Jokes Collection

Your jokes...

What did one saggy man boob say to the other?
We'd better perk up or someone might think we're nuts!
Katherine Pearson - Waterloo, Wellington

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. 
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up everything inside is numbered."
The second surgeon responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians!Everything inside them is colour coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside is in alphabetical order,"
The fourth surgeon chimes in "you know, I like construction workers, those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end , and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, "you're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.  There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the butt are interchangeable."
Bill Groves - Hastings

I heard that Foxton is building a brand new zoo. So far they only have on animal, a dog. I hear it's a Shih Tzu.
Wendy - Foxton

Fred complained to his doctor that his wife had lost interest in sex.  The doc counselled him that it was a matter of preparation. "Next time you come home from the office, bring a bunch of flowers, greet her with a big kiss, sweep her off her feet and carry her upstairs to the bedroom.  You will be surprised."  On Fred's next visit he asked if it had worked. "Yes, indeed she was surprised," said Fred, "and so were al the members of the bridge club."
Mike Crosswell - West Auckland

There are two fish in a tank - one says to the other "you drive and I'll man the guns".
Liezl Pretorius - Whangaparaoa

A mother was driving with her three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in a convertible ahead of them stood up and waved.
She was stark naked! As the mother sat in the driver's seat, gasping from the shock she heard her five-year-old shout from the back seat, "mum that lady isn't wearing a seat belt".
Bill Groves - Hastings

Her Majesty the Queen was visiting a mental asylum, when she was distracted by a patient who seemed to be trying to capture her attention. "Is something the matter?" she asked the man.
"Your majesty," begged the patient, "please help me. There's been a terrible mistake. I've been committed to this place and I'm completely sane! I know this sounds a little extreme, but there really is a conspiracy against me. I've appealed to all the doctors here, but between them and my family, they're completely determined to keep me shut away here. But it's against my will! No-one will listen to me, and I've been waiting for your visit today in the hope that you will use your influence to get me out of here!"
Normally, in a situation like this, the Queen would smile politely and move on, but there was something about this man that made her sure he was speaking the truth. "Leave it with me," she said, "and I'll take it up with the proper authorities." And she moved on.
When she was some distance further on, a brick came whistling through the air and hit her head. "Don't you forget, now," warned the man.
Colin McKinley

A bear, a lion and a pig meet.
Bear says: "if I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering with fear."
Lion says: "if I roar in the jungle, the entire jungle is afraid of me."
Pig says: "big deal.... I only have to cough, and the entire planet shits itself."
Wendy Pemberton - Howick

What do you get if take 250 Navahos and 250 Sioux to a castrators?
The Indian knacker-less 500!
Billy Nolan - Birchville

An old timer in his 80s struggles to get up from the couch after reading an ad in the local paper. As he starts putting on his coat, his wife asks where are you going? I am going to the Doc he replied, She asks why are you sick, Nope , I am going to get some of that Viagra stuff. Immediately his wife starts to struggle out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat. Where the hell are you going he asks. I am going to the Doc too she replies. What do you need at the Docs he asks inquisitively. Well she says with her hands on her hips, if you are planning on using that rusty old thing again I am going for a tetanus shot.
Alan Dean - Christchurch

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.  One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.'  The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.'
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother...Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.  Her husband responds, 'They're twins ! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.
Mike Husband - Palmerston North

Angus Broon of Glasgow,Scotland, comes to the little lady of the house exclaiming, "Maggie, cud ya be sewin on a wee button that's come off of me fly? I can't button me pants."
"Oh Angus, I've got me hands in the dishpan, go up the stairs and see if Mrs. MacDonald could be helpin ya with it."
About 5 minutes later, there's a terrible crash, a bang, a bit of yelling and the sound of a body falling down the stairs.
Walking back in the door with a blackened eye and a bloody nose comes Angus. The little lady looks at him and says, "My god, what happened to ya? Did you ask her like I told you?"
"Aye," says Angus. "I asked her to sew on the wee button, an she did, everything was goin' fine but when she bent doon to bite off the wee thread,  Mr. MacDonald walked in!"
Raewyn and Jimmy Anderson - Napier

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'
Diane Webb

I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'  
Diane Webb

I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said,  'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for the custard.'
Diane Webb

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?  I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.'
Diane Webb

