Is honesty better than avoidance?

By Denise Corlett.
Find more articles by Denise here.

Just met someone – Is honesty better than avoidance?

Women and men do like clear communication and honesty – but sometimes we avoid it in the dating process.

Why?  Often the reasons are because we’re not sure how we really feel about the other person or we’re checking out other dates at the same time, or we don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings or we’re not confident that they’re really interested in us.

So my recommendations are based on what feedback clients do give me in terms of their preferences, be that men or women.  Let me take a few scenarios to demonstrate my points. 

You’re not sure how you really feel about the other person yet

So you might have met someone face to face or virtually (phone, online etc) and perhaps you’ve only spoken to them or met them briefly once or talked over the phone, or just viewed their profile.  If you’re not sure, you need to get surer, either way.  It’s a matter of making a decision either way.  That might mean meeting up with them to sway your opinion.  It might mean really evaluating who you are and what you need/want and whether they meet your criteria or not.  You have to make a decision and then communicate it as clearly as possible to the other party. If eventually you decide they probably aren’t right for you, let them know as soon as possible.  Then you can both get on with potentially meeting others.

Checking out other dates at the same time

Let’s say you are dating and have just happened to meet/be approached by more than one person at the same time.  If this is your scenario, and you are somewhat interested in the new party (parties), then you’re going to have to make a decision that can work in your favour.  Make a decision on who you are going to continue with for now.  Then you can very kindly say to the other person that you have met someone and to be fair to everyone you would like to see how that progresses.  You can always say that should things not eventuate, would it be okay to contact them again and providing they are available then and still interested that you could then chat or meet up.

I know many people who have taken this approach and many who have received this message.  In both cases, both parties feel that they have been respected and have valued the honesty and clarity.  In fact often the receiver (of the message) likes the person even more because of their clarity, loyalty and honesty.  It makes them much more endearing if several weeks later they are contacted with a message like “Look, it didn’t pan out, and I realise you may no longer be interested or have moved on, but in the off chance that you’ve not, would you like to meet up with me?”

Not wanting to hurt someone’s feelings

In order not to hurt someone’s feelings we often avoid the situation altogether.  It’s a default that many of us do.  However, long-term it tends to hurt the other party even more.  Take courage and get in contact with the other person and honestly tell them from your perspective you don’t see a future.  Again, this must be in your words ensuring that you are kind and respectful.  You don’t have to give reasons just that from your perspective, it’s just not for you.   

Lack of confidence that they’re interested in you

Often if you’re not sure and not confident that the other party is interested you can default to doing nothing.

This is often in the hope that the other party will take the action first and indicate their interest.  I’m going to veer into gender roles here.  I believe it’s up to the guy to take action and show interest (research and lots of feedback from men and women seem to back this up).  Guys if you don’t know if they are interested, you have to take action to find out either way.  Yes you may be rejected, you may be disappointed, but at least you will know and you will be able to get on with your next move.  Women, you need to do two things.

If you’re interested, don’t complicate things and ensure you respond clearly.  If you’re showing ambivalence or confusion, then he is likely to imitate that or decide you’re not interested.  Secondly, you do need to take a man’s action at face value.  If he is not initiating action and showing interest, then he probably isn’t interested enough to follow through (unless you are sending mixed messages yourself).  Don’t waste time wondering, get on with your life.

So get clear, honest and communicate, ensuring that your actions speak louder.