Lindsey Dawson - Santa's Big Fat Carbon Footprint Problem

Courtesy of Lindsey Dawson.

Santa had a headache, a mean and nasty one,
for fulfilling all the orders was no longer any fun.
Every year his problems were enough to make him scream
and now the elves were telling him he had to go more green.

They said they couldn’t keep up with the factories of Shanghai.
Their working hours were lousy and they pestered him with why
they had to make these bleeping, flashing, noisy, garish toys at all!
“We’re not here,” they whined, “to fill those shelves up at the mall.”

Out back in the workshop, his helpers had the snitch
because the fur they used for teddy bears was promulgating itch.
They hated all the packaging they had to wrap round toys,
and were sick of whining letters from greedy girls and boys.

“It’s got too much,” the reindeer cried. “The hype’s become unreal.”
So they sat the old guy down and told him, “Santa, here’s the deal.
We’re not freighting presents unless you start recycling,
and a low-emission, hybrid sleigh would be more to our liking.”

“Bah!” yelled Santa, “Don’t you know that all our days are numbered?
Have you seen the costs with which this business has been lumbered?
I need new GPS’s. The sleigh’s become outdated.
The hay you eat now costs so much it’s like it’s silver-plated.

“Your farting is so hearty that the methane fills the skies.
Our carbon footprint’s got so big I can’t believe my eyes.
I’m trying to recycle but you elves waste so much wood
that even firing half of you won’t do us any good.

“And then no doubt you’d drag me to the great Employment Court
and claim unfair dismissal – oh, yes, a sneaky elvish rort!
You’ll be wanting compensation and a lump of next year’s pay.
I’m damned if I’ll put up with that, no matter what you say.”

So there was little for it but for Santa to comply.
His workers got a pay rise big enough to make him cry.
The presents turned all eco, guaranteed organic,
(and kiddies used to plastic were thrown into a panic).

And now when Rudolph leads the team out on their annual trip
The sleigh’s a half-tonne lighter, which makes the flight a snip.
The elves feel really happy ‘cos they’re making Christmas greener
and Santa tries to smile - but his life is feeling leaner.

The trouble is he’s finding that he misses all the glitter,
the bling, the booze, the bad-taste gifts, the eating and the litter.
However, when he’s lauded for the changing of his ways
he’s not averse to preening in the light of so much praise.

But just quietly, if you ask him for some tips on his success,
he’ll tell you he’s still partial to some OTT excess.
“Save the planet? Sure,” he’ll say. “Go for it, my friend.
But loving life is what makes life worth living, in the end.”

Merry Christmas!

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