Stand By Me

Anxiety and depression are illnesses of the modern world. Society is changing and evolving at a breakneck pace in the developed world, and with it, the prevalence of mental illness. Anxiety and depression are separate illnesses, but all too often, anxiety leads to depression, which can lead to a whole new set of issues to deal with.

John Kirwan (JK to most of us, even though we haven’t met him) has been extremely open and generous about sharing his own experience of depression and his journey to wellness. His first book, All Blacks Don’t Cry, outlined his personal struggles and successes. Now, as a devoted (and scared) father of teenagers, he has released a second book, Stand By Me, a guide to helping parents of anxious and depressed teenagers, and the kids themselves.

“When I say I’m a dad and I’m scared, it means just that, I don’t have all the answers,” says JK. “But anxiety and depression is happening, and we need to talk about it and learn to parent for it.

“It’s a modern disease. As kids ourselves, we took on the world blind. Now our kids have so much information, so much technology, and we don’t always understand what they are going through. I wrote Stand by Me (with the help of experts Elliot Bell and Kirsty Louden-Bell)  to help change the way we parent children with anxiety, depression and mental illness and hep create change.’

Stand By Me comes with a huge list of resources for parents, but more importantly, JK enlisted a group of teenagers to talk about their experiences, and what they needed from their parents.

“That group of kids (from Auckland’s Mt Albert Grammar School) taught me some of the biggest lessons,” he says. “They talked about how much they need to talk to their parents, but not necessarily in the way that parents expect. They also need their parents to listen, and not judge, and to be available when they are ready to talk, not necessarily as soon as they walk in the door.”

“I believe we need to teach about mental health in schools,” he says. “We have to talk about it, like we talk about puberty, and maths, and social studies. We need to show our kids that they are not alone, and there are strategies that help. I’ve been there myself, and I know it is possible to get well and live a great life.”

As a former All Black, current Super 15 coach and role model, his words hold weight, but he was quickly shown the error of his ways by the MT Albert Grammar students when he tried to use ‘their’ language. I went in and said hi like the Blues players do,” he says, “but for the kids, that was awkward. I’m 50, I can’t do that in their eyes. 

“Parenting is the same, it has to morph as they kids grown and the issues change.”

Stand By Me is written in a matter of fact, easy to read way and offers practical tips, advice and anecdotes throughout. Anxiety and depression faces an alarming number of 13-18 years olds, but identifying and treating it swiftly means that they can go on to live their lives armed with strategies that will lead them towards wellness and keep them there.

It takes, work, patience and enormous commitment at times to help those suffering from anxiety and depression. The book also speaks to these issues, the impact it can have on entire families and how to get through.

Stand By Me is out in book stores and online now. Even if your children aren’t currently anxious or depressed, it’s a thought-provoking book, which stresses the importance of communication, and teaches parents how to guide their children in a loving and constructive way.