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Leg Pains
One Good Reason
The Christmas Spirit
Dust to Dust
Angel on the Christmas Tree
Cross-Eyed Dog
Strange Illness
I Can Explain
Across the Border
National Beer Conference
Work Experience
Christmas Shopping
Mum's Cooking
Collision Course
A New World
The Secret To A Happy Life
How to Break the Habit
Good Memory
Big John's A-Comin'
Young Businessman
Strong Man
The Perfect Mate
Playing House
Mental Health
Like Fine Wine
A Big Glass of Water
Safety Mongoose
Where I Have and Have Not Been
One Wish Each
Noise Restrictions
The Farmer's Son
What Chance
Two of Those
Dining at the Zoo
Unorthodox Methods
What Can They Do?
The Problem with Beans
The Young Accountant
A Good Team
Old Rancher
An Issue of Hygiene
Breaking the Habit
Life in 2011
Grounded
A Quick Nap
Rejection Letter
Unusual Runway
Shifty Thief
They've Been Trained
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The Real Secret to a Happy Marriage
Red Lights
Which Tire?
Remote Control
City Council Job
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The Millionaire
Two Blind Men
Ticket Please
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10 Office Rules
The Ten Most Wanted Men
Strange
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Penguins Go to the Zoo
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Fast, Very Fast
Hiring Manager
Slow Down
Payday
Ever Wonder
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Differences Between You and Your Boss
All in the Family
A Long Hot Bath
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Drunk Driver
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I Already Paid
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Listening to the Ground
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The Surprised Drunk
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The Smartest Dog Ever
Things Found Only in America
Three Old Men
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Will you be my Friend?
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by davi0007 24th May 2011
A Cow, an Ant and an Old Fart
A Cow, an Ant and an Old Fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.
The Cow: I give 20 litres of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!!
The Ant: I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!!
Why are you scrolling down?
It's your turn to say something ...
An englishman a irishman and a kiwi were travelling in the outback of Australia when there car broke down.The englishman Says I say old chaps I think I will grab the water its awfully hot here and we will get rather thirsty wot wot. The Kiwi decides to take the mobile phone so he can alert the search and rescue people they need rescuing.The irishman not wanting to be outdone decides to take the car door.The Kiwi and the englishman ask why on earth are you taking the car door in witch the irishman replies. Well when it gets really hot I just have to wind the window down to cool us off.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin,
Orders three pints of Guinness & sits in the corner of the room,
Drinking a sip out of each pint in turn.
When he had finished all three, He went back to the
bar & ordered three more.
The barman says, "You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it
................................. Your pint would taste better if you bought one
at a time."
Patrick replies, "Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America ;
& de odder in Australia ; & here I am in Dublin .
When we all left home, we promised dat we'd drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder."
The barman admits that this is a nice custom & says no more.
Patrick becomes a regular customer, & always drinks the same way
Ordering three pints & drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are finished.
One day, he comes in & orders just two pints.
All the other regulars in the bar notice! & fall silent.
When he goes back to the bar for the second round,
The barman says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my
condolences on your great loss"
Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops & he starts to laugh,
"Oh no," he says, "Bejesus, everyone is fine!
"Tis me,
I've Quit Drinking!"
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little.
Thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg she tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more. And for the second time attempted the step.
Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
About this time, a large Texan, who was standing behind her, picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled,
'How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'
The Texan smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you. But after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we were friends
A real Australian joke!
A Northern Territory farm hand (an Aboriginal) radios back to the farm manager.
"Boss, I gotta helluva problem here.
I hit a pig with the Ute..
The pig's OK, but he's stuck in the bull bar at the front of my Ute and is wriggling and squealing so much I can't get him out."
The manager says, "Ok, there's a ....303 rifle behind the seat.
Take it; shoot the pig in the head and you'll be able to remove him."
Five minutes later the farm hand calls back, "I did what you said Boss.
Took the 303, shot the pig in the head and removed him from the bull-bar.
No problem there, but I still can't go on."
