Lose the Argument, Not the Person

It’s old gag, “I married Miss Right, I just didn’t realise her first name was Always,” but one that often elicits groans of agreement among friends.

As humans, we like to be right. We feel supported and validated when people agree with us, and conversely, often silly and marginalised if not. However, being right is not a right, and certainly not something you should strive for at the expense of your relationships.

Learn to fight fair

In all relationships, conflict is inevitable and potentially healthy. It is said that a relationship without conflict is one where there is a lot being withheld. Now, that’s not to say that excessive conflict means that everything is good; far from it! 

Couples, families and friends should be able to constructively disagree and debate issues and learn from it. An argument in which someone has to be ‘right’ is unhealthy and can damaged the relationship concerned irreparably.

Next time you encounter conflict, ponder these points;

– Is it more important for you to be right than to lose/abuse the person you are arguing with?

– What did you do to contribute to the conflict (if you can’t answer this one, you may be the problem! There are always two contributors to a conflict).

– What could you do to de-escalate this argument right now? (walking away is seldom a good idea, try refocusing on the issue, not personal attacks).

– Are you being inflammatory? (Statements that begin “You always,” or “You never,” are not helpful).

– Is it really important to be right in this moment or are you being a bit of a bully?

– Clarify the issue; we all have triggers – for some it is being called a name, or being shouted at, or being put in a certain situation. These triggers can cause you to react more strongly that the situation requires. If you feel yourself getting angry; clarify. “I’m hearing that you….” Or “this makes me feel…” Give the other person the opportunity to explain; many conflicts are born of misunderstandings. 

Learn to apologise and accept an apology

A heartfelt apology rarely falls on deaf ears. 

There are lots of sneaky ways not to apologise – “I’m sorry if you think I …” is not a sincere apology. “If you take it personally, it’s not my fault,” is another cop out. 

A real apology will not come with excuses, “I’m sorry I yelled but you made me so mad…”

If someone you care enough to argue with is upset, accept your part in it. “I’m sorry I criticised your family, that was unnecessary.” “I apologise for shouting, I know it brings up bad memories.”

If someone apologises to you

Accept that it is genuine. Don’t question it, or use it as an opportunity to give a lecture. Think about how you feel when you apologise; you want to resolve the issue, not reignite it.

If further discussion is required, give it time. Maybe later in the day, say, “hey thanks for apologising before, it was really good of you. To avoid the situation another time, how about…?” and offer a practical solution.

People we love are important. Never let your need to be right overshadow them.