This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'
Diane Webb

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to  say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said 'I careered off the road'
Diane Webb

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.
Diane Webb

I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'
Diane Webb

A waiter asks a man, 'May I take your order, sir?' 'Yes,' the man replies. 'I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?'  'Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going  to die.'
Diane Webb

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents.  Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.   At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and his girlfriend meets him at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" she says. The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are already seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and Whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."  The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a Pharmacist."
Michelle Cleaver - Dunedin

The Lone Ranger & Tonto pulled into town after a hard three days ride across the desert.
The Lone Ranger was gagging for a beer, and when they both arrived at a saloon, the Lone Rangers' horse collapses with exhaustion...
"Tonto" said the Lone Ranger, "They won't serve alcohol to indians in the saloon, so while I go & have a beer to flush the dust out of my mouth, you run around my horse to cool him off."
After quite a few beers later, a stranger approached the Lone Ranger, "Say! Are you the Lone Ranger?" he asks.  "Yup!" replied LR, "What do you want?".  "Just thought I'd tell you", said the stranger, - "You left your injun running".
Pat 'Patster' Smith

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.  'What's the matter?' he asks.  'I have a case of anal glaucoma,' she says in a weak voice.  'What the hell is anal glaucoma?'  'I can't see my ass coming into work today.
Wendy Pemberton - Howick

What kind of wife can wash up with 1 hand, cook tea with the other, dust with 1 foot while opening a beer with her ass? Swiss Armywife
Michelle Cleaver - Dunedin

An old man goes into a drug store to buy some Viagra, "Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?"  '"I can cut them for you" said Dan the pharmacist, "but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection."
"I am 96" said the old man, "I don't want an erection, I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't piss on my slippers."
Michelle Cleaver - Dunedin

Defination of a happy man: daughter on cover of Vogue, Son on cover of Sports Mag, mistress on cover of Playboy and wife on cover of missing persons posters.
Michelle Cleaver - Dunedin

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them. Hellloooo...........just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year - that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!
Michelle Cleaver - Dunedin

Couple asleep, phone rings, hubby answers it. "nah, sorry mate this isn't a lighthouse,  you got wrong number". "Who was that?" asks wife, hubby replies "Sum idiot asking if the coast was clear"
Michelle Cleaver - Dunedin

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.  Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, 'Why are you eating grass?''We don't have any money for food,' the poor man replied.  'We have to eat grass.'
'Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you,' the lawyer said.  'But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.'  'Bring them along,' the lawyer replied.  Turning to the other poor man he stated, 'You come with us, also.'
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, 'But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!'  'Bring them all, as well,' the lawyer answered.  They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.  Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, 'Sir, you are too kind.'
'Thank you for taking all of us with you.'  The lawyer replied, 'Glad to do it.  'You'll really love my place.  'The grass is almost a foot high'
Marilyn Sharapoff - Dunedin

An old man goes to his doctor, complaining about a pain in his left leg that doesn't heal and wants a diagnosis and explanation. The doctor checks out his leg, but can't find anything wrong. So he gives the old guy a full physical exam, and still can't come up with any possible explanation for the pain.
The doctor hands the patient his bill and says, "I'm sorry, but the pain in your leg is simply caused by old age, there's nothing I can do about it."
The old man replies with a look of disbelief, "That's impossible! It is illogical! That just can't be!"
The doctor says, "What do you mean? I'm the expert here; if you know so much, how can you say it's NOT old age?"
The patient answers, "I'm no doctor, but it doesn't take a medical degree to tell that your diagnosis is wrong. Clearly you're mistaken. After all, my right leg feels just fine."
"So what?" says the doctor in a bit of a professional huff, "What difference does that make?"  "Well the right one doesn't hurt a bit, and it's exactly the SAME AGE!"