"Now what's the problem?" raged the Manager.
"Well boss, it's his motorbike.
The flashing blue light is stuck under the right-front wheel arch."
"You there Boss???..."
Please God, grant me a slim body and a big fat bank account, and please God, don't mix them up like you did last year!
A blonde wanted to earn some money and decided to hire herself out as a handyman in a wealthy neighbourhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her.
“Well can you paint my porch. How much will you charge?” The blonde said about $50. The man showed her where the paint and ladders were and left her to do the job.
A short time later the blonde came back to the door to collect her money.
“You’ve finished already?” he replied. “Yes,” said the blonde, “and I had paint left over so I gave it two coats.” The man was impressed and reached to give her the $50. “And by the way,” the blonde added, “that’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari.”
A rough looking old man knocked on the door of a Fine Dining restaurant. Was told we, we don't serve your type here. On producing a wad of notes, was entered and hidden behind a screen.From the menu he ordered a dozen of their finest raw oysters on ice. whe finished, the waiter returned to remove his plate, only to see that one still remained. On enquiring the old man remarked "it's off". There is no such thing as an "off", oyster in this restaurant.The argument continued "it's not, it is , it's not, it is" untill the waiter finaly stops.I'll prove it he said and proceeded to swallow the oyster. there now that was perfect. You are a better man than I am said the old man,-------thee times I swallowed that oyster, and three times it came back up.
I was staying at the local hotel and was downstairs in the bar when I noticed a guy going up to the bar a few times in the evening. Each time he purchased a drink he called the barman donkey. After the third time of calling him donkey, I wandered up to the bar to get another drink. "Say, that fella is a bit rude calling you donkey all the time! Why does he call you that?" I asked him. He gazed at me for a moment before he replied. "He aw.., he aw.., he always call me that!"
There were three redneck friends called Bubba, Gomer and Darryl. One day Gomer and Darryl got word that Bubba had been burnt to death in a fire and that they were required to identify the body.
Darryl went in to view the body and he spent some time looking over it before asking them to turn the body over. "No, that aint Bubba," he declared. "Bubba got two assholes!"
"Two assholes!"
"Yeah!" said Darryl. "You ask Gomer."
So Gomer was called in to look at the body. "Shazam, that kinda look like Bubba," Gomer said. "Can you turn him over? No, that aint Bubba. Bubba got two assholes."
"What do you mean Bubba got two assholes?"
"Well," said Gomer. "Every time we went up town with Bubba, everyone would say, "here comes Bubba with them two assholes."
Two Irishmen were wandering down a road when they see a notice tacked on a tree. 'Tree fellers wanted' the sign said. One Irishman says to the other, "Look Paddy, if there had been one more of us we could have got that job!"
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.
“And what do you deduce from that?”
Watson ponders for a minute. “Well,
Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.
But what does it tell you, Holmes?”
Holmes is silent for a moment.
“Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”
What do you call a Russian with three Testicles .
Who did ya nick a bollock off
ONLY IN TEXAS ....
Texas Beer Joint Sues Church in MT.Vernon, Texas . Drummond's Bar began
construction on an expansion of their building to increase
their business.
In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the
bar from expanding with petitions and prayers. Work progressed right up
untli the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the bar
and it burned to the ground!
After the bar burning to the ground by the lightning strike, the
churchfolks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the
power of prayer", until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds
that the church ... "was ultimately responsible for the demise of his
building, either through direct or indirect actions or means."
In its reply to the court, the church vehemently denied all
responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.
The judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the
defendant'sreply, and at the opening hearing he commented, "I don't
know how I'm going to decide this, but it appears from the paperwork
that we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an
entire church congregation that now does not."
True story.
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian
Church . Please use large double door at the side entrance.
THE SLOW GOLFER
A priest,a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning at the third tee (par 3, 185 yards, slight dogleg to the left, water hazzard on the right), while a particularly slow group of golfers were flailing away ahead of them.
