESS: Your Honor, I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

    _________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

    WITNESS: By death.

    ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

    WITNESS: Take a guess.

    _________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

    WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

    ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

    WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.

    _____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

    WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

    WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

    _________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: ALL of your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you attend?

    WITNESS: Oral.

    _________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

    WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.

    ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

    WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

    _________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

    WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

    WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

    ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

    WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law.

    Supergold-Wainuiomata

    #1631602
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    vale019
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    Member since: August 20, 2012
    Topics: 5
    Replies: 11747

    Thy Computers Sometimes Crash!
    ANON.

    If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
    and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort,
    and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort
    then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

    If  your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
    and the double-clicking  icon puts your window in the trash,
    and your data is corrupted cause the  index doesn’t hash,
    then your situation’s hopeless and your system’s gonna  crash!

    If  the label on the cable on the table at your house,
    says the network is  connected to the button on your mouse,
    but your packets want to tunnel to  another protocol,
    that’s repeatedly rejected by the printer down the  hall……

    And  your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
    so your icons in  the window are as wavy as a souse;
    then you may as well reboot and go out  with a bang,
    ‘cuz sure as I’m a poet, the sucker’s gonna  hang.

    When  the copy on your floppy’s getting sloppy in the disk,
    and the macro code instructions cause unwanted risk,
    then you’ll have to flash the  BIOS and you’ll want to RAM your ROM,
    just quickly turn the darn thing off and run to tell your Mom!

    Well,  that certainly clears things up for me.. How about  you?

    Thank  you, Bill Gates, for bringing all this into our lives

     

     

     

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