THE SETTING:   STARS IN THEIR EYES
Simon Barnett: Please give a warm welcome to our next act, George & William Green from Christchurch (In walks a young man pushing an elder man in a wheelchair)
Simon:  And you are...?
George: I'm George Green, a baker from Christchurch, and this is my uncle William, who also used to be a baker, until he had an accident, losing both his legs. It was very sad, we were coming home from a charity performance last winter, when our car stopped suddenly in snow on a rail crossing.
My uncle leapt out of the car, and seeing an on-coming train, tried furiously to push the vehicle clear, he got it moving just as the train approached, but slipped on the snow, under the wheels of the train, losing both legs. He was very brave and it was touch and go for a while, but he fought on to make a steady recovery. We're very proud of him, and I'm sure I owe him my life.
Simon:  Oh! That is very, very sad, I'm sure the audience will join me in wishing William well and to have a continued recovery.  So, who are you going to be tonight?
George:  Tonight Simon, we're going to be.....Simon & Halfunkel!
Pat 'Patster' Smith

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West  Australian coast. He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.
The next morning there's a knock at the door and he is  confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.  The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really  bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'.
'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first.'  The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is  dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little  cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she  was dead.'
The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this  and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together  and asks what the good news is.
The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to  her, so we've brought you your share.' He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays  and four or five crabs in it.
'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... so what's the other possible good news?'  'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and  young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!'
Josie Slack - Auckland

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better.' I now have a 20 yr-old bride who is pregnant with my child. 'So what do you think about that Doc ?'
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. 'I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.' One day he was setting off to go hunting.
In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.' 'As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.
He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favourite hunting rifle, and went 'bang, bang'..' 'Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.  Now, what do you think of that?' asked the doctor.  The 86-year-old said , 'Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.' The doctor replied, 'My point exactly'.
Michelle Cleaver - Dunedin

If you receive an email from the Department of Health telling you not to eat tinned pork because of swine flu....Ignore it - it's spam!
Glenn Horrex - Wanganui

A blonde walks into a bar. "Ouch"
Dan Greenfield - Hastings

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh
Tracey Pinny - Hamilton

A dyslexix man walks into a bra.
Tracey Pinny - Hamilton

This man and his friend were visiting after not seeing each other for a very long time. 'I just love your shoes', one man says to the other. 'Yes, they are crocodile shoes, I got them in Africa' he said. 'Man I have to have some of those', the other man said. And off he went to Africa to get himself some crocodile shoes. He got to this river and sought out the biggest crocodile. He fought with it and struggled a long time before at last he killed it. He threw the crocodile on the river bank and very dissapointed said, 'Just my luck, I found one with no shoes on!'
Carolina Geirnaert - Manukau
 
A group of ladies were out playing golf and one hit her ball way out and it hit a guy playing golf in front of them. The guy was bending over obviously in pain holding his hand between his legs to eeze the pain.  She came up to him and asked if she could help because she knew physio. She pulled down his fly and starts to massage him.  She asks the man, 'Is that better, does that feel good?'.  He replies, 'Oh yes, but I think my finger is still broken'.
Carolina Geirnaert - Manukau

A lady is on a train going on a long trip. She is very cold and she asks the conductor to please get her a blanket because she is freezing cold. The conductor says: Mam how would you like to be married for one day. She said yes that would be lovely. The conductor says: GET YOUR OWN BLANKET!
Carolina Geirnaert - Manukau

This husband is lying on his death bed. Suddenly he smells the aroma off fudge in the kitchen. He absolutely loves fudge so he stumbles out of bed and crawls to the kitchen. He saw the fudge on the table freshly baked/cooked and thought that he had to have some. He pulled himself up against the table and very tired took a piece of this yummy fudge. Suddenly his wifes is behind him and slaps him on the fingers to let the fudge go. She says: "leave the fudge alone, it's for the funeral!"
Carolina Geirnaert - Manukau

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.  The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
Natasha Kozik

The ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
Natasha Kozik

Police arrested two kids yesterday; one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
Natasha Kozik

A man walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. The bartender gives him his drink, accompanied by a bowl of peanuts.  To his surprise, a voice comes from the peanut bowl. "You look great tonight!" it said. "You really look fantastic... And that aftershave is just wonderful!"
The man is obviously a little confused, but tries to ignore it.
Realizing he has no cigarettes, he wanders over to the cigarette machine. After inserting his money, another voice emits from the machine. "You BASTARD... Oh my god you STINK... Do you know, you're almost as ugly as your mother."  By now, the man is extremely perplexed. He turns to the bartender for an explanation.  "Ah yes sir," the bartender responds, "The peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order."
Andrew Falloon - Wellington

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW when suddenly, a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!" he whined.
"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!"
"Oh my gaaad....," replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex???!!!!!
Michelle Cleaver - Dunedin

A collection of jokes we thought you might get a laugh from...