ENGINEER: "What's with these guys? We've been waiting for ages!"
DOCTOR: "I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!"
PRIEST: "Hey, here comes the greenkeeper.Let's have a word with him.
"Say George,what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather
slow,aren't they?"
GEORGE: "Oh yes. That's a group of blind firefighters'. They lost their
sight saving our club house last year.So we let them play here
anytime free of charge."
DOCTOR: "Wow!Thank's for the insight, George."
PRIEST: "That's so sad.I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
DOCTOR: "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy
to see if he can do something for them."
ENGINEER: "Why can't these guys' play at night?"
When Matt wakes up with a huge hangover, he sees some paracetamol and a glass of water on the bedside table. After taking the pill he staggers down for breakfast and finds a magnificent spread and a note from his wife. 'I've just gone shopping for something special. Love You.
Matt asks his son "What happened last night?"
His son tells Matt that he had staggered in drunk at 3.00 a.m and broken the door and some furniture.
"Mum dragged you to bed" says Matt's son 'But when she tried to take your trousers off you said "Leave me alone, I'm a married man".
LOST KID IN STORE
Lost Child
A young Muslim kid can't find his mother in the supermarket.
The store attendant says 'What does your mother look like?'
The kid says
“How the hell should I know?”
Two pieces of string walk into a pub.
The first piece of string goes up to the bar and says---
"I'd like a Gin and Tonic please."
The barmen asks----
"Are you a piece of string?"
"Yes," the piece of string replies.
The barmen says, "We don't serve your kind in here, just leave, get out!"
The second piece of string, who is very ragged, twisted and meshed in the middle, walks up to the bar and says,
"A bottle of Bud please."
The barmen says.."Are you a piece of string?"
The piece of string replies,
"No, I'm afraid knot."
LADY DRIVER
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a police officer sees a car puttering along at 22 m.p.h.. He says to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"
So he puts on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices there are five old ladies in the vehicle -- two in the front seat and three in the back -- all but the driver are wide-eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit?", say the surprised driver. "No, sir. I was doing the speed limit exactly -- 22 miles an hour," the old woman says a bit proudly.
The police officer, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that 22 is the highway number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error.
"Before I let you go, Ma'am,", says the officer, "I have to ask: Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a peep this whole time," says the officer.
"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer," replied the driver. "We just got off Highway 189."
A very fishy tail
A man was out fishing in his boat and had no luck all day when all of a sudden he hooks a large Salmon reeling him in and landing him he gets out his club and is about to end the fishes life when low and behold the fish yells stop don’t kill me I have a wife and family.
The fish tells the man his name is Rusty and that if he releases him he will grant him a wish the man releases Rusty back into the water and his wish which shall remain anonymous is granted.
Several years go buy and the man returns to the same fishing spot and Rusty jumps in to the boat to say hi the conversation goes on for a while and the fisherman asks what Rusty has been up to.
Rusty replies well I have gotten a divorce remarried had 3000 children and written a book. Every day I would swim to the bottom of the ocean sit on this old ship wreck and write poems.
What’s the book called asks the fisherman
Rusty replies it’s called Salmon Rusty”s book of Titanic verses.
STORY OF A CONDUCTOR
He was a mediocre conductor of a mediocre orchestra. He was having problems with the basses; they were the least professional of his musicians. It was the last performance of the season, Beethoven's 9th Symphony. This required extra effort from the basses, especially at the end of the piece. Earlier that evening, he found the basses celebrating one of their birthdays by passing a bottle around. As he was about to cue the basses, he knocked over his music stand and the sheet music scattered. As the conductor stood in front of his orchestra, his worst fear was realised......... It was the bottom of the 9th, no score and the basses were loaded!.
TOP 10 Reasons Not To Jog.
1.My grandmother startedwalking five kilometres a day when she was 60.
She's 97 now and we don't know where the heck she is.
2.The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy
breathing again.
3.I joined a health club last year. I spent about 400 bucks and haven't
lost a pound. Apparently, you have to show up.
