THE THREE (PC) PIGS

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Once upon a time there were three vertically challenged pigs. Although small in stature, it must be acknowledged that this in no way put limitations on their abilities to lead meaningful and successful lives. A caring welfare system had throughout their lives always been attentive to their special needs; and where necessary the system saw to it that with a roof over their head and food on the table, life for the vertically challenged pigs was indeed good.

It was almost overnight that their seemingly happy and contented lifestyle came to an abrupt end following the United Kingdoms’ integration into the European Union; and the authorities decision to allow an immigrant family consisting of two parents, four aging grandparents (although a trifle doddery, three of them still had their own teeth), nine children of mixed ethnicity, and a menagerie that included a three legged dog, a pregnant cat, and an assortment of chooks that included a crowing rooster. Their needs were considered to be more wanting than the three pigs.

The three vertically challenged pigs thereby made the decision to build a home. This was to be their masterpiece, and they decided that due consideration would be given to the surrounding environment, and the ability to recycle anything and everything; with the knowledge that their wee home would create a sustainability that would forever remind them that they were in their way doing their bit towards global warming.

A house of sticks seemed to be the logical way to go. Sticks were readily available from the surrounding woods, unlike the denigration of the now diminishing rain forests around the world that were being vandalized to make way for cattle grazing for the beef required for fast food takeaways. And so it was that they built their home from sticks that had naturally parted company from the mother tree (absolutely no trees were felled). The Good Lord also supplied them with a never ending supply of mud, due to the El Nimo climate that had bathed the countryside in a never ending deluge of rain.

Unbeknown to the pigs, a wily wolf had taken up residence in a wood that was not too far from the house of sticks. He had been forced to leave an area where its people had opted for alternate life styles, and where the consumption of meat would bring the wrath of the locals down on any person or animal who chose to desecrate any animal or beast.

For the purpose of this story we will call the wolf – Wilfred. It would be unfair to generalize on a specific species, as one cannot assume that all wolves are carnivorous and have the urge to kill for the sake of survival. However, it soon became clear that Wilfred was wolf like in temperament, and there was for him the realization that within the stick walls of the pig’s house there were porkies galore for the taking. So - he staked out the stick house until he could be sure that all three pigs were inside. Then, standing on his hind legs and with his front paws beating his chest he bellowed in a loud voice, “Little pigs, little pigs let me in”. From inside a voice was heard to yell, “Leave us alone you lecherous carnivorous beast, we will not allow your size to be advantageous to our safety and wellbeing. Besides which we have all been diagnosed with porkublumonia, and should you sink your teeth into our tender flesh, your testicles will shrivel up, your innards will turn to mush, and you will die a horrible death.

Feeling somewhat sheepish the wolf retreated to rethink his next move. The three pigs however realized that they had had a close shave, and decided to speculate on a second house in the hope that their newly learned building skills may help them to construct a house of straw. Once again in their tiny hamlet they were able to obtain enough straw (recycled) and mud (El Mino again) to build a second home. And so it was with a feeling of achievement that the three pigs took up residence in their new environmentally friendly home.

Hoping that the three pigs with their new venture had dismissed him from their mind, Wilfred waited for the right moment to approach the straw house. “Little pigs, little pigs let me in” he shouted. A voice from within rendered forth. “Your superiority and
arrogance will in no way allow us to feel that our lack of height, agility and speed will in any way compromise our safety”. “Should you catch our vile disease having previously been warned, you can be assured that ‘Medicare’ will not come to your assistance. Angry and feeling somewhat ‘almost’ but not quite defeated, Wilfred sort shelter in a quiet copse in the woods.

That evening the three pigs reflected on their two lucky escapes. Both the stick and the straw houses would give them the shelter required, however, they had not taken into consideration a wily and determined wolf. And so the decision was made. They would build a house of bricks that would be both solid and upright – and safe from predators.

They learned that their local pub, “The Rose & Crown” was to be demolished. New laws that forbid smoking in the confines of the pub, and a restaurant that allowed only nutritious meals made with local produce had seen the demise of the old favourites that the patrons had loved without a care for expanding waistlines and bad cholesterol. And so it was that the pub was demolished to make way for a Vegetarian Café. This of course made available a stack of bricks that would be ideal for the three pigs’ brick house.

When compared to the sticks and straw of their previous homes, the three pigs felt confident that their new brick home would suffice their everyday needs. However, on the day of completion whilst celebrating their achievement – a familiar voice was heard outside. “Little pigs, little pigs let me in”. The three pigs now overwhelmed with confidence took up their positions at the front of the house. “Not by the chinny chin chin, we will not let you in” they shouted. “Then I’ll huff and I’ll puff, and I’ll blow your house down” shouted Wilfred. Ah’ but too late. The huffing and the puffing aimed at a brick house proved to be too much for the now aging wolf with a dickey ticker. With a last gasp the wolf dropped dead, leaving the three pigs to ponder as to how they could recycle a senile old wolf named Wilfred.

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