No Bull!

In The States, a DEA (Drug Enforcement Agency) Officer stops at a ranch in Texas and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, “I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.”
The rancher says, “OK, but don’t go in that field over there,” as he points out the location.

The DEA Officer verbally explodes, saying “Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.” Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. “See this? This badge means I am allowed to go whatever I wish… on ANY land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?”

The rancher nods politely, apologises and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher’s big Santa Gertrudis bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he’ll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.
“Your badge! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!”

A Nun and some Vodka 

John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drnk.

“You should be ashamed of yourself, young man! Drinking is a sin. Alcohol is the blood of the devil!” Now John gets pretty annoyed by this and gets on the offensive.
“How do you know this, sister?”
“My Mother Superior sold me so.”
“But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?”
“Don’t be ridiculous – of course I have never taken alcohol myself.”
“Then let me buy you a drink. If you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life.”
“How could I, a Nun, be seen to be drinking in this pub, young man?”
“I’ll get the barman to put it in a teacup so nobody will be the wiser.”
The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar.
“Another pint for me and a triple vodka on the rocks”, then he lowers his voice and says to the barman “and could you put the vodka in a teacup?”
“Oh no!  Not that bloody Nun again!”
 

The Most Powerful Liquid

A little boy was sitting on the footpath with a bottle of turpentine. He was shaking it up and watching the bubbles.

A Priest came along and asked the littler boy what he had.

The little boy said “This is the most powerful liquid in the world; it’s called Turpentine.”

The Priest said, “So, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you rub it on a pregnant woman’s belly, she’ll pass a healthy baby.”

The little boy replied “If you rub Turpentine on a cat’s bum, he’ll pass a Harley Davidson.” 

The Boss

Hung Chow calls into work and says, “Hey, I no come work today. I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt. I no come work.”

The boss says “You know something Hun Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.” Two hours later Hung Chow calls again.

“I do what you say and I feel great! I be at work soon… You got nice house.” 

What Did You Say?

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. Still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

“Nurse”, he mumbles from behind the mask. “Are my testicles black?” Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, “I don’t know sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet.” He struggles back to ask again, “Nurse are my testicles black?”

Concerned that he may elevate his vital from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testes in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, “There’s nothing wrong with them, Sir!”

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, “Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely…

Are… My… Test… Results… Back?” 

Beer! 

There’s a big conference of beer producers in Mangatainoka and at the end of the day all of the CEOs of all the beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar.

The boss of Budweiser orders a Bud, the boss of Heineken gets a Heiny and the boss of Fosters get a Fosters and so the list goes on. The waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink. “A coke” he replies.

The beer CEOs are shocked. “Why don’t you order a Guinness?” his colleagues enquire.
“Nah. If you guys aren’t drinking beer, I won’t either.”

Rich Man, Poor Man

John found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, so he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. One evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

“I may look like just an ordinary man” he said as he walked up to her, “but in just a short while my father will die and I’ll inherit $20 million.”

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother. 

Why You Don’t Cheat On A Hillbilly!

In Kentucky, a hillbilly’s wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With super-human strength born of fury and cutting firewood, she dragged him down the stairs, out the backdoor and into the tool shed out the back of the barn.

She put his Johnson in a vice and then secured it tightly, removing the handle. Next she picked up an old carpenter’s saw. The banged up hillbilly was terrified and hollered “Stop! Stop! You’re not gonna cut it off with that rusty saw, are ya?”

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband’s hand and said “Nope. I’m gonna set this old shed on fire and go to town for a cold beer. You do whatever you want.”

Four Guys, Two Bridges

Seamus and Paddy are walking through the countryside, they meet two blokes, one has a big bag of freshly caught salmon. The other has a long length of rope. Seamus says “Hi fellas, where did ya get dat fish from den?”
The bloke replies “About a mile in that direction, you’ll find a bridge. I tied the rope around my waist, my mate lowered me over the bridge and I grabbed the salmon as they tried to swim upstream. Then I shout to my mate who pulls me back up when the bag is full.”
“Tanks fellas” says Seamus. “We gotta try dat Paddy!” The blokes offer the length of rope and a spare bag to the Irish pair who start walking. After 2 miles they discover a bridge. 30 minutes by and Paddy hears Seamus shouting. “Quick Paddy, pull me back up.” Paddy shouts back “Why? ‘ave you got a full bag? Were the two blokes right? Did ya catch all the fish in dat dere stream?”
“Not yet but pull me up quick cause there’s a train comin’!” 

