I have had to put my wife into a secure rest home as the hospital can no longer keep her due to the demand in beds. My question to you all is how much time do you think I should spend with her during the day. The Doctors say that she may not improve and that it is possible that she will remain in care. What do you think?

Is she able to communicate Opo ?
It's a sad day isn't it to see a loved one in this state.
How much time did you spend with her in the hospital?
It is such an individual thing I think and it also depends on how long it takes to travel to the rest home. If it was just a short walk, maybe more than one visit a day but for briefer periods. . This may not be practical of course, but I was thinking of her and the long day being broken up a bit for her sake.

Being a caregiver can cause various emotions according to the relationship of the one needing care.
I cared for my wife for 2 years, at home, and on occasions sitting with her in hospital. After those 2 years she was placed under Hospice care, at home, and needed 24 hour care. This I carried out with advice and help from the wonderful Hospice nursing staff for another 6 months.
Perhaps the most difficult part of this caregiving was not the physical actions needed, but the emotional feelings. To see your loved one in pain and gradually becoming weaker and not being able to stop this progression. My wife passed away 3 months ago, and although I cannot forget the experience of the caregiving, the realization of the immense priviledge of caring for her, and being with her in her time of desperate need will remain ever in my lasting memory of our life together.
By John3010

Having worked in the rest home industry for 10 years both in secure unit and normal resthome, we used to suggest to the families of our clients to come in maybe over a meal time and have a meal with them, in some cases if the client needed help with their meal this was a great time for the families to help, most would usually end up by staying a couple of hours which for some clients and families was ample. Or another suggestion was to join in with the facilities activities with the client.

Post deleted at 20 Nov 2010 6:04am by bronju

So nice that we can share here from all view points.
I was a care giver (still am but a different role as an activities person).
I work with extreme dementia, terrible that any of us can be affected by this, be it ourselves or those that love.
It's a whole different world for all of us. Families distressed by being unable to cope anymore but also relief because it's so stressful in every way to not only deal with the anxiety of whats going on at home but the physical challanges.
For those of you that have to put a love into care, it's alright.
Well it's alright where i work, we are so committed to our residents, they behave terribly sometimes and then cause such sweetness it fills hearts, fuels sheer laughter simply because we love them, our residents are our extended family, we work with them all day, dream about them at night; worry about those that fill our lives.
Share their every moment and have the deep pleasure of their families who we get to know as friends.
Dementia is a huge growth industry unfortunately, I can see myself in that situation easily. Therefore we in the industry of Care-giving make sure that we teach our new employees well because no matter who comes into our secure ward they are absolutely all important.
I'm sure I could have said this better but there you go.

Post deleted at 20 Nov 2010 6:04am by bronju

Hi folks,
This is a subject that I can totally relate to. When I was 30yrs I moved in with my partner and his mother (he was 47yrs and she was 76yrs) we had all decided to sell our own separate homes and move in to look after his mum for the years she had left. Her health was not the best at the time and I thought tha maybe it was a 5-7yr plan.
Sher was a wonderful lady and being in a family situation again bought her back to a healthy loving mum and grandma to my young daughter. We took family holidays and we got used to each other in the kitchen, that went on for about 10yrs, then she got a cat scratch that she hid from us because it got infected an she was scared of doctors so tried to heal it herself and got into quite a serious situation before we were able to find it (we couldn't figure out what the strange smell was and then we saw her leg and nearly fainted). We got her to a dr and she steadly went downhill. She ended up with an ulcer the size of a shark bite. Because of a shortage of distrct nurses and my capabilites I was the one that had to dress this ulcer everyday over the next 7yrs things started to go wrong one after the other (physically not mentally). I was looking after the house, the cooking, housework, being a wife and mother and at the same time I was looking after an elderly person that was actually quite sneaky and becoming quite demanding. She became very unsteady on her feet and toilet incontinent so had to be assisted with ehr toileting I came to hate the sound of the bell she had that got my attention. I t was very hard to do and her and my partner insisted that she was not going to go into a Home, she didn't want to and he promised that he would look after her (he meant me) my health suffered and I was diagnosed with diabetes during this time and I had to go on antidepressants to be able to cope. I am not a mean person but the 5-7yr plan was lasting 17yrs at this stage and I was very tired. I can honestly say that I did this, in the end, for the love of my partner. We struggled thru this until 3 weeks before she past away, there were uncountable numbers of visits to hospital with major diaorrhea problems for the last year of her life. In her last visit to hospital she was told that she was not allowed to go home again by the drs and that she was going to have to go to a nursing home to heal, she just gave up, she wouldn't eat and after 13days in hospital she passed on.
The most surprising things was the releif for her that I felt. I loved this lady very much but I just couldn't cry for the loss of her. I felt so guilty and all I could do was make absolutely sure that her funeral was some thing she would have loved and I immersed myself in that. That sense of releif is something so normal because after caring for someone for so long and it suddenly stops your own body and mind take over to look after you, so if you find yourself feeling this guilt it is a natural process. It cost me a lot of money for therapy to find this out. So I hope my long story helps other to realise that if they have a lack of sorrow at the lose of someone they have looked after for a long time that they should not feel guilty because there own body is looking after them for a change.

