No Frills

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I became suspicious straight away, when the woman behind the check-in desk at the airport tore a piece of toilet paper off a large roll in front of her and wrote the number 16 on it in black felt, just below a hand-written notice that said: HAVE YOU BEEN?

“Your boarding pass” she said curtly.

“Is that my seat number?” I asked.

“Flight number” she replied “you can sit where you like, they're all cheap seats”.
With her foot she pushed my suitcase off the scales. ”It is load your own”. She sighed.

“Why does this have HAVE YOU BEEN? written on it?” I asked timidly.

This time she smiled.

“There are no toilets on the plane. You'll have to go before you board.”

When I walked away she called after me: ”And don't use your boarding pass when you do!”

I decided to give it a miss and dragged my heavy case out the door. Above one of the ramps leading down to the tarmac a childish hand had written in pencil: TO CHRISTCHURCH.

In the distance I could see my plane. The word AIR was still there, but a giant hand had wiped away the other half of the name and replaced it with the word PLAIN.

“AIR-PLAIN” a business suit behind me said. ”No Frills flying. I wonder what it's like.”

There was no conveyor belt or even a set of steps leading up to the gaping mouth of the luggage hold, just a rickety ladder which barely reached the top.

“Ladies first” winked the suit.

I dragged my case up. The heavy weight made the ladder shake when it bumped against each rung. I almost lost my balance when I gave it a last push into the hold. The ladder wobbled ominously.

”Steady on girl” said Businessman, trying to peer up my skirt.

I stepped back onto the tarmac with shaky legs and walked around the plane.

“Whatever happened to the gangways?”I asked when I saw a second ladder.

“They're all used for the more expensive flights,” said a woman in a size SOS orange shirt. ”The No Frills flights only have the basics. And no food!”

She pointed at a newspaper parcel under her arm. “See? Brought my own!”

She poked a finger into the packet and pulled out a large, steaming chip.

Without my suitcase the second ladder was a piece of cake and with a sigh of relief I stumbled onto the plane. I looked at my sweat-stained boarding pass.

“Sit where you like,” said a skinny girl who did not take her eyes for a second off a Dolly magazine. She blew a huge pink bubble of gum.

I collapsed into the second row. Long benches had replaced the business class seats and through the open toilet door I could see a sign that read: SEAT RESERVED FOR FLIGHT ATTENDANT. At least the lid was down.

We waited. I had managed to untangle the tight knot of ribbons that served as seat belts.

“Is there no Air hostess?” asked an elderly woman from the back. The bubble gum girl yawned loudly and slowly closed Dolly. ”That'll be me I suppose.” She yawned again. The gum was stuck to her back teeth. “Whadyewant?”

“May I have a glass of water please?

“Sorry love, this is a No Frills Flight. We don't do water!”

“I saw on t.v. that we would get a cup with some sugar and milk and that we would be allowed to take it home afterwards!”

“Be my guest,” said the Dolly bird. ”But I only get five bucks an hour so you'll have to serve yourselves.”
She grabbed a large plastic bag full of cups and passed it over her shoulder.

“I did not think it would be this awful,” said the Orange Shirt, blowing on a chip.

“What do you expect?” I said. ”$30, - to Christchurch.”

“Plus tax!” said the suit. ”Plus tax. ”He looked out of the window.

“I bloody well hope that's not our pilot “ he said.

A man in cut-off shorts who wore a rather grubby t-shirt saying AIR-PLAIN and a uniform cap back to front was fast approaching the plane.

He was aboard in a matter of seconds and grinned.

“Hi!” he said. ”This Is Your Captain Speaking. Sorry I'm a bit late folks, but my co-pilot did not turn up for work. Got a nasty cold. One of the windows in the cockpit refuses to close. Anyone here able to give me a hand flying this thing?”

There was no answer.

“Come-on now” he said. There must be someone who knows something about flying”.

“Well, I do fly a lot,” said the business suit. And I have visited the flight deck twice...”

“You'll do” said the captain and winked. He put his arm around the suit's pinstriped shoulders and said: “By the way, we won't worry about a safety drill.”

“Why not?” asked the old lady.

“There are no longer any emergency exits” said the pilot. “They've put extra seats in front of them.”

“But what do we do in the unlikely event of an emergency?” I asked sarcastically.

He laughed. “Pray”, he said and disappeared into the cockpit.

I can only remember one thing about the flight itself: the Orange Shirt breathing heavily into her fish and chips paper because she kept saying she was hyperventilating. The smell was overpowering.

Then I thought of the sleeping pill in the side pocket of my bag. I swallowed it without water.

When I oped my eyes again, cool air came in through the open door: Hallelujah! Christchurch!

I could barely wait until a long plank was lowered into place to help us disembark and slid down as fast as I could. Never mind the splinters in my bum!

In the terminal building a woman came up to me and said:

”Did you enjoy your No Frills Flight?”

I did not answer, but kept walking.

“May we interest you in our new budget venture?” she called after me. ”You have heard of a walking school bus? We are going to trial a walking plane! Only $10,- from Christchurch to Wellington. Plus tax.”

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