The true definition of a grandparent is the parent of a child’s parent. In today’s society, more and more grandparents are stepping in as parents because their son or daughter is unwilling or unable to give their child proper care. While this situation may be better off for the well being of the child, both the grandparent and the child lose something in the process.
Children can learn quite a lot from their grandparents if both parties are in their traditional roles. They can spend quality time together and form a deep and lasting bond because the grandparent is able to treat the grandchild as an equal. But this equation changes as the grandparent becomes the parent. He is now the authority figure in the child’s life and may even had to come out of retirement to provide for the child. As for spending quality time with the child, there is a good reason that as human beings we have our children when we are younger. The grandparent may not have the stamina to work and spend time with the child. The chance to form that special bond between the grandparent and the grand child has disappeared.
Psychologically speaking, returning to being a parent figure after so many years can also put extra stress on the grandparent. These older people do not have the patience or the tolerance to raise another child, and may be dealing with feelings of guilt because of the anger that they feel towards their own child for placing them in this position. The child may also be dealing with feelings of abandonment, which the grandparent is trying to cope with also. Basically, it is an emotional time bomb that could explode at any moment and the grandparent may not have the strength to defuse the situation. All these volatile feelings can also block the way to the grandparent and grandchild having a normal relationship.
If as a grandparent you find yourself in the position as parent to your grandchild, there are several things that you can do to make the situation as easy as possible. First, you should take care of your health. You have someone else depending on you now and you can’t afford to end up sick or in the hospital.
You may also want to take some parenting courses at a local school or online. It may have been quite a few years since you were a parent and the issues faced by today’s youth may have you at a loss. You can also check for support groups for grandparents in the role of parents. These other older adults may give you some insight into the child’s feelings and reactions.
You may also want to consider counselling for both you and your grandchild. You are both dealing with a lot of strong emotions, you towards your child and your grandchild towards his parent. By going through therapy together, you may find that it will create a bond between you and your grandchild. It may also make him feel better to know that you are just as confused as he is.
Finally, you should see an attorney to discover how you can obtain any legal documentation that your grandchild may need as well as starting permanent custody arrangements.
Transforming from a grandparent to a parent is not an easy situation for any of the parties concerned. You should keep talking to your grandchild and show him that you love and support him while both of you are making the transition. After all, the two of you are in it together and you may be surprised to discover that you both make a pretty good team.
Sharon - 12 years ago
Im a Grandparent Raising a Grandchild. There is a very good Organisation in Nz called GRG or Grandparents raising Grandchildren and I urge any of you who are in this role to join and find out all the info that can help and support you in this role. There are advocates working for GRG that can help you with advice Field Officers are:
Sharon Lee: Extention 2
A practising counsellor for 25 years.
Sharon has specific experience in working with families and the challenges of parenting, including children who have experienced trauma and issues of grief/loss for grandparents/kin carers and their families, sibblings of the orginal parents of the children in their care. She can also assist with family Groups Conference where practicable or offer advice. Ph 09 419 0045 (Auckland callers) 11am – 5pm week days
Nola Adams: Extension 3
Telephone advice can be given on the following topics Justice and Prison system, including Youth Court, Family Court applications: for persons wishing to self-represent: Child Youth and Family representation where practicable/advice. Disability advice and the Schooling system. Ph 06 845 3141
Diana East: Extension 4
In-depth knowledge on issues impacting on grandparents raising grandchildren; has many years working with mental health consumers and carers, this gives her a very good understanding of a wide range of mental health issues. She has worked in policy making in Australia with COTA. Hours 9am – 5pm week days Ph 04 970 8177
Tricia Corin: Extension 5
Tricia has been a member of GRG for 10 years and also works as a Beneficiary Advocate. If you are having problems with your Benefits from Work and Income or are unsure if you are on the right Benefit, needing advice on UCB or DPB, Disabilities Allowance or recoverable and non recoverable advances: Hours 11 – 5pm week days. Ph 07 8685490
Also the GRG Conference is on in Auckland on 16 and 17th of this month (November 2011) and there will no doubt still be tickets available to interested parties. Im going just to glean as much new info and advice that I can that might help me with my new role.
Cheers Sharon