Hi there to all of you. I have just registered. I caregive (live-in) for a friend whom is elderly. It is now full time and I had to give up my full time job. I never realised how isolated I could feel. My elderly friend told a very tall tall about me and had a social service involved. They gave him a lot of support but when he admitted the story was not ture I was left with the mess and no support. I have a family member in our city but they have a family of there own and what friends I have left tell my to put him in a rest home. I made a promise to keep him in his own home. I get an hour a day for four days a week to help with showering and I actually look forward to seeing the home help. I was so pleased to find this group as people do not understand how you feel when you make the choice to do caregiving.

You are all heroes to me!

I quit my job when my mother had a fall and broke both her arms and shoulders. With both arms out of service she was unable to look after dad, who was terminally ill.

It was a case of they either both went into a home for the duration or a family member would have to move in and care for them.

My dad was so distraught when mum had her accident and when the hospital doctor said that mum would be in hospital for a couple of weeks dad's reaction was "but we haven't spent a night apart since we were married." (God bless him!)

At that instant I decided to quit my job and move in and care for dad (then mum and dad when mum came home from the hospital).

I'll admit I was astonished (and inwardly annoyed) to learn that the rest of the family just `expected' me or my sister to do this despite how it would affect our lives. Over the next few months my family never lifted a finger and none visited, opting to send a `get well card' in the first fortnight...then nothing.

My career and social life didn't matter one little bit to me. At that moment in time all I saw was two wonderful parents (who had done so much for me) now needing my love and attention for a change.

I phoned my boss from the hospital and I left without giving notice. My sister was left to look after the house we shared while the hospital put the wheels in motion for WINZ to pay me a care-givers benefit.

Now, having a friend who is a solo mum (and at the time was on over $500 a week) I thought that I would get a normal `wage' for caring for two parents. I wasn't expecting the wage I was earning from working in the city, but I thought I'd get something that would at least match Barbara's benefit.

Wrong! They paid me $191 and wouldn't even allow me the $65 extra bit (accomodation ?) because they said I owned a house and it was my choice to live-in. No matter who interceded on my behalf WINZ was determined not to pay me a cent over the original benefit offered.

I simply handed my $191 over to my sister each week and she topped it up to cover our mortgage. If it hadn't have been for her being able to pay my share we'd have lost our house and WINZ couldn't have cared less.

Because my sister's money was now very limited and covering my share of everything to do with the house, my sister couldn't afford food. If it wasn't for a good friend of hers who stepped up and made her a packed lunch every day and had her around for dinner every night for the next six months I don't know what we'd have done. You certainly know who your friends are when the preverbial hits the fan.

Anyway, like you have all said before me, it was a hard lesson to learn that I couldn't just go out whenever I wanted. I couldn't go to the movies, nip into town for some retail therapy, call around to mates for lunch or simply just go for a walk.

It was 24/7 stay-at-home care for dad, plus having to commute from the Hibiscus Coast to Middlemore Hospital every day to see mum (for both mum and dad's mental state). When mum came home it was double the work. (And my sister was the only other person who came around to see them or to help). God bless her!

I cared for both my parents for six months, in which time my father passed away. A couple of months later mum felt she could cope on her own and I went home.

Hard work, but I wouldn't have had it any other way. You think you know someone but it's not until you do something like this that you `really' get to know them. It was a wonderful experience.

I never went back to work in the city for a long time. Instead I got a job in a private geriatric hospital close to home. Patients (stroke / dimentia / altzheimer) would be admitted and often devoted spouses would, over a cup of tea, admit to feeling guilty because within weeks of their partner being in the hospital they found they were going out, going shopping, joining clubs and doing all sorts of social things.

They admitted they were enjoying the freedom of not having to look after their partners anymore and many would break down in tears saying that I must think they are terrible for feeling this way. I didn't of course because I knew just what restrictive dedication they had shown to that person right up to making the very hard decision of placing their loved one into permanent care.

A few years later I made the decision to care for mum again. When we moved up north she said she didn't want to live alone anymore. With mum, being a fit, strong and socially active person it wasn't a hard decision to make.

Unfortunately a couple of years later mum was diagnosed with cancer and a short time after being diagnosed she needed full time care again. But, once more, caring for mum (but this time with a sister sharing the load) was worth every minute.

Mum's been gone 2 years today. God bless her.

I am in the process of becoming a caregiver for twin 7 year old grand-daughters. I don't have my own home, have flatted with a friend for years, so am now going to need to establish a suitable home for my grandies. I would like to find someone in a similar situation so that we can pool resources and support each other. Or maybe a solo parent who needs a loving nana to help with meals & housecleaning. Of course my ideal would be someone who has a large home so that we could each have our own space when needed.

I am nearly 60 and seriously very fit & active. I am a chef, an ex-professional sailor and have many managerial & computer skills that add to my assets as a great cook & tidy house keeper. My twin grand-daughters are being rescued BEFORE irreversible abuse eventuates so are beautiful, loving children with no behavioural problems.

I would also love to hear from any other grandparents who are raising their grand children.

I would also love to hear from any solo parents, especially dads, who are missing the services that a loving nana can provide. I have loads to give without being intrusive.

ICYP, have you considered putting a `classified ad' up on GUPs?

You will find directions on the left hand side of the screen (just above the weather forecast).

Good luck! Anyone who takes you into their home will be very fortunate.