Eva-Maria: Way #3 to Kill Conflict - Tone

 Read more from Eva-Maria here.

TONE: watch your tone of voice - it sends 38% of the message you're trying to convey

According to research done in a Psychology paper called “People Like People Like Themselves” by Mehrabian A & Ferris R. in 1967, any message we try to communicate to another person, is influenced by three very simple things:

• The Words we use

• The Tone of voice we project

• The Body Language we make

 
Fundamentally, when you look at all three, they all make sense, right.

In fact, I’ve always been a words person, so at first glance, I’d think: “Well, of course words is the most important aspect – you gotta use big words, and word everything right to make sure you we being clearly understood”.
 
Hold your horses, Eva-Maria!
 
What this research paper came out with, was actually astonishing.

When you’re communicating, each of these three elements plays a part of the effectiveness of the message you’re trying to convey and make people understand.
 
When they came back with the findings, an interesting picture opened up before them:
 
It was Body Language, not words that made up the biggest percentage of the influence over the message being sent, so the model looked like this:
 
Words: 7%
Tone: 38%
Body Language: 55%

How amazing is that!

Now, this in no way means that you can watch your body language, and say anything you like, but it’s a small insight into how clearly you’re communicating what you’re trying to communicate.
 
The reason why I say tone of voice is a way to kill conflict, is because I feel it’s one of the most underestimated aspects of communication.
 
I have come across the situation so many times when I’m talking to a parent, a teen, a business person, and their words are making sense, their body language is nice and open, but their tone of voice sounds as if they’ve had Hulk in the family gene.

I’m sure you could relate.
 
An example I tend to use in my workshops is the huge difference in the message you send when you’re asking your teen to do a simple job.

For example, if you’re standing there with your arms crossed and in an angry tone you say ‘I love you’, even though your intentions might be 500% genuine, they might understand it a completely different way and think you’re being sarcastic, or even trying to intimidate them to start a conflict.

Another great example is think about if a person tells you they love you looking in your eyes, then saying it while looking past you, and then saying it while they’re looking at a completely different person.

Totally different feelings.

So watch the tone – and be brave to remind your teen what message their tone is sending you.

How many times in households, and in movies you hear parents say “don’t use that tone with me” or “I don’t like your tone”. The BIG SECRET is that even though on a subconscious level you’re getting an irritating message from the teen, they have absolutely NO IDEA that their tone of voice is sending a message that’s irritating you so badly. We can all learn from the bad examples, so if you can relate to a teen using bad tone, learn from it, and catch yourself out next time too – is this an appropriate tone to be using in the situation?

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Eva-Maria <3
em@youshutup.co.nz

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Published 7th May 2010

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