The digital age has produced a new kind of infidelity. Virtual infidelity is a growing problem for many in that online relationships can become more important than physical ones. 
Obsession with online pornography has become such a problem that there are now support groups for addicts seeking to break free from the addiction. A bit like gambling, it can cost people everything including their marriages. Competing with a fantasy is not easy. In an ever busier world, no matter how much you love someone, maintaining a relationship is difficult if one of you is always glued to a screen.
While technology like mobile phones, email, sex and dating websites makes it easier to cheat, it also makes it so much easier to be discovered. With discovery comes shock, horror, hurt, upheaval and often emotional and financial destruction as families separate in order to rebuild their lives again.
But sometimes that doesn't happen. Sometimes with enough love, commitment, honesty and time, people are able to weather an affair by working on their relationships to cut major issues down to size and strengthen ties.
Relationships Aotearoa is New Zealand's largest counselling service. With 65 offices between Kaitaia to Invercargill, it sees roundabout 30,000 Kiwi's a year.
To survive infidelity, its National Director of Clinical Services, Cary Hayward, says couples usually need to:
1. Know that an affair is survivable.
You can get through the trauma of an affair.
2. Be able to talk honestly about what happened and its impact.
It's important to understand the dynamics and drivers of an affair before trust can be rebuilt. This is where a professional counsellor can really help. Because an affair stirs up so many primal emotions, talking this through constructively with the help of a professional counsellor can help limit the damage and contain the excesses raw emotions can evoke.
The author of 'Becoming Us', Elly Taylor, says it is important to know where 'the line' to infidelity begins. In her view, you cross the line the moment you begin to reveal personal information to a third party and keep this from your partner.
Some literature describes this as having your doors and windows in the right place, explains Cary Hayward.
"Your most trusting and transparent relationship should be with your partner. Holding secrets and closing doors in order to hide parts of your life from them is a major warning sign."
3. Know that rebuilding trust is a process, not a single conversation or event
"Infidelity causes an injury to the relationship. The first thing that has to happen is for that contact with the third party to end," says Cary Hayward.
"It is a good time to get some professional support. A therapist will help the injured partner to articulate the impact of the affair on them. They will also help the person who had the affair to hear and understand the significance of the injury to their partner, to acknowledge their part in the injury, and to express empathy, regret and remorse. In this way recovery from the injury can begin, and the couple can develop new ways or relating to one another involving positive cycles of bonding and affection.
"The person who has been betrayed is usually going to feel less emotionally secure and less trust and will need reassurances over time. A plan should be put in place so that both partners know what to do if one of them is feeling unsure or insecure".
4. Introduce positive changes to the way they communicate and enjoy spending time together
"It's absolutely vital to foster the positive connection with each other after an affair. This means having enough time together. One of the most significant predictors of relationship failure is emotional withdrawal, that is, couples finding they are living parallel lives under the same roof. Couples need uninterrupted time together to share and be able to be intimate, close and vulnerable," explains Cary.
5. Know that it can take time and patience for things to heal…
..and many couples do this successfully.
Click here to find out more about Relationships Aotearoa or read Elly Taylor's perspective.
new dawn - 6 years ago
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