The Biggest Fan

There was once this boy who was absolutely obsessed with tractors. He had tractor wall-paper, tractor themed bed-sheets and countless toy tractors. That boy eventually grew up to be a man, still obsessed with tractors. One day his wife tells him that she’s had enough of the ridiculous obsession and she leaves him.

He suddenly realises that he’s let tractors become his life, and he immediately books himself into a psychiatrist to sort out his problem. After a good few sessions, he feels like a new man; no loner having the lingering obsession with tractors. So one day, he’s walking down the road when he sees a flat on fire.

He runs up the stairs to the flat and sure enough, there’s a woman standing by the window, screaming and surrounded by flames. So he takes one deep breath and breathes in all the smoke and the flames from the room. After this extraordinary feat, the woman says “How the hell did you do that?”
He replied “I’m an ex-tractor fan.”

'Big People' Words

A group of children were trying very hard to become accustomed to Nursery. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk! You need to use ‘Big People’ words” she was always reminding them.
She asked John what he had done over the weekend. “I went to visit my Nana.”
“No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use ‘Big People’ words.”
She then asked Mitchell what he had done. “I took a ride on a choo-choo.”
“No” she replied, “You took a ride on a train. You must remember use ‘Big People’ words.” She then asked Alex what he had done.
“I read a book” he replied.
“That’s wonderful Alex. What did you read?” Alex thought very hard about his reply, then puffed out his chest with pride and exclaimed “Winnie the CRAP!”

American Management

The Americans and Japanese decided to engage in a boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance levels. On the big day, they felt ready. The Japanese won by a mile.

The American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommend corrective action.
The consulting firm’s finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering; The American team had one person rowing and eight people steering. After a year of study and millions spent analysing the problem, the consultant firm concluded that too many people were steering and not enough were rowing on the American team. So as race day neared again the following year, the American’s team management structure was completely reorganised.

The new structure: four steering managers, three area steering managers, a new performance review system for the person rowing to provide a monetary work incentive. The next year, the Japanese won by TWO miles!
Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem. 

An Explanation of Cricket 

You have two sides, one out in the field and one in.

Each man that's in the side that's in goes out and when he's out he comes in and the next man goes in until he's out.

When they are all out, the side that's out comes in and the side that’s been in goes out and tries to get those coming in, out.

Sometimes you get men still in and not out.

When a man goes out to go in, the men who are out try to get him out, and when he is out he goes in and the next man in goes out and goes in.

There are two men called umpires who stay out all the time and they decide when the men who are in are out.

When both sides have been in and all the men are out, and both sides have been out twice after all the men have been in, including those who are not out, that is the end of the game.

Little Johnny

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.
Molly put her hand and said, 'My family went to my grandad's farm. It was fascinating.'
The teacher said 'That was good but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.
Sally raised her hand. She said "My family went to see Te Papa and I was 'fascinated'.
The teacher said "Well, that was good also Sally but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate'."
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.
Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight."
 

Mexican Maid
  
Our Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. My wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise. She asked, “Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?”
Maria answered, “Well, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.”
The wife was outraged. “Who said you iron better than me?”
“Your husband said so…” Maria argued. “The second reason is that I am
a better cook than you.”
 “Nonsense” said the wife “Who said you were a better cook than me?”
“Your husband did” replied Maria. “My third reason is that I am a better lover than you…”
The wife now furious shot back “Did my husband say that as well?”
“No Senorita. The gardener did.”
The wife paused for a moment. “So how much do you want?”

Heavy Diagnosis

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. “Can you have a look at him” he says, “I think he’s cross eyed.” So the vet picks him up, inspects, pokes and prods the dog. He looks into the dog’s eyes and says
“I’m going to have to put him down.”
“What? Just because he’s cross-eyed?”
“No” replied the vet. “Because he’s heavy.” 