4.I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm
doing.
5.I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would
have put them further up our body.
6.I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy
me.
7.I have flabby thighs but fortunately, my stomach covers them.
8.The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
9.If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
10.I don't jog. It makes th ice jump right out of my glass.
GOOD EXCUSE.
A guy bought a new car and was out on the motorway for a nice evening drive. The top was down,the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 140kms per hour, he suddenly saw red and blue lights behind him. "There's noway they can catch this car," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 150, 160.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "what in the world am I doing?" he thought, and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his licence without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day,"said the cop,"This is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go." The guy thought for a second and said, "Last week, my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back." "have a nice weekend," said the officer.
A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was so hot. Then he asked for it to be turnes down because he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour. Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient. He walked back and forth, and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest. "Oh, I really don't care or mind," said the waiter with a smile. "WE don't even have an air conditioner."
Sports and Men
When you were a kid you played with beach balls
Then in your teenage years you decided to play rugby
When you turned thirty you took up playing soccer
Then you turned forty and started to play squash
Now in your fifties, sixties and seventies you have decided to take up golf
I can only conclude from this that as you have aged your balls has shrunk but you age has not deterred your likelihood to play around and you have become quite the swinger
The Scottish Engineer
A Scottish engineer died. Arriving at the Pearly gates, he meets St Peter. St Peter said, welcome and asked for his details. The engineer looked around and thought - I like this place. It took some time for his details to be checked, but, he was happy.
Eventually St Peter returned and told him "sorry' you are not on my list the engineer was dumfounded - eventually he found his voice. This cannot be - please check again. St Peter said again, you are not on my list, you must belong 'down below'. The engineer was dumfounded - I have been a good human all my life - looked after my family and all humankind as God has instructed. You belong 'down below'. That is final. St Peter said.
The engineer feeling even more dumfounded found his way 'down there'. It took him some time to adjust to the heat and of course the people. He was a good communicator, so, he made friends easily. After some time, he began to think, I am an engineer I should able to improve our situation down here.
He put his engineering skills to work, drew up a plan. 'Air-conditioning'. Ah! Yes. Now! everyone enjoyed this. Other plans came to mind, a Spa pool, requests started to pour in from his new friends. A hot pool - a cool pool - a cool car to ride around in. Ideas were flowing. He was having the greatest of time. Life was good.
Then one day the engineer received a call from above. St Peter. Look, said St Peter, with apologies. I have found that an error was made in our files with your application. You are on our list, after all. Please return up here now. The engineer said, no, no. I am very happy where I am, thank you. I have a good life, made many wonderful friends, having the time of my life down here. St Peter frowned and said, that is not possible, if you are on my list this where you belong. The engineer smiled, and again, saying no, no. I am very happy down here, thank you. Then St Peter, said, then, this will have to be settled in court.
The engineers smile was even wider now.
Saying - and where are going to get a 'Lawyer?'
Biggs
A man with a winking problem applies for a position as a travelling salesman and goes in for an interview. "Looking at your resume, I can see that you're more than qualified," says the interviewer."unfortunately we can't have our sales reps constantly winking at customers, so we can't hire you." "But wait," says the man. "If I take two aspirin, I stop winking"."Then show me," replies the interwiewer. So the guy reaches into his pants pocket and pulls out a pile of condoms in all different shapes, sizers, colours before finally finding a packet of aspirin. He pops the pills and immediately stops winking. "It's great you stopped winking," says the interviewer, "but we can't have our salesmen womanizing all over the country." "What do you mean?"asks the man. "I'm happily married." "How do you explain all the condoms? asks the interviewer. "Oh, that" sighs the man. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"
A guy calls a law office and says."I want to talk to my lawyer."
The receptionist replies. "I'm sorry, but he died last week."
The next day he phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, he died last week."
The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says, "I keep telling you, your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?"
The guy says, "Because I just love hearing it."
