A Round Tuit

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Many centuries ago, I think it was when the time was called “the dark ages” because torches hadn’t been invented, and people used to go around with their eyes shut to block out the sun, as sun glasses also hadn’t been invented. I mean those who couldn’t see what was in front of them. Like the old saying “are your eyes painted on” Well anyway, during that time, probably in ancient Rome, a learned scholar, for the want of a better word, of Roman/Dutch heritage called Claudius Van Dyke, manufactured what was to become the first round tuit. Of course in those times this type of English wasn’t spoken and the item was actually called roundus tuiticas. The tuit of the day didn’t catch on and the original was subsequently misplaced or deliberately lost. Copies of the tuit were hidden away until one day someone decided to cut a hole in the middle and called it a wheel. However as luck would have it, in the twentieth century, a fossicker was fossicking on a beach, as they do, and discovered what appeared to be a large circular object protruding out of the sand. On inspection he, or maybe she, saw an inscription on the rim of the object which read, round tuit, as some of the inscription had worn away over the years, Not knowing exactly what it was, it was sent to a museum in England, where an expert in ancient roman objects and miniature dogs, was able to identify the circular piece as the long lost tuit. This particular tuit can be viewed in the Jonesonian Institute, not quite as famous as the Smithsonian, but just as interesting. Since its discovery, many countries have copied it with the Australians making one of a very small size and calling it a round twit, but then what would you expect when they don’t even know how to spell beer (XXXX) Their version had three holes in it to allow wind to go through and was also extremely thin so that if you wanted to take it to show a friend, you could just roll it up and put it in your pocket. The French made a square one, but cut off the corners to stop people injuring themselves and the Japanese designed one that was made in China, of china. It wasn’t successful, so they renamed it round plate. The Americans designed a thick one and as Americans do, they had to name it after an ex President, so they called it the Abraham Lincoln Circular Professional Tuit. They then decided that the name was too long, so shortened it to Ab Circle Pro and if you placed it on a frame and swivel your hips, you would end up with a great body. Now we get to the good part, even though the story has been good so far. New Zealand, with it’s can do attitude and techniques with number eight wire, decided that the whole thing needed upgrading and so they gathered together scientists, physicians, a couple of cabinet ministers and a trained monkey, and together they reproduced what is now known as “The Round Tuit” It is about twenty centimetres in diameter with a thickness of five millimetres. It comes in a big selection of colours, to match any décor and doesn’t have holes in it. An inscription around the edge says “Made in New Zealand from local and imported materials”. There is no use by date but it does say “don’t allow to get wet” as fur may grow. These NZ made tuits are so popular that they are now advertised as being available by phoning an 0800 number, which will connect you with a call centre in Singapore, and if you buy within the next ten minutes you will only pay $19.95 plus shipping and handling, you will not only receive the product but also a free set of ginsu knives. They have also been known to assist in weight loss and hair regrowth. Why not, everything else does. They can also be used as a standby for holding cakes when unwanted visitors arrive. So when you hear of someone saying they are going to get around to it, then you know they have one of these special items. Finally, if you believe all this claptrap, then you are probably a person that would send money to Australia to buy one of theirs, as the price over there is only $1.99. But then you get what you pay for. Keep laughing; it’s good for your health.

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