Slappers and Rugby Players

A man walks up to a boy working in a shop in Kiribilli, Sydney and says “I would like half a head of lettuce”.
The boy turned to the man and said “we only sell full heads here, sir.”
Furious, the man demanded the boy confront the manager about it so the boy went to the manager and said, “Boss there’s some grumpy, old bugger who wants to buy a half a head of lettuce.”
Realising the man was stood directly behind him, the boy soon added “and this gentleman would like to buy the other half…”

Later that day the manager approached the boy and said “I liked how you handled that situation earlier, we like people like you here. Where are you from?”
“New Zealand” the boy replied.
“New Zealand?” said the boss “Why did you leave there?”
The boy looked at the manager and said “Well, there’s nothing there except slappers and rugby players.”
“Is that right?” said the boss. “My wife’s from New Zealand.”
“Really?” asked the boy, “And what position did she play?”

Aussie Beggars 

Bruce is an Aussie beggar and Trevor is a Kiwi beggar. They both live in Sydney and beg in different parts of Bondi.

Bruce begs just as long as Trevor but only collects $2 - $3 each day. Trevor on the other hand, brings home suitcases full of $10 notes, drives a Mercedes and lives freehold in a huge house and has a lot of money to spend.

Bruce says to Trevor "I work just as long and hard as you but how do you bring home a suitcase of $10 notes every day?"

Trevor says, "Look at your sign, what does it say?"
"I have no work, a wife and six kids to support."
"No wonder you only get a few dollars a day" replied Trevor.
"Ok then, what does your sign say?"
"It reads 'I only need another $10 to move back to New Zealand'!" 

Dirty Old Man?

An elderly man in Queensland had owned a large property for several years. He had a lake in one of the lower paddocks where he had planted mango and avocado trees. The lake had been fixed up for swimming when it was built and he also had some picnic tables placed there in the shade of the fruit trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the lake to look it over as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a ten litre bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the lake, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his lake. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the lake naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm just here to feed the crocodile."
 

A Mouse and an Elephant

A little mouse turned up and said to Papa Elephant “Papa Elephant please let me make love to Mama Elephant.”
Papa Elephant said “Don’t be silly, you’re only a little mouse, you’ll never be able to satisfy Mama Elephant. It’s impossible.”
The little mouse continued to plead with Papa Elephant assuring him that he could make love to Mama Elephant, until finally Papa said “Okay!”
So the little mouse started to do the deed, when suddenly a monkey in the Palm Tree dropped a coconut on Mama Elephant’s head. She groaned and moaned and the little mouse thinking he was giving her pleasure said “Sorry, I’m not hurting you, am I?”
 

Gifted Indian

A film crew is on location in the Arizona desert. One day an old Indian goes up to the director and says “Tomorrow rain”. The next day it rains. Next day the Indian goes up to the director and says, “Tomorrow, storm” and the next day there is a hail storm. The director is impressed and hires the Indian to predict the weather. However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian doesn’t show up for two weeks. Finally, the director sends for him.
“I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow” he says. “What will the weather be like?”
The Indian shrugs his shoulders and says, “Don’t know. Radio, broken.” 

Great Barber, Bad Movie Critic

Johnny wanted to look suave for the local dance so he slipped into the local barber shop. “I want a Tony Curtis haircut.” So Taffy started trimming around the back of his head with the clippers. Then he started going higher and higher with them till Johnny started to get a bit worried. But like most barbers, this one had verbal diarrhoea and was yapping non-stop about movies and movie stars.

“Yeah I like Tony Curtis!” he said as he continued trimming further up and up. “Wasn’t he great in The King and I?!” 

Golf Balls 

While sitting on a bus on his way to the tennis courts, a young man caught the attention of a blonde woman who was starring at his crotch which was budging. "They're gold balls" he explained after some time.
The blonde continued to stare and thought. And thought. And thought. Not being able to contain her curiosity any longer she asked, "Does that hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

Bag Lady

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her and says, “Ma’am, there are $40 bills falling out of your bag.”
“Oh really? Damn!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thank you for telling me.”
“Well, now, not so fast” says the cop. “How did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”

“Oh, no” says the little old lady. “You see, my backyard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I say ‘$20 or off it comes.’

“Well, that seems only fair” laughs the cop. “Ok, good luck! Oh, and by the way… what’s in the other bag?”
“Well” says the little old lady, “not everyone pays up.”
 

Be Positive

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:  

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"  

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."  

