I understand how difficult it can be when your partner has lost interest in sex. There may be several reasons for her lack of interest – including health issues, menopause, or something that you are (or are not) doing.
It’s important to ask what’s going on for her, so you can ascertain what the problem is and understand exactly how you can support her. This enables you to both know where you stand, is necessary for releasing built up tension and stress from your relationship and enables you to decide how you want to move forward, to ensure you are able to fulfil yourself as a human being.
I’ve said it before, a man without sex is like a fish without water. This continues to be a fact, regardless of a man’s age. Just because his age increases, doesn’t mean his libido declines – unless he has an unresolved sexual problem such as premature ejaculation or erectile dysfunction which is causing him to avoid being intimate. If his woman has lost interest in sex (and she is no longer a willing sexual partner) he is one very frustrated male!
Whatever the reason for his partner’s lack of interest, the matter needs to be resolved – and the only way this can happen is with a two-way conversation. Although this may seem intimidating from the male perspective it is absolutely necessary. You cannot make a sound decision based on your own assumptions, you need to know what’s true for her. Even though you might not like what she has to say, you will at least have the information required for making choices in moving forward. But as you well know – to be able to gain this truth, you must tread carefully and choose your words wisely!
Remember that the female brain requires DETAILS and she also needs to feel SAFE. She needs to know it’s not just all about you and your needs. Sex isn’t a subject most women enjoy discussing, so you need to approach her mindfully and with a great deal of care. Don’t expect logic, as you’re unlikely to get it. Take your time and don’t interrogate her. Give her time to gather her thoughts – because I can guarantee she hasn’t given this as much thought as you have!
Whereas it’s respectful from the male perspective to use as few words as possible to make a point, from the female perspective – this level of directness frequently comes across as you being blunt, unfeeling and confrontational. So you need to adjust your approach to take into consideration your female’s perspective (and the opposite wiring of her female brain.)
As a man, you’re more inclined to offer a short, logical explanation – which as you know, is never enough from a woman’s perspective. Women need to understand the how, what, why, who, when (and not necessarily in that order.) You need to give her time to digest each question before giving you, her answer.
Be patient with her… you’ve waited a long time for this conversation and you won’t get her complete truth if you rush her now. And if you only gain part of her truth it will cause more tension and you will continue to feel mounting frustration. You want to give her time to feel her way through her confusion as well as her conflicting thoughts.
Below is a list of questions you can ask.
Each time she gives you an answer, make sure you relate back to what she is feeling.
As she gives each answer, pause, then ask her:
- How did you feel about that? (pause, look at her as you breathe slowly and wait for her answer)
- Do you still feel that way? (pause, breathe slowly and wait for her to answer)
- It’s ok for you to feel that way and I’m here for you (pause, hug if appropriate, then ask your next question)
- These are the questions you need to ask:
- I know this might make you feel uncomfortable, but I really need to know:
- How you feel about the subject of us having sex (pause, look at her and focus on breathing SLOWLY)
- Why are you no longer interested in sex?
- What do you want to do about it?
- Is there something I can do to help you regain interest?
- I need to know specifically – what can I do to help?
- How can I make you feel more comfortable/sexy/turned on?
Sex is really important for me, to feel fulfilled as a man. How do you want to move forward from here?
When approached in this way, women are much more amenable to talking about sex. As you focus on breathing slowly while listening to her answers, you will naturally feel more relaxed and in control. This also enables you to be able to respond to her answers, instead of being reactive. If you have any further questions, just ask. Ask her about any problems she has and ask what you can do, to help support her.
By Jacqui Olliver
The Sex Technique Modifier at EndTheProblem.com
- 10 years ago
Thank you for this artical. I found it most helpful.
Pawla