Coming to Terms with the Loss of a Partner

The loss of a partner can be one of the hardest things we ever have to face. Whether it is through death, disease, separation or divorce, the loss of a partner, particularly someone you have shared a lifetime with, can be a big blow to your hopes and dreams and the way you expected your life and your future to be.

Not only do you have to come to terms with their physical absence, you also have to manage the impact of their loss on your family, home, financial and social life. Dealing with loss can mean shifting house and even neighbourhoods or cities. If you are a parent, it means learning to manage the family on your own. The reality is that how other people see you changes, and close on those heels, how you see yourself and your future can change dramatically too. 

Adjusting to that loss is not going to happen in a day, a week, a month or quite often a year. Grief is a process. It doesn't look the same at the end as at the beginning, but at the start, it is a day by day affair. 

As much as we sometimes want to ‘Fast Forward' the experience or swallow it like a bitter pill and try to move on, it's not going to happen. 

"The reality is that it is really important to accept that coming to terms with what has happened is going to take time," explains Cary Hayward, Clinical Services Director at Relationships Aotearoa. 

Loss and sorrow have layers and steps to work through and territory to traverse. The best thing you can do for yourself, your children and family is give yourself permission for life not to be ‘normal' for a time, to take the time to grieve over however long it takes. And to be gentle with yourself.

"Having good relationships to turn to during that time is incredibly important and can help you feel supported and that there are still relationships of significance and meaning around you. Ideally you need people close by that you can be vulnerable around, people in whom you can safely confide, people from whom you can receive care and nourishment," says Cary. "It's very difficult if you are sitting at home with no one around." 

At the end of the day, although dealing with loss is easier if you are able to share it, everyone has their own unique way of experiencing and coming to terms with it. It is a journey that fundamentally we all undertake on our own.

"Dealing with loss is a time to focus on looking after yourself, to reflect on your values and what is most important to you and where you want to head to in the future," explains Cary. 

"In the case of separation, it's a time to work out what you have learned from the relationship that you want to take with you into the future. For instance, you may realise that last time you were attracted to someone who was outwardly confident and competent, but fundamentally emotionally unavailable for a relationship. Realising that now, empowers you to make a different choice next time you meet someone special."

It might sound ironic but allowing yourself the time and space to grieve, can in the long term be quite healing. All sorts of primal emotions and patterns can come up in dealing with the loss and the better these are resolved, the stronger you will be in facing the future.

If the grief seems overwhelming and you just don't feel that you are moving through it and able to deal with that loss, get help. See your GP and/or contact Relationships Aotearoa, New Zealand's largest counselling service with 65 offices between Kaitaia and Invercargill.