"Don't go any further. I know that place.  Everybody thinks it’s gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other are people trying to see him.  He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."  

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.  

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5million remodelling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."  

"Oh, really!  What'd he say?"    
He said: "Who buggered up your hair?"

Scottish Water

A man's cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland burn. Gamekeeper shouts "Dinnae drink thon water min, its foo o' coo's Shite 'n pish".
Man replies "My good fellow, I'm English ...repeat that in English".
Gamekeeper replies "I said use both hands - you get more that way!"

A Tale of Two Sisters 

Two sisters lived on a farm that bred cattle. One day, their prize bull died quite suddenly. One sister turns to the other and says I'm going to take the bus into town to the market. Once I've bought the new bull, I'll send you a telegram to tell you and you can come in the truck to pick us up." The sister agrees and the other went to the market.
She took ₤100 with her and soon found a wonderful bull, perfect for breeding. "how much?" she asks. "₤99.99" replied the seller. The woman thinks this is a bit much, besides, she'll have to send a telegram to her sister.

But, she desperately wants this bull. So she pays and goes into the office to send her sis the message.

"Now love," the office master says "It's 1p per word". The lady only has 1p left but after a moment's thought she decides to send her sister a one-word telegram. She puts 'Comfortable".
The master asks "will she understand?"
The lady smiles and says "My sister is blonde, she'll read it slowly."
 

Paddy The Lumberjack

Paddy goes for a job as a lumberjack.
The head lumberjack tells Paddy to chop down three trees in the woods. After cutting down the trees, Paddy returns just one minute later.
The lumberjack says to Paddy "Where the heck did you learn to cut dwn trees that fast?"
Paddy says "The Sahara Forest."
"Don't you mean the Sahara Desert?" replied the lumberjack.
Paddy says "Oh, is that what they're calling it now?" 

New Spielberg

Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action-packed docu-drama about famous composers starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segal, Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present. Spielberg strongly desired the box office 'oomph' of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they would portray, as long as they were very famous.

"Well" started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him." "Chopin has always been my favourite and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano" said Willis "I'll play him."
"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes" said Segal "I'd like to play him."

Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid."
Then, looking at Schwarznegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnie?"
So Arnie opens his mouth and says "I'll be Bach." 

The Helper 

Recently a routine Police patrol car parked outside a local neighbourhood pub. Late in the evening, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car, which he then fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night), then flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward an inch, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.

At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The Police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over, and carried out a random breathalyser test. To his amazement, the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man's intoxication.

The Police officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station - this breathalyser equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it bro'," said the man, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

They're Here To Help 

"Hello, is this the Police?"
"Yes it is, how can we help?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbour, Simon. I don't like to snitch but I've seen him hiding what appears to be cocaine inside his firewood!"
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

Early the next morning, Police officers descend on Simon's house in great numbers. They search the house and then go out to the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of firewood but they find no cocaine. Frustrated, the officers leave. The phone rings at Simon's house.
"Hey Simon, did the cops come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they cut up your firewood?"
"Yeah!"
"Happy Birthday bro." 

The Mike Reid Shaggy Dog Joke 

Two guys meet up in a bar. The first one asks "Did you hear the news? Mike Reid is dead!"
"Whoa, what the hell happened to him?" The second guy asked.
"Well, he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and BOOM - He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof. He went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."
"What a way to go..."
"Oh no, that didn't kill him. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in blood and broken glass on the floor. In his weak condition, he spots my big antique wardrobe we have in the room and he reaches up for the handle to try and pull himself up. He's just dragged his way up to get upright when BANG - the massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him and flattens him completely, breaking most of his bones."
"Oh, that's an awful way to die..."

"Oh no, he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up the banister but under his weight, the  banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him."
"Now, THAT is a most unfortunate way to go" the man at the bar comments.
"Oh, it would've been, but that didn't kill him. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove but instead knocks a boiling pot of water that spills on top of him, burning most of his skin off."
"What a dreadful end" the man commented.

"No, no, he survived that! So he's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and because he's wet from the boiling water, gets shocked with 10,000 volts!"
"That is dreadful; electrocution must be such a painful death."
"Oh no, that didn't kill him..."
"Well hold on a minute! Just what in the hell did kill him?"
"I shot him!"
"You shot him? Why the hell did you do that?"
"He was wrecking my house!" 

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