Safer Online Dating - Meeting People

Because Internet dating is initially absent of verbal and nonverbal cues typically used to assess the credibility and trustworthiness of a prospective mate, you may develop an inaccurate perception of your partner. The following safety tips are recommended for your Internet dating safety.

If you're wishing to meet fellow GrownUps, please visit our Personals area.  Tips found on the SODA website here.

Internet dating companies and meeting online

1. Use an online dating company that puts its members’ safety above the privacy of other members.

2. Use an online dating company that conducts criminal background screenings. If your online dating company does not run criminal background screenings on their users, have one done on your own, especially before meeting in person. As a bare minimum ‘google’ your prospective date and research all information that is available (education, alumni, job, white pages, clubs etc)

3. While your online dating company should do whatever it can to enhance member safety and security, your safety and security are your responsibility. You must be careful and think before you act.

4. Set up an email account different from your personal one through a web-based email service such as Yahoo, Google or Hotmail. Use an online name free from any sexual connotation, to avoid giving the impression you are interested in anything other than a meaningful, lasting relationship.

5. Do not advertise any personally identifying information – common blunders are screen names and email addresses that contain enough information to determine your identity. For example, if you like crochet and were born in 1935, try “crochetqueen35”.

6. Be careful what information you give out to reduce the possibility of being targeted by someone who might view you as naïve, wealthy, inexperienced, vulnerable, etc. Never provide any financial information, including your IRD number, bank account or credit card details to anyone you meet online.

7. Do not post pictures of your children or grandchildren.

8. Spend time getting to know someone online before talking on the phone or meeting offline.

9. Report any member safety concerns to your online dating company. Stay away from people who bully you for personal information right away or pressure you to meet instantly.

Meeting the first time

10. Always let friends/family know where you are going on your date, details of who you’re going to meet, and what time you plan to be home. If your date is going well and you want to extend it beyond the time specified, call the person you let know about the date and tell them what time you’ll be home later.

11. Meet in a well lit public place, during daylight hours, with other people around. Try a cafe or restaurant. Bring a friend to protect you in case the date goes badly.

12. Use your own transportation or public transportation.

13. Wear conservative clothing; avoid suggestive language and jokes.

14. Take a cell phone or change for a pay phone so you can communicate with friends/family if necessary.

15. Verify your date’s name and description using their driver’s license.

16. Do not go off alone with your date. Predators are masterful at building trust and confidence quickly and can take their victims by surprise.

17. Trust your instincts. If you feel uncomfortable or insecure, immediately end the date and request someone at the location to escort you to your car or other means of transportation.

Worst Case Scenarios

18. If cyber stalked, block the offender’s email address from your email account and tell your online dating company/ies to remove the offender’s profile from their site. If necessary, change your email address so it’s unsearchable by your stalker.

19. Immediately report any stalking, sexual assault, or Internet dating crime to your local police. Some police departments have sex crimes and cyber crimes units specifically trained to solve crimes related to online dating. Courts can order online dating companies to remove an offending profile from their site. And, depending on the case, police can run a forensic computer analysis on your computer and the offender’s computer. If your offender is unknown, other forensic investigative measures are available to apprehend the offender.

20. If assaulted by someone you met through an online dating service, get help from your local crisis centre right away and notify your online dating company/ies to remove the offender’s profile from their site.

Remember, an open trustworthy person will understand your desire for safety and readily offer whatever information you require to feel safe. They will willingly be accountable for their actions and adhere to whatever boundaries you establish for personal safety. If someone does not respect your boundaries and pushes you to give information you are not comfortable with, ditch the date.

SODA The following is from SODA (Safe Online Dating Alliance); an American organisation which has investigated and regulated online dating protocol much more than New Zealand. Whilst we have fewer guards against online crime, we can still be mindful of their experiences and use the same principles to govern our own internet usage.

“Online dating has had a positive effect on many people’s lives, but the anonymous nature of the process poses unique safety threats and requires extra precaution,” said program director of SODA. “Criminals targeting online daters are tough to stop, but we believe it is possible to reduce crimes through greater safety awareness disclosures and safer online dating practices.”

The need for greater safety protections is undeniable: Millions of singles last year sought romance through the Internet. While many were pleasantly successful, others weren’t so lucky: According to a review of 2006 news reports, financial crimes have increased sharply. Scam artists used online dating sites to perpetrate financial fraud. The most common forms involved developing online relationships of trust, then conning victims out of large sums of money.

For example, a 65-year-old New York man pleaded guilty in May to grand larceny after defrauding an elderly widow out of $100,000. According to reports, after meeting online, Alan Sarner convinced his victim to invest heavily in his fictitious company, which he said was on the verge of announcing a potential cure for leukemia – the same disease that killed the widow’s husband.

But financial scams are not the only tragic stories plaguing the online dating world. Convicted sex offenders and other criminals continue to masquerade as ordinary singles.

For example, a Rhode Island man reportedly travelled to New Hampshire in August to allegedly drug and rape a woman matched to him through an online dating service. Police believe the man may have victimized others he met online.

Further, in November, an online dating service reportedly matched a woman with a registered sex offender. The woman learned of the offender’s criminal status on their fourth date and quickly reported him to her online dating company. The company took no action to remove him from its site until a major news outlet broadcast the woman’s story. The woman was unharmed in this instance, but other online daters’ quests for companionship quickly turned tragic.

A convicted Michigan sexual predator allegedly used online dating sites to target more than 18 female victims in Texas in late 2005 and early 2006.

Even with the rise in tragic stories of online dating, many online dating companies are resistant to online dating safety legislation. Opponents argue that safety protections are up to the consumer and not the online dating company, or cite the importance of member privacy ahead of member safety.

“We have seen several instances where sexual predators’ profiles were left on an online dating company’s website even after the company was informed of their member’s criminal record,” said SODA’s program director. “Online dating companies should put their members’ and the public’s safety first, and not shelter the privacy of a sexual predator.”

There are some bright spots in the Internet safety efforts. In December MySpace, an online social networking site, announced it was undertaking new efforts to block convicted sex offenders from their online community. Additionally, one major online dating service, True.com, obtained an industry-first agreement with a convicted felon from California who violated the company’s membership policy by failing to identify himself as a convicted sexual predator when attempting to sign up for the service. Reportedly, terms of the settlement agreement permanently banned the convicted felon from all online dating sites, required community service, and the felon was required to pay damages. True.com is a member of SODA and is the only major online dating service that conducts criminal and marital background screenings.

If you're wishing to meet fellow GrownUps, please visit our Personals area.

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