At the end of a job interview, the head of human resources asks the young engineer fresh out of MIT, "What starting salary were you looking for?". The engineer decides to shoot for the moon, "I'm thinking in the range of $125,000 a year or so, depending on the benefits package."
"Hmmm," says the interviewer. "Well, what would you say to five weeks' vacation, 14 paid holidays', full medical and dental, a retirement fund with company matching to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years - say, a Porsche?" The engineer gapes and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" "Yeah," replies the intervieaer, "but you started it."
Everybody on Earth dies and goes to heaven. God greets them and says, "Men, make two lines: one for those who dominated their women and one for those who were whipped. All the women go with Peter."
After about an hour, God returns to find 2.5 billion men standing in the whipped line and only one guy in the dominant line.
"You men should be ashamed of yourselves!" god cries. "I created you in my image, and all of you cower down to women? Can any of you explain this?" No one dares says a word.
God then turns to the man standing alone and says, "Tell me, my son, how did you manage to be the only one on this line?"
"I don't know," the guy replies, shrugging. "My wife told me to stand here."
A scruffy looking man goes into a bar and orders a whiskey. He adds give everyone in the bar a whiskey and have one yourself to the barman. Thanks says the barman and everyone downs their whiskeys. He orders another, one for everyone and have one yourself to the barman. Thanks and cheers and down the hatch. Ah that was great another whiskey, one for everyone and have yourself. Thanks and cheers. The barman is a bit worried and tells the man that's $540. Oh I don't have any money says the man.
The barman leaps over the bar, thumps the man, picks him up by the scruff of his neck and seat of his pants, rushes him outside and throws him into the street.
The man picks himself up, dusts himself down and strolls back into the bar. He looks the barman in the eye and says I'll have a whiskey, one for everyone else but nothing for you. A few whiskeys and you turn nasty!
An Asian gentleman was travelling to New Zealand when he got here he decide to exchange his foreign money for kiwi dollars he handed over his money and recieved $2,000 dollars he enjoyed his stay loved his holiday and vowed to return on his next three trips he handed over his money and recieved his $2,000 as usual. Then the on his fiveth and final trip the New Zealand the dollar soared through the roof . He handed over his money but this time they only gave him $1,000. Pertubed by this he says to the teller where my money all time i come i get $2,000 this time $1,000 which the teller repplies in a slow voice FLUC U ATIONS he yells backs FLUK YOU TO thats not how to talk to your customers.
An Primary school bus driver begins his rounds on monday morning, picking kids up for school. It should be noted, however, that because many primary school children cannot yet read, they need symbols to identify the correct bus to take. This particular driver's bus was adorned with a picture of the Sesame Street characters Bert and Ernie.
At the first stop, the bus driver picks up Patty, a little girl with a bit of a weight problem.
At the second stop, the bus driver picks up another little girl named Patty. She, too, has a weight problem.
At the third stop, the bus driver picks up a Special Ed. student named Ross, who is a bit slow.
At the fourth stop, the bus driver picks up a boy named Lester G. Now, Lester G. is a bit of a gross kid, and as they ride along, Lester decides to remove his socks and shoes and begins to pick at the many bunions on his feet.
Finally, after what seems like an eternity, they reach the primary school, and all the kids get off the bus. At this point, the bus driver calls his wife, who asks him how his morning was. "Just terrible!" He replies, "I had (are you ready for this?) two obese Patties, special Ross, Lester G. pickin' bunions on a Sesame Street bus!"
Paddy was living inDublin and saw an add for a bar manager. he reconded he should know how to do that having spent a lot of time o f a bar
Why do scuba divers' alway's fall backward's off the boat ?.
Because if they fell forward they'd still be on the boat.!
A parrot swallows a viagra tablet so his owner, disgusted, puts the bird in the freezer to cool off. later, when he opens the freezer door he find the parrot sweating. 'why are you sweating?' he asks. The parrot replies, ' have you any idea how darned hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken?'
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar.
When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
"S'cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, "what was that all about?"
"Nothing', said the Irishman, ‘my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"
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