Honestly, sometimes neglect and forgetfulness help us cope as parents. That of course, is one of those deliberately misleading statements that’s meant to capture your attention – and now I can explain what I really mean.
By neglect I mean you don’t have to react to everything they do. Children make mistakes, break things, disappoint you and even break your heart. They have to – they are human. Sometimes we should respond in ways to help them make better choices next time (which is my definition of discipline), but other times it’s better to just respond with a sympathetic sigh. “Oh dear. I know: you didn’t mean to. Never mind.”
And by forgetful I mean, get over it. They will offend us, especially in adolescence. It might be appropriate to respond and use discipline, but get past it. If you have a big blow up, make sure the thermostat gets reset. Cool down and say something like; “That was awful before. I was mad, you were mad too, but I’m not mad now. You’re still not getting your X-box back til Saturday, but I do love you.”
Grudges and resentment serve absolutely no purpose. Let kids know you still expect the best of them, and not that you are constantly expecting them to fail and disappoint you.
Parenting takes grace. I remember being told that if you want companionship, responsiveness and obedience, get a dog because for long stretches of parenting, especially during their adolescence, not much comes back to you in the way of affection. That’s tough, but that’s normal. They probably don’t know how to respond to you at the moment. Just keep up a pleasant, gracious barrage of interest and love, and the